o’clock in the morning. Second, we both know Miles is already gone and picking up donuts for you.”
“Fine, but you know I get very crabby if I don’t have my sugary treat after a good fuckfest.”
“I need your help today.”
“I told you not to experiment with live animals up your ass. But you are my best friend, and if I have to go reach in there to grab the poor gerbil out, I will.”
I rolled my eyes. Moxie was feisty, and that was putting it mildly. Her husband, Miles, called her a firecracker. Partly because of her beautiful red hair and partly because whenever she was in the area, everyone knew it. The woman had no volume control.
“I want to go shopping for the baby’s room.” Several beats went by. “Moxie?” I looked at my phone to see if the call had dropped. “Moxie, are you still there?”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice cracking.
“Are you crying?”
“No.” She sniffled.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because you want me to go shopping with you. Me. The girl you used to say looked like she shopped at the reject section at Wal-Mart.”
“That was like fifteen years ago. And you were actively trying to get laid by your now husband. Thank God he liked hobo chic.” I snickered.
“Listen, colon cleanser, my husband has no complaints about my clothes because he prefers me in the buff or in latex with a hole cut out for the—”
“Okay, that is an image I never want imprinted on my brain, thank you.”
“So where are we going and when? Do I get to see Blubber?”
Blubber was Moxie’s nickname for Ethan since he’d been a cute, chunky baby. It stuck, as did the name Moo Moo for Moxie because Ethan had a hard time pronouncing her name.
“Yeah, Brandon’s working, so you get both of us.”
“Great, I’ll bring Jaxson and Sophie, and they can watch over Ethan while we sneak sips out of the flask from behind the breast pumps.”
“As much as I love my godson and goddaughter, I don’t know if leaving eight-year-old twins in charge of a four-year-old is a wise decision”
“Please, they are basically driving and filing their own taxes. We’re good.”
“Okay, I’ll see you at the IKEA in two hours?”
“Make it three. I might have donut sex by attempting to put Miles’s penis through the donut—”
“Good-bye, Moxie!”
I hung up the phone and went to get Ethan ready. I needed to spend some time with my best friend and get her feedback on my disappearing husband and the blond shark circling my marriage, waiting for the kill.
M oxie was waiting inside the entrance of the store on her phone when Ethan and I made our way over to her.
“Moo Moo!” Ethan broke my hold on his hand and ran up to climb into Moxie’s arms.
“Blubber, you know you can say Moxie now.”
“I like Moo Moo.” He giggled that devilish Ethan laugh. Moxie looked at me, and I shrugged and lifted my hands in resignation.
“I have no control over him. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just a matter of time until it’s Lord of the Flies in our house and he starts to cannibalize Brandon and me. Where are Sophie and Jaxson?”
“In the play area.” Moxie pointed to the play area that IKEA offered to customers who didn’t want to tote their young kids through the monstrosity of the store.
“How did you get them in there? They are older than the maximum age.”
“I said if they took the kids, I would slip them a twenty and buy them a twenty count of cinnamon buns at the end.”
“You bribed the IKEA workers?”
“Have you seen the waif working in the playzone? She could use a few dozen of those IKEA cinnamon buns and all their gooey goodness. Then she’ll use the twenty I gave her to buy laxatives to crap it all out.” She looked over at the worker with contempt.
“You’re demented,” I said, shaking my head.
We walked over there together, checked Ethan in, and found Jax and Sophie to help watch over him. We found the escalator to take us up to the first level of the
“Fine, but you know I get very crabby if I don’t have my sugary treat after a good fuckfest.”
“I need your help today.”
“I told you not to experiment with live animals up your ass. But you are my best friend, and if I have to go reach in there to grab the poor gerbil out, I will.”
I rolled my eyes. Moxie was feisty, and that was putting it mildly. Her husband, Miles, called her a firecracker. Partly because of her beautiful red hair and partly because whenever she was in the area, everyone knew it. The woman had no volume control.
“I want to go shopping for the baby’s room.” Several beats went by. “Moxie?” I looked at my phone to see if the call had dropped. “Moxie, are you still there?”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice cracking.
“Are you crying?”
“No.” She sniffled.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because you want me to go shopping with you. Me. The girl you used to say looked like she shopped at the reject section at Wal-Mart.”
“That was like fifteen years ago. And you were actively trying to get laid by your now husband. Thank God he liked hobo chic.” I snickered.
“Listen, colon cleanser, my husband has no complaints about my clothes because he prefers me in the buff or in latex with a hole cut out for the—”
“Okay, that is an image I never want imprinted on my brain, thank you.”
“So where are we going and when? Do I get to see Blubber?”
Blubber was Moxie’s nickname for Ethan since he’d been a cute, chunky baby. It stuck, as did the name Moo Moo for Moxie because Ethan had a hard time pronouncing her name.
“Yeah, Brandon’s working, so you get both of us.”
“Great, I’ll bring Jaxson and Sophie, and they can watch over Ethan while we sneak sips out of the flask from behind the breast pumps.”
“As much as I love my godson and goddaughter, I don’t know if leaving eight-year-old twins in charge of a four-year-old is a wise decision”
“Please, they are basically driving and filing their own taxes. We’re good.”
“Okay, I’ll see you at the IKEA in two hours?”
“Make it three. I might have donut sex by attempting to put Miles’s penis through the donut—”
“Good-bye, Moxie!”
I hung up the phone and went to get Ethan ready. I needed to spend some time with my best friend and get her feedback on my disappearing husband and the blond shark circling my marriage, waiting for the kill.
M oxie was waiting inside the entrance of the store on her phone when Ethan and I made our way over to her.
“Moo Moo!” Ethan broke my hold on his hand and ran up to climb into Moxie’s arms.
“Blubber, you know you can say Moxie now.”
“I like Moo Moo.” He giggled that devilish Ethan laugh. Moxie looked at me, and I shrugged and lifted my hands in resignation.
“I have no control over him. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just a matter of time until it’s Lord of the Flies in our house and he starts to cannibalize Brandon and me. Where are Sophie and Jaxson?”
“In the play area.” Moxie pointed to the play area that IKEA offered to customers who didn’t want to tote their young kids through the monstrosity of the store.
“How did you get them in there? They are older than the maximum age.”
“I said if they took the kids, I would slip them a twenty and buy them a twenty count of cinnamon buns at the end.”
“You bribed the IKEA workers?”
“Have you seen the waif working in the playzone? She could use a few dozen of those IKEA cinnamon buns and all their gooey goodness. Then she’ll use the twenty I gave her to buy laxatives to crap it all out.” She looked over at the worker with contempt.
“You’re demented,” I said, shaking my head.
We walked over there together, checked Ethan in, and found Jax and Sophie to help watch over him. We found the escalator to take us up to the first level of the
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