The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur Page A

interrupting my thoughts midsentence
    and at this point i’m about to get up
    and walk right out the door
    except i paid far too much money for this hour
    so instead i take a piercing look at her
    the way you look at someone
    when you’re about to hand it to them
    lips pursed tightly preparing to launch into conversation
    eyes digging deeply into theirs
    searching for all the weak spots
    they have hidden somewhere
    hair being tucked behind the ears
    as if you have to physically prepare for a conversation
    on the philosophies or rather disappointments
    of what love looks like
    well i tell her
    i don’t think love is him anymore
    if love was him
    he would be here wouldn’t he
    if he was the one for me
    wouldn’t he be the one sitting across from me
    if love was him it would have been simple
    i don’t think love is him anymore i repeat
    i think love never was
    i think i just wanted something
    was ready to give myself to something
    i believed was bigger than myself
    and when i saw someone
who could probably fit the part
    i made it very much my intention
    to make him my counterpart
    and i lost myself to him
    he took and he took
    wrapped me in the word special
    until i was so convinced he had eyes only to see me
    hands only to feel me
    a body only to be with me
    oh how he emptied me
    how does that make you feel
    interrupts the therapist
    well i said
    it kind of makes me feel like shit
    maybe we’re all looking at it wrong
    we think it’s something to search for out there
    something meant to crash into us
    on our way out of an elevator
    or slip into our chair at a cafe somewhere
    appear at the end of an aisle at the bookstore
    looking the right amount of sexy and intellectual
    but i think love starts here
    everything else is just desire and projection
    of all our wants needs and fantasies
    but those externalities could never work out
    if we didn’t turn inward and learn
    how to love ourselves in order to love other people
    love does not look like a person
    love is our actions
    love is giving all we can
    even if it’s just the bigger slice of cake
    love is understanding
    we have the power to hurt one another
    but we are going to do everything in our power
    to make sure we don’t
    love is figuring out all the kind sweetness we deserve
    and when someone shows up
    saying they will provide it as you do
    but their actions seem to break you
rather than build you
    love is knowing whom to choose
    you cannot
    walk in and out of me
    like a revolving door
    i have too many miracles
    happening inside me
    to be your convenient option
    - not your hobby
    you took the sun with you
    when you left

    i remained committed
    long after you were gone
    i could not lift my eyes
    to meet eyes with someone else
    looking felt like betrayal
    what excuse would i have
    when you came back
    and asked where my hands had been
    - loyal
    when you plunged the knife into me
    you also began bleeding
    my wound became your wound
    didn’t you know
    love is a double-edged knife
    you will suffer the way you make me suffer

    i think my body knew you would not stay

    i long
    for you
    but you long
    for someone else
    i deny the one
    who wants me
    cause i want someone else
    - the human condition

    i wonder if i am
    beautiful enough for you
    or if i am beautiful at all
    i change what i am wearing
    five times before i see you
    wondering which pair of jeans will make
    my body more tempting to undress
    tell me
    is there anything i can do
    to make you think
    her
    she is so striking
    she makes my body forget it has knees
    write it in a letter and address it
    to all the insecure parts of me
    your voice alone drives me to tears
    yours telling me i am beautiful
    yours telling me i am enough
    you’re everywhere
    except right here
    and it hurts

    show me a picture
    i want to see the face of the woman
    who made you forget the one you had at home
    what day was it and
    what excuse did you feed me
i used to thank the universe
    for bringing you to