do you keep Jade happy?”
“Well, at the moment she is panicking about being pregnant ……” SHIT!!!!!
Harry double-takes. “Is Jade pregnant?” He never gets to see Jake, so he wouldn’t know.
“No, not yet, but she is terrified in case she does. She thinks that she is far too young to have kids and, you know, anything can happen.”
Harry is looking spooked. There are nightmares there somewhere. “Yeah, I know. We thought Cathy was pregnant a fortnight ago. It’s probably why she was so hyper over in the Lake District. If she has a kid and I can’t or won’t marry her, she is truly in the shit, and I can tell you, I have just about had enough. I’d rather live with you.”
I think of Jade’s reaction to that and shudder. “Steady on there, Harry. You’ve got a job to do, to keep Cathy riotously happy and off our backs. Don’t forget the agreement.”
“I don’t remember that one.”
“It’s the one you had to sign when you decided to shack up with my wife.”
“I’m sorry to tell you, Jake, I’m thinking of handing her back to you as not fit for the purpose. You sold me some shoddy goods.”
Cheeky sod. It’s time for some threats. “If you walk out on Cathy, I’m not going to forgive you. I’ll write the best song I have ever written slagging you off to the whole world. They’ll be chanting it at Hull City and Hull FC, it’ll be a chart-topper, you’ll have nowhere to turn. As far as you are concerned, Cathy is until death do you part.”
“I can’t believe this. And to think that I once felt guilty about what I was doing to you.”
“And if you walk out on Cathy, I am going to make you feel guilty all over again, I promise you.”
Even I believe what I am saying.
* * *
Harry wanted to bring the kids round for Saturday evening too, but Jade and I were going out to a party at one of Jade’s friend’s houses. Harry asked if he could come which was awkward because I knew that Jade wouldn’t want Harry anywhere near her.
“He can come if he wants,” she said me to my surprise. “I don’t have to go anywhere near him. Invite Cathy too, then we can have the whole family.”
I didn’t think so, but I passed the invitation on anyway.
Cathy came. She had parked the children with Beth and Simon and she was all togged up as if she was ten years younger. I got the fright of my life when she turned up at the door.
“Hello, Cathy,” Jade greeted her. “Glad you could come.” I was amazed how unfazed Jade was, then I thought about how Jade was quite obviously pregnant in her tight dress. I couldn’t tell if Cathy had noticed or not yet but nothing much passes her by.
We got a taxi because the party was in Anlaby. I sat in the front seat with the driver while the other three crunched into the back. I also got the privilege of paying. “I’ll get it on the way home,” Harry offered, slapping me on the back. I don’t like being slapped on the back. I don’t much like being touched by men at all.
The party was dark and heavily populated, a bit like wandering into no man’s land. Bodies were everywhere, some lolling all over each other. The electro-funk music was blaring out. Not my sort of music. I stuck with Jade most of the evening which was lame of me but I have forgotten how to chat up eighteen year olds other than Jade. You laugh a lot and squeal occasionally, at least you do if you are a girl. I never saw Harry again. He disappeared somewhere and never came back. About midnight I noticed Cathy sitting by herself apparently mesmerised by the dancing but actually bored out of her skull. Jade had gone off to the toilet somewhere for about the fourteenth time.
I sat down next to Cathy.
“I’m feeling old,” I admitted.
She smiled. “Me too. Do you remember we used to do this once?”
“We are doing it now.”
“Yeah, but we really used to do it in those days. It’s frightening how kids change you. You have to be so responsible. You’re
“Well, at the moment she is panicking about being pregnant ……” SHIT!!!!!
Harry double-takes. “Is Jade pregnant?” He never gets to see Jake, so he wouldn’t know.
“No, not yet, but she is terrified in case she does. She thinks that she is far too young to have kids and, you know, anything can happen.”
Harry is looking spooked. There are nightmares there somewhere. “Yeah, I know. We thought Cathy was pregnant a fortnight ago. It’s probably why she was so hyper over in the Lake District. If she has a kid and I can’t or won’t marry her, she is truly in the shit, and I can tell you, I have just about had enough. I’d rather live with you.”
I think of Jade’s reaction to that and shudder. “Steady on there, Harry. You’ve got a job to do, to keep Cathy riotously happy and off our backs. Don’t forget the agreement.”
“I don’t remember that one.”
“It’s the one you had to sign when you decided to shack up with my wife.”
“I’m sorry to tell you, Jake, I’m thinking of handing her back to you as not fit for the purpose. You sold me some shoddy goods.”
Cheeky sod. It’s time for some threats. “If you walk out on Cathy, I’m not going to forgive you. I’ll write the best song I have ever written slagging you off to the whole world. They’ll be chanting it at Hull City and Hull FC, it’ll be a chart-topper, you’ll have nowhere to turn. As far as you are concerned, Cathy is until death do you part.”
“I can’t believe this. And to think that I once felt guilty about what I was doing to you.”
“And if you walk out on Cathy, I am going to make you feel guilty all over again, I promise you.”
Even I believe what I am saying.
* * *
Harry wanted to bring the kids round for Saturday evening too, but Jade and I were going out to a party at one of Jade’s friend’s houses. Harry asked if he could come which was awkward because I knew that Jade wouldn’t want Harry anywhere near her.
“He can come if he wants,” she said me to my surprise. “I don’t have to go anywhere near him. Invite Cathy too, then we can have the whole family.”
I didn’t think so, but I passed the invitation on anyway.
Cathy came. She had parked the children with Beth and Simon and she was all togged up as if she was ten years younger. I got the fright of my life when she turned up at the door.
“Hello, Cathy,” Jade greeted her. “Glad you could come.” I was amazed how unfazed Jade was, then I thought about how Jade was quite obviously pregnant in her tight dress. I couldn’t tell if Cathy had noticed or not yet but nothing much passes her by.
We got a taxi because the party was in Anlaby. I sat in the front seat with the driver while the other three crunched into the back. I also got the privilege of paying. “I’ll get it on the way home,” Harry offered, slapping me on the back. I don’t like being slapped on the back. I don’t much like being touched by men at all.
The party was dark and heavily populated, a bit like wandering into no man’s land. Bodies were everywhere, some lolling all over each other. The electro-funk music was blaring out. Not my sort of music. I stuck with Jade most of the evening which was lame of me but I have forgotten how to chat up eighteen year olds other than Jade. You laugh a lot and squeal occasionally, at least you do if you are a girl. I never saw Harry again. He disappeared somewhere and never came back. About midnight I noticed Cathy sitting by herself apparently mesmerised by the dancing but actually bored out of her skull. Jade had gone off to the toilet somewhere for about the fourteenth time.
I sat down next to Cathy.
“I’m feeling old,” I admitted.
She smiled. “Me too. Do you remember we used to do this once?”
“We are doing it now.”
“Yeah, but we really used to do it in those days. It’s frightening how kids change you. You have to be so responsible. You’re
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