The Theory of Everything by Kari Luna

again. I didn’t have much on my side, but I did have a little something I’d created last time I went to a principal’s office: my list.

SEVEN

    How to Survive a Visit to the Principal’s Office
by Sophie Sophia
Compliment her on her hair.
Use innocence to your advantage and act like you’ve never been in trouble before.
Leave the snarkiness at home. (Or at least in your locker.)
Nod a lot and respond emotionally. Adults love to feel like they’re “reaching” us.
If you have to, lie for the greater good and let karma sort it out.
    â€œMay I help you?”
    I plopped down in a drab olive-green chair outside the principal’s office. It was the international color of high school, which seemed weird. Weren’t most of us depressed enough already?
    â€œI’m Sophie Sophia, here to see Principal Pattison.”
    â€œYou’re her!” the secretary said, scooting her chair back. She was wearing enough colors for both of us, with her rainbow earrings and scarf. It was tie-dyed like the bag on the floor next to her. “Do you need some water or something?”
    â€œI’m good,” I said, feeling the small spatula in my pocket. I wondered if I had time to hide my souvenir before anyone saw it and accused me of stealing, too.
    She leaned toward the phone and pressed a button. “Principal Pattison, I have Sophie Sophia for you.”
    â€œWho?” a loud voice blasted through the intercom.
    She looked at me, leaned in and whispered like she was talking about a terminal illness.
    â€œIt’s that girl,” she said, “from the cafeteria.”
    â€œThen speak up!” the voice boomed. “And send her in.”
    The door opened and Literary Loner stepped out of the office as I walked toward it. We were so close I could smell his hair as he passed. It smelled like oranges.
    â€œHi,” I managed to croak.
    â€œHi,” he said, giving me the same smile as before. This now qualified as the best day ever, even if I got suspended.
    The secretary pushed him toward the exit. “That’s enough out of you, Romeo,” she said as she pushed me toward the door. “Go on in, Juliet.”
    |||||||||||
    â€œWell, if it isn’t our very own Greg Louganis,” Principal Pattison said, peering at me from behind a massive walnut desk. I sat down across from her and in front of a small brass monkey who was perched on the corner, laughing.
    â€œWho’s Greg Louganis?” I said.
    â€œA famous diver,” she said, opening my file. “Just like you are, I hear.”
    â€œThat was an accident,” I said.
    â€œLet’s start from the beginning.” She cleared her throat and sat up taller, even though she was probably a foot taller than me already. “Your scholastic history is impressive, but your behavioral record leaves much to be desired.”
    She had no idea.
    â€œFor now, let’s leave the past in the past and focus on the present. The why behind the what.”
    â€œThe what?” I said.
    â€œWe know the what,” she said. “I’m interested in the why.”
    And I wished I knew what the heck she was talking about.
    â€œSophie, why did you dive into a table?”
    When she said it like that, it
did
sound like I had a death wish.
    â€œIt wasn’t premeditated, if that’s what you’re thinking,” I said. “I didn’t know what I was doing.”
    â€œReally,” she said, smiling. Her mouth kept moving, but I was distracted by the painting hanging behind her. It was a portrait of a horse with huge teeth, kind of like hers. I couldn’t stop staring. I knew people’s art said a lot about them, but I had no idea what this said about Principal Pattison.
    â€œSophie?” She snapped her fingers. “Are you with me?”
    â€œI like your hair,” I blurted.
    â€œThank you,” she said, fluffing her short puffy bob. “I was trying