be a sight, the Armada heading up the Tyne.
I was down the quayside, completely mortal, and these Spanish gadgies came right up to the bridge in a boot, like, and I swear they were lush. I come home with a bra full of doubloons .
Rob stood up. ‘That’s that done.’ Tom saw his eyes immediately seek out Kath. ‘All right there?’ he called to her and she raised the tongs as if to say, ‘Don’t fuss’. She stood up,probably to underline that point, and started moving the sausages around on the barbecue.
‘Can Auntie Kath climb up?’ Hattie asked and Rob’s ‘No’ was too abrupt, which he must have realised the minute it left his mouth. He put his hand on Hattie’s shoulder. ‘Sorry, love,’ he said. ‘It’ll take a lot of weight, but not that much.’
There was a ‘charming’ from Kath, but Tom knew she wouldn’t have been fooled by his brother’s attempt to hide behind humour.
He wandered over to her.
‘Good day?’ she asked him.
‘Had better, but the main thing is it’s over. You OK?’
‘What, apart from feeling like a bit of china?’ She glanced towards Rob. ‘Start our classes at the hospital tomorrow. He’s a bit nervous.’
‘You want me to try and talk him down? From, you know … Not the tree, obviously.’ He took the tongs from her and pushed a couple of sausages to the edge of the barbecue and moved the burgers to the middle.
‘No. Think he’s got to work through this himself. And why do men always do that?’ She was looking at the tongs. ‘They have to take over the barbecue. Is it a phallic thing? You know, the sausages? Here,’ she took the tongs from him, ‘you’ll get fat on your suit.’
‘Phallic thing? Sometimes you make less sense than mymother. Hang on …’ He looked towards the house. ‘Where is she?’
When Kath looked evasive, he pulled her chair nearer to the barbecue. ‘Plonk yourself there. I’ll be back.’
One quick scan of the kitchen and the sitting room confirmed his suspicions and when he got upstairs, he tracked his mother down to the bathroom. She was bent over, cleaning the bath.
‘Step away from the cleaning products, lady,’ he said and regretted it as he saw her shoot up straight.
‘Oh, bugger me,’ she blurted and then rounded on him, ‘Tom, don’t do that. My heart’s come out of my mouth.’
‘That’s going to make a mess on that newly cleaned bath.’
‘What?’
‘You said … Oh, never mind.’ He put his hand on her arm. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. But it’s the only way to catch you at it.’
She was looking as if she’d been discovered rooting through his wallet. ‘I just saw the cloth,’ she said. ‘Thought I’d give it a bit of a … freshen-up.’
‘And what about downstairs? The hoover just happened to leap into your hands?’
She moved to the sink and started wiping around the taps. ‘New teaching assistant at school. Looks about twelve. Can’t be, I suppose.’
‘No, Hattie says she’s twenty-five, and she’s only covering for Mrs … Wait a minute … you’ve changed the subject. God, you’re good.’ He took the cloth from her. ‘Don’t expect you to do this, Mum. Picking up Hattie twice a week is enough.’
‘You’re working all day.’
‘You’ve worked all your life.’
‘Aw, get away with it.’ She tried to get the cloth back, but he wasn’t letting go. She gave it up and started dabbing her hands on the towel. He half expected her to pick it up and smell it. Perhaps she already had.
‘While I think on,’ she said, ‘I put Hattie’s karate kit and her school dress in to wash.’
‘Mum …’
‘Oh now, it’s nothing.’ She straightened up the towel to her satisfaction and as they went downstairs said, ‘I don’t mean anything by having a quick tidy-up.’ She put her hand on his shoulder. ‘You keep it lovely. For a man.’
Pointless explaining to his mother how sexist that was – she’d only just got used to that nice Clare Balding
I was down the quayside, completely mortal, and these Spanish gadgies came right up to the bridge in a boot, like, and I swear they were lush. I come home with a bra full of doubloons .
Rob stood up. ‘That’s that done.’ Tom saw his eyes immediately seek out Kath. ‘All right there?’ he called to her and she raised the tongs as if to say, ‘Don’t fuss’. She stood up,probably to underline that point, and started moving the sausages around on the barbecue.
‘Can Auntie Kath climb up?’ Hattie asked and Rob’s ‘No’ was too abrupt, which he must have realised the minute it left his mouth. He put his hand on Hattie’s shoulder. ‘Sorry, love,’ he said. ‘It’ll take a lot of weight, but not that much.’
There was a ‘charming’ from Kath, but Tom knew she wouldn’t have been fooled by his brother’s attempt to hide behind humour.
He wandered over to her.
‘Good day?’ she asked him.
‘Had better, but the main thing is it’s over. You OK?’
‘What, apart from feeling like a bit of china?’ She glanced towards Rob. ‘Start our classes at the hospital tomorrow. He’s a bit nervous.’
‘You want me to try and talk him down? From, you know … Not the tree, obviously.’ He took the tongs from her and pushed a couple of sausages to the edge of the barbecue and moved the burgers to the middle.
‘No. Think he’s got to work through this himself. And why do men always do that?’ She was looking at the tongs. ‘They have to take over the barbecue. Is it a phallic thing? You know, the sausages? Here,’ she took the tongs from him, ‘you’ll get fat on your suit.’
‘Phallic thing? Sometimes you make less sense than mymother. Hang on …’ He looked towards the house. ‘Where is she?’
When Kath looked evasive, he pulled her chair nearer to the barbecue. ‘Plonk yourself there. I’ll be back.’
One quick scan of the kitchen and the sitting room confirmed his suspicions and when he got upstairs, he tracked his mother down to the bathroom. She was bent over, cleaning the bath.
‘Step away from the cleaning products, lady,’ he said and regretted it as he saw her shoot up straight.
‘Oh, bugger me,’ she blurted and then rounded on him, ‘Tom, don’t do that. My heart’s come out of my mouth.’
‘That’s going to make a mess on that newly cleaned bath.’
‘What?’
‘You said … Oh, never mind.’ He put his hand on her arm. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. But it’s the only way to catch you at it.’
She was looking as if she’d been discovered rooting through his wallet. ‘I just saw the cloth,’ she said. ‘Thought I’d give it a bit of a … freshen-up.’
‘And what about downstairs? The hoover just happened to leap into your hands?’
She moved to the sink and started wiping around the taps. ‘New teaching assistant at school. Looks about twelve. Can’t be, I suppose.’
‘No, Hattie says she’s twenty-five, and she’s only covering for Mrs … Wait a minute … you’ve changed the subject. God, you’re good.’ He took the cloth from her. ‘Don’t expect you to do this, Mum. Picking up Hattie twice a week is enough.’
‘You’re working all day.’
‘You’ve worked all your life.’
‘Aw, get away with it.’ She tried to get the cloth back, but he wasn’t letting go. She gave it up and started dabbing her hands on the towel. He half expected her to pick it up and smell it. Perhaps she already had.
‘While I think on,’ she said, ‘I put Hattie’s karate kit and her school dress in to wash.’
‘Mum …’
‘Oh now, it’s nothing.’ She straightened up the towel to her satisfaction and as they went downstairs said, ‘I don’t mean anything by having a quick tidy-up.’ She put her hand on his shoulder. ‘You keep it lovely. For a man.’
Pointless explaining to his mother how sexist that was – she’d only just got used to that nice Clare Balding
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