didnât like asking for help. But the schoolâs administrator called her back the same day to say that Iâd not only been awarded a full scholarship, but that it came with some amazing âextras.â The scholarship, funded by the Atlantic Richfield Company, was given to just one student each year, and in addition to SABâs tuition it also covered tuition for my academic studies at the Professional Childrenâs School, a private school for working child actors, dancers and singers, as well as free lunches in the school cafeteria, $300 per month for living expenses, and two round-trip tickets home during the year.
Even though Iâd been on my own in New York for the past two summers, this was different, and I knew it. While Dave was livingwith us, all I dreamed of was getting out of the house, but now that he was gone I wasnât sure thatâs what I really wanted. I even caught myself secretly hoping that something would happen to keep me from going. But nothing did, and I never mentioned my trepidations to my mom. I think she understood that I was having mixed feelings, but, to her credit, she never pressured me either to go or to stay. As it turned out, Deidre, a friend from the summer program who lived in Florida, had also been invited to become a full-time student, so at least Iâd have one friend.
Â
When the time finally arrived, saying goodbye to my family was even harder than I had imagined it would be. My dad cried as we took our final run on the beach together at the end of our annual summer camping trip. The only other time Iâd seen him shed a tear was when his father died. On that last morning, he told me he was crying because heâd never gotten to spend as much time with me as he would have wanted, and now I was leaving.
Romy, with whom Iâd become so close, felt totally abandoned and wouldnât even speak to me at times. Even though she was happy for me, the only way she could express her emotions was by shutting me out.
And then there was Gent, who had been not only my best friend but my responsibility. Even though I knew I couldnât pass up the opportunity Iâd been given, I felt terribly guilty about leaving him.
Strangely, however, saying goodbye to Dave was the saddest of all. He still came around from time to time to finish up someyard work heâd never completed, and one afternoon, when my mother and I got home from a shopping expedition to buy me a winter coat, he was out there. As Mom went inside, he called me over and handed me a package containing a big, coffee-table-type book. I donât remember the title, but I do still remember the inscription. It read, âGuys like me only dream of doing in life what youâre doing. Iâm so proud of you. Love, Dave.â
As it turned out, that was the last time I ever saw him. He died of cancer a few years later, and even though heâd caused me so much pain, it saddened me to think of him dying so young, troubled and alone.
TEN
On the plane, I sat in a window seat staring out at the clouds. For the first time in weeks, I had a chance to really reflect on how my life was going to change, and what that would mean. I couldnât help thinking of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music , my favorite movie when I was a little girl. I remembered the scene in which Maria is sent out of the convent to start a new life she knows nothing about. To keep up her courage, she sings âI have confidence in me.â As the plane approached New York, I sang the line to myself. I felt corny even then, but, like Maria, I, too, was embarking on a new life, and beneath the brave face I was showing the world, I was also terrified. Things had turned out pretty well for Maria in the movie, and I was hoping they would for me, too.
I soon discovered that there was little about SABâs summer program to prepare me for this new experience. In the summer, groups of little girls with flowers in
Even though Iâd been on my own in New York for the past two summers, this was different, and I knew it. While Dave was livingwith us, all I dreamed of was getting out of the house, but now that he was gone I wasnât sure thatâs what I really wanted. I even caught myself secretly hoping that something would happen to keep me from going. But nothing did, and I never mentioned my trepidations to my mom. I think she understood that I was having mixed feelings, but, to her credit, she never pressured me either to go or to stay. As it turned out, Deidre, a friend from the summer program who lived in Florida, had also been invited to become a full-time student, so at least Iâd have one friend.
Â
When the time finally arrived, saying goodbye to my family was even harder than I had imagined it would be. My dad cried as we took our final run on the beach together at the end of our annual summer camping trip. The only other time Iâd seen him shed a tear was when his father died. On that last morning, he told me he was crying because heâd never gotten to spend as much time with me as he would have wanted, and now I was leaving.
Romy, with whom Iâd become so close, felt totally abandoned and wouldnât even speak to me at times. Even though she was happy for me, the only way she could express her emotions was by shutting me out.
And then there was Gent, who had been not only my best friend but my responsibility. Even though I knew I couldnât pass up the opportunity Iâd been given, I felt terribly guilty about leaving him.
Strangely, however, saying goodbye to Dave was the saddest of all. He still came around from time to time to finish up someyard work heâd never completed, and one afternoon, when my mother and I got home from a shopping expedition to buy me a winter coat, he was out there. As Mom went inside, he called me over and handed me a package containing a big, coffee-table-type book. I donât remember the title, but I do still remember the inscription. It read, âGuys like me only dream of doing in life what youâre doing. Iâm so proud of you. Love, Dave.â
As it turned out, that was the last time I ever saw him. He died of cancer a few years later, and even though heâd caused me so much pain, it saddened me to think of him dying so young, troubled and alone.
TEN
On the plane, I sat in a window seat staring out at the clouds. For the first time in weeks, I had a chance to really reflect on how my life was going to change, and what that would mean. I couldnât help thinking of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music , my favorite movie when I was a little girl. I remembered the scene in which Maria is sent out of the convent to start a new life she knows nothing about. To keep up her courage, she sings âI have confidence in me.â As the plane approached New York, I sang the line to myself. I felt corny even then, but, like Maria, I, too, was embarking on a new life, and beneath the brave face I was showing the world, I was also terrified. Things had turned out pretty well for Maria in the movie, and I was hoping they would for me, too.
I soon discovered that there was little about SABâs summer program to prepare me for this new experience. In the summer, groups of little girls with flowers in
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