exactly why she disturbed me, “Stop. We can’t
ask her to put herself in danger.”
I think that, as
he looked at her, he knew it too. I could see his face fall. He sat for a
while, his head shaking ever so slightly. In the distance, the men had gone
quiet, finally seeing that talking about American Idol was just as
pivotal as debating the outcome of a fight between Santa Claus and a tribe of
Leprechauns.
“Soon,” Jinx
rasped, swiping a hand across his distraught face, “the world will be a very
different place. I promise you that.”
But Petula was
already smiling in polite disagreement. “Your generation is always saying such
things. But there isn’t enough time. There never was. Your revolution was a
failure almost three centuries ago. The world never changes.”
Something in
her words seemed so forlorn, so utterly hopeless, that I couldn’t help but
think of Karl’s wide and aching eyes as he realized the depth of Arthur’s betrayal.
It had all been for their own good, but to learn that they were incapable of
purging their own flaws, that anguish was their only salvation, was probably
the worst reckoning I could imagine for a group so proud of their own
achievements. Humans could not imagine what could be, and the Sangha could
never find it. One was blind, the other, crippled.
I left the
doorway and walked to her side. I pretended not to see her withdraw from me and
grasped her hands. With all the strength I could muster, I tried to tell her
with my eyes how painfully wrong she was.
“Just because
the world doesn’t change,” I murmured, “doesn’t mean it can’t be
changed. If there is a chance we could succeed, don’t you want to be a part of
it?” I squeezed her hands. “I know this girl is important, that I’m supposed to
help her. Help me piece this together.”
My hands
warmed hers as I massaged the palms with my thumbs. I watched the slow erosion
of her carefully forged defenses. She had been without the contact of another
human for a long while. I’d heard things about people who underwent sensory
deprivation, that, over time, their minds began to deteriorate. If the Sangha
were vulnerable to other kinds of mental illnesses, then surely they could
suffer from loneliness, too.
As I held her
fast and smiled at her, she leaned toward me like a flower toward the light,
carelessly shedding the dingy petals of her blanket. Her stare was unsettling,
too empty, but I held it, urging her on without saying a word.
“She…,” Petula
swallowed, “she is an abomination.”
“An abomination?”
In the back of my mind I wondered if she would be more specific.
“Though not
half as bad as her maker. He is a vile creature, but there is nothing to be
done about him. He has been here for centuries, and he will be here when all
else is gone.”
“Who is he?”
She let out a
chuckle that sounded on the verge of madness. It ended in something like a sob.
“No one knows. It is something even I cannot know. I cannot see him.”
I glanced at
Jinx; he was as stunned as I. As far as I knew, Arthur, Ananda, and I were the
only three people to have endured Parinirvana, unless Karl had managed it, too.
To find that there was yet another walking dead man and that he was an enemy of
the dharma made me feel as if the wind had been knocked from me. It was
impossible.
Just to be
sure, I phrased my next question very carefully. “Do you mean that he’s the
same as me? Does it look the same?”
She had begun
to follow every movement I made, as if she found me mesmerizing; her mouth
relaxed into a slack smile. “No,” she breathed, “not like you. I cannot see you
at all. He is just dark, dark and filled with hatred and bitterness. I can’t
stand it when they ask me to look for him.”
“Why?”
“There is
nothing there, no soul, no purpose, no goal, just darkness and malice.”
“No soul?” But
I detected her twitch, the tic at the right side of her mouth, and did not
pursue the issue.
ask her to put herself in danger.”
I think that, as
he looked at her, he knew it too. I could see his face fall. He sat for a
while, his head shaking ever so slightly. In the distance, the men had gone
quiet, finally seeing that talking about American Idol was just as
pivotal as debating the outcome of a fight between Santa Claus and a tribe of
Leprechauns.
“Soon,” Jinx
rasped, swiping a hand across his distraught face, “the world will be a very
different place. I promise you that.”
But Petula was
already smiling in polite disagreement. “Your generation is always saying such
things. But there isn’t enough time. There never was. Your revolution was a
failure almost three centuries ago. The world never changes.”
Something in
her words seemed so forlorn, so utterly hopeless, that I couldn’t help but
think of Karl’s wide and aching eyes as he realized the depth of Arthur’s betrayal.
It had all been for their own good, but to learn that they were incapable of
purging their own flaws, that anguish was their only salvation, was probably
the worst reckoning I could imagine for a group so proud of their own
achievements. Humans could not imagine what could be, and the Sangha could
never find it. One was blind, the other, crippled.
I left the
doorway and walked to her side. I pretended not to see her withdraw from me and
grasped her hands. With all the strength I could muster, I tried to tell her
with my eyes how painfully wrong she was.
“Just because
the world doesn’t change,” I murmured, “doesn’t mean it can’t be
changed. If there is a chance we could succeed, don’t you want to be a part of
it?” I squeezed her hands. “I know this girl is important, that I’m supposed to
help her. Help me piece this together.”
My hands
warmed hers as I massaged the palms with my thumbs. I watched the slow erosion
of her carefully forged defenses. She had been without the contact of another
human for a long while. I’d heard things about people who underwent sensory
deprivation, that, over time, their minds began to deteriorate. If the Sangha
were vulnerable to other kinds of mental illnesses, then surely they could
suffer from loneliness, too.
As I held her
fast and smiled at her, she leaned toward me like a flower toward the light,
carelessly shedding the dingy petals of her blanket. Her stare was unsettling,
too empty, but I held it, urging her on without saying a word.
“She…,” Petula
swallowed, “she is an abomination.”
“An abomination?”
In the back of my mind I wondered if she would be more specific.
“Though not
half as bad as her maker. He is a vile creature, but there is nothing to be
done about him. He has been here for centuries, and he will be here when all
else is gone.”
“Who is he?”
She let out a
chuckle that sounded on the verge of madness. It ended in something like a sob.
“No one knows. It is something even I cannot know. I cannot see him.”
I glanced at
Jinx; he was as stunned as I. As far as I knew, Arthur, Ananda, and I were the
only three people to have endured Parinirvana, unless Karl had managed it, too.
To find that there was yet another walking dead man and that he was an enemy of
the dharma made me feel as if the wind had been knocked from me. It was
impossible.
Just to be
sure, I phrased my next question very carefully. “Do you mean that he’s the
same as me? Does it look the same?”
She had begun
to follow every movement I made, as if she found me mesmerizing; her mouth
relaxed into a slack smile. “No,” she breathed, “not like you. I cannot see you
at all. He is just dark, dark and filled with hatred and bitterness. I can’t
stand it when they ask me to look for him.”
“Why?”
“There is
nothing there, no soul, no purpose, no goal, just darkness and malice.”
“No soul?” But
I detected her twitch, the tic at the right side of her mouth, and did not
pursue the issue.
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