The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children by Annie Smith

his daddy might not sue you—but he sure might shoot you. So the safer the game, the better.
    And if the cans get lost or stolen, you’re only losing about two cents’ worth of recyclable aluminum. Most redneck families find more than that throwed in their front yard every morning.
    Sixteen Uses for an Old Commode
    When your commode gets cracked and starts leaking, don’t sell it to your neighbor. Your kids can still get lots of enjoyment out of a toilet even after it’s useless for the purpose that God intended.

    Redneck go-cart
    Here are sixteen ways to turn your toilet into a “toy-let”:
    1. Patch up the crack and fill the commode with fresh spring water. Buy some tropical fish and you’ve got a home aquarium for your youngsters.
    An aquarium is educational and lots of fun. The children will spend endless hours watching the cute little fish darting hither and yon, playing with each other, and nibbling cracker crumbs sprinkled on the surface.
    And when the kids get tired of watching, give each one a little fishing pole—and let them catch and filet the little suckers to their heart’s content!
    2. Attach a two-foot-square mirror to the back of the tank and let your little girl use the commode as a vanity. She can straddle the lid and use the tank top as a shelf for her makeup and brushes.
    3. Bolt the commode to old rocking chair rockers and let your young’uns use it as a hobbyhorse.
    4. Don’t have enough chairs in front of the TV? Put a cushion on top of the commode lid and a kid can sit there!
    And if you’ve got a young’un who slouches, the toilet’s hard back will straighten him right up.
    5. If the commode is blue or gold, put a matching fringe around the lid so it hangs down over the bowl. Sew a blue velvet lining around the tank. This creates a little royal “throne.”
    Your young’uns can use the throne to play King and Queen until they hate each other and have to get a separation.
    6. Screw four old lawn mower wheels onto a two-foot-square wooden board and bolt the commode down onto the board. Your kids will have the only “commode-mobile” in the neighborhood, and they’ll be the envy of all their friends.
    7. Take the lid out in the backyard and show your boys how to fling it like a discus. Encourage them to compete against other boys.
    Next thing you know, your sons will be high school track stars, or else go to juvenile court for breaking neighbors’ windows.
    8. Place the commode in your daughter’s bedroom and let her store her dolls inside the bowl and tank.
    9. Every redneck has to learn how to jiggle the commode handle. Let your kids practice on your discarded toilet. That way they won’t damage your new one.
    10–16. Round up seven old white commode tops and get your kids to paint watercolor Christmas scenes on them. (The white ceramic will look like snow.) Proudly display these works of art in your front windows every Christmas season.
    A Boy’s First Truck
    A pickup truck is the ultimate redneck toy. And when your son gets old enough to get a driver’s license, he’s going to start begging you for a truck.
    Long before that day, warn him he’s got to pay for the vehicle himself. So he’d better get a job by the time he’s nine, either running a paper route or mowing yards, and save every penny for that truck.
    When he’s got about four hundred dollars piled up, take him to look for the truck of his dreams. Don’t go to any car lot that features loud, obnoxious salesmen in its TV ads. You know, the ads that blare:
    â€œCOME ON DOWN to Al’s Used Cars and Trucks! We’ve got the best deals in town—and we’re in business strictly to HELP YOU, not to make money!
    â€œBad credit? No credit? Runnin’ from the law? NO PROBLEM! We can put you in a car faster than they can read you your rights!
    â€œOur prices are cut so low, half our salesmen are on