The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children by Annie Smith Page B

as school, he’s got to wear the same color shoes.
    It’s a good idea to remind your brood every now and then that their pair of brown shoes is for school, their black pair is for church.
    â€¢ When the kids get home from class, teach them to take off their shoes as soon as they hit the front porch.
    Grade-schoolers under age twenty should always go barefoot when playing after school, up until the time they start coming inside with frostbite on their toes.
    Going shoeless in winter and summer makes your kids grow up healthy and hardy, saves shoe leather, and keeps them from tracking dog poop into the house.
    Redneck kids can’t smell. If a boy’s got his shoes on and steps in a pile of hound droppings, he won’t even notice it. He’ll come squishing right through your front door leaving stinky tracks all over the floor.
    And sooner or later, some visitor to your house will notice the tracks.
    â€¢ To save money, pack your kids’ school lunches. Don’t get fancy—just give each one a can of Vienna sausage, potted meat, or sardines. Throw in a few packs of crackers, which you can pick up free at restaurant buffet bars.
    The Birds, the Bees, and the Backseat
    School-age redneck boys are naturally interested in girls. It’s in their jeans.
    And redneck girls are just as curious about boys, although they try harder not to show it.
    But it’s up to you parents to teach your boys and girls about the ways of romance, how to behave on dates, and (when they’re older) safe sex.
    We realize you don’t want to even think about sex and your kids. But it’s something you’ll have to face sooner or later. None of us got on this earth because our parents just kissed and held hands on the front porch swing.
    Problems can crop up with teenagers no matter where they go on a date—to the drive-in show, the Saturday night rodeo, a tractor pull, wrestling at the town auditorium, or parking out by the lake.
    When a boy takes a girl to the drive-in and he’s got a cold, nothing’s more embarrassing than having a runny nose all night. Snot also makes popcorn taste terrible, and trying to pass it off as “buttered” popcorn won’t work with a lot of girls.
    So tell your boys that in an emergency, their truck’s gas cap rag can be used as a snot rag.
    Some parents buy books advising them how to tell their kids about sex. But the easiest way to teach young’uns is to take them to a farm where they can watch the cows, pigs, and other creatures in action.
    Chances are that once your daughter see what a cow has to go through while giving birth to a calf, she’ll never let a boy touch her indecently!
    Sex, Lies, and Duck Tape
    We used to have a little town tramp named Lisa who spent more time in the backseat than that little dog with the bobbin’ head in the rear window.
    If your daughters turn out like Lisa, we pity you—because she was a laughingstock from one end of Chicken Neck to the other. All the boys called her Moaner Lisa.
    She was a preacher’s daughter, but she sure didn’t act it. Lisa guzzled beer like a man dying of thirst, swore like a sailor, and lied more than all the town’s lawyers put together.
    Even worse, as she got older she got into something called “bondage.” Lisa would get a boyfriend to tie her up with duck tape before she’d agree to do it with him. She got some kind of thrill out of that.
    Next thing we knew, Lisa had left Chicken Neck and was working at the Chicken Ranch out in Las Vegas. On the side she became the spokeswoman for Tru-Tite duck tape.
    That ain’t no fitting end for any girl. Tell your daughters the sad story of Moaner Lisa and maybe they’ll keep their clothes on, at least more often.

Twins: Should You Keep Just One?
    The problem with having twins is that they’re twice as costly to raise. And if you’ve seen one twin, you’ve seen the other—so why keep