The Redneck Guide to Raisin' Children by Annie Smith Page A

WELFARE! And the little bit o’ profit we do make, we send to Mother Teresa!
    â€œ(Salestaxandtagnotincluded. Offervoidinallforty-eightstates. PlaythisadbackwardandyoucanhearSatan.)”
    The best way to buy a used truck is to drive along roads looking for trucks with For Sale signs on them. Especially be on the lookout for a sign that says Husband in Jail—Tow Off His Truck and It’s Yours.
    Remember, the only things that matter are the engine—which has to be an eight-cylinder—and a straight-drive transmission.
    If the engine and transmission are in good shape, you don’t care whether the fenders are battered or the upholstery is ripped. Your kid’s gonna bang up the fenders anyway, and he can tuck an old blanket over the torn seats.
    Once your boy has bought a truck, show him how to pick out the best bald tires for it.
    All rednecks—even the womenfolk—know how to fix flats. They don’t just run out and buy new tires when the tread gets a little worn down. And they almost never pay more than twenty dollars for a set of tires, including balancing and a spare.
    These days whitewalls are nearly as cheap as black walls, so your son can spiff up his truck with fancy-lettered tires for just a few pennies more.
    Usually the first things to quit on an old truck are the windshield wipers. Show your boy how to tie two long pieces of twine to the wiper on the driver’s side and run one string in each window. Then tie them together inside the cab.
    By pulling the twine back and forth, he can work the wiper good enough to get home on a rainy night.
    A redneck’s truck ain’t complete without mud flaps. The most prized ones have a drawing of Yosemite Sam with a big pistol in each hand and snarling, “Back off!”
    Your boy can make his own set of mud flaps by cutting squares out of a neighbor’s porch carpet while they’re away bowling or vacationing at the junkyard.
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    Rednecks’ Five Favorite Pickup Lines
    1. “I can carry forty bales o’ hay in this baby.”
    2. “What’s yore sign? Mine says, ‘0 to 60 in 20 minutes.’”
    3. “Look, honey, the new Bondo matches yore dress!”
    4. “Sure, she’s slow, but the radio works real good.”
    5. “You can keep the kids, but I get the damn truck!”
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    A Boy’s First DUI
    Call AAA to pick up the truck. Call AA to pick up your boy. Sell the damn truck.

School Days, Rule Days
    Like it or not, kids have to go to school. Most students think the purpose of school is to educate them. But the real secret purpose is to give their parents a badly needed break from child rearin’ a few hours a day.
    Check your American history books and you’ll discover this whole school system scheme was cooked up by politicians who were parents. Coincidence? You be the judge.

    Typical redneck sixth-grade class
    Here are the rules you need when your young’uns get into school:
    â€¢ Never send your son to his fourth-grade class without a good clean shave. Or your daughter either, for that matter.
    Nothing looks worse on a grade school young’un than a five o’clock shadow—it kinda resembles a hog that’s been slaughtered and shaved but still has short bristles sticking out of its hide.
    And if you let your boy go to school without shaving, the teachers will poke fun at him—especially if they’re one of those fuzzy-faced, four-eyed Yankee teachers who’ve sashayed down to the South on a “mission” to educate our kids. Next thing you know, your kid will beat up the teacher and wind up in a heap of trouble.
    â€¢ Before your kids take off for school in the morning, always check their shoes.
    If they’re still half asleep, you can almost bet they’ll put on a black shoe and a brown one. That would be fine if the young’un was just going down to the store. But he’s got to learn that for formal occasions, such