monstrous store.
I liked to label the different types of people who came to IKEA. First you had the newly college graduated roommates, who wanted to upgrade their apartment from crates to Euro chic. Then there was the disinterested husband, who sat on the display couches while his overzealous wife spent his cash. And then there were people, like my best friend, who would kick someone’s nut up inside his body if he dared try to take the last serving of meatballs.
“We are going to get some balls.” Moxie pulled my arm toward the cafeteria. IKEA also sold food.
“Moxie, we don’t have time to get Swedish meatballs.”
She stopped dead in her tracks. “Ryan, no one—and I mean no one—gets in the way of me and my balls.”
“And we all know you like them big.” I stuck out my tongue at her.
We stood in line to get Moxie’s food, and I grabbed a bottle of water since I’d eaten lunch with Ethan earlier. We found a place to sit by the window, and Moxie inhaled her food as if she hadn’t pigged out on donuts all morning.
“So… spill,” she said, taking her utensils to cut into her food.
“What am I spilling?”
She paused before taking a mouthful of food. “Ryan Keller, in all the years I’ve known you, you have never asked me to go shopping with you. Are you dying? You have anal caner, don’t you?”
“What? I’ve asked you to go shopping with me. Is anal cancer even a real thing?
“I have no fucking clue and no, you’ve never asked. Trust me, I would have marked it down on my calendar and sent you an anniversary card to celebrate the moment.” She moaned, savoring her food.
“How are your balls?”
“Heaven. I wish Miles’s balls tasted this good. Do Brandon’s balls taste good?”
“Lately, I wouldn’t know.”
She wiped her mouth with her napkin and narrowed her eyes at me. “What did you do?”
“Why do you automatically think it’s something I did?” My voice got a little too loud for intimate conversation. A few heads turned to look at me, and I waved my hand. “It’s all good here; my friend just really loves her balls.”
Moxie kicked my leg under the table. “Shut it, douche canoe. Tell me what happened.”
“I don’t think it’s just one thing. He’s been spending a lot of time at the hospital. He comes home late, he’s really irritable, and when I try for sex, he says he’s tired or makes some other excuse. Then there is a guy at the hospital…”
“You think he’s cheating?”
“No… Maybe. I don’t know. I know his job is stressful, but it’s really starting to take a toll. He almost missed the ultrasound because he was flirting with this nurse up in Labor and Delivery.”
“Are you sure it was flirting? Brandon is a nice guy and chats it up with a lot of people.”
“Maybe he wasn’t intentionally flirting, but Surfer Boy definitely had it out for him.”
“You know… I know people who know people. I can have him taken out,” she said in between bites.
“You know nobody.”
“True, but I can send Sophie in there, and she can take care of him with her shrill screaming. When she has one of her tantrums, she can wake the dead and then kill them all over again.”
I nodded. “It’s a true talent.”
Moxie took the last bite of her meatballs and patted her stomach. “I think that’s enough balls for now.”
“Are you buying some to take home?” I asked, getting up from the chair to look around the store.
“No, I’m good for now until I get to have Miles’s balls for dessert.” She smiled and took her plate to dispose of it.
“You need serious mental help,” I said, putting my arm around my best friend and kissing the top of her head.
W e started strolling through the vast store, looking at couches and dining tables before finally getting to the baby and children’s furniture. Even though I still had Ethan’s crib, I wanted to have something different for our baby girl’s room. Our tastes were on the modern side, so I
I liked to label the different types of people who came to IKEA. First you had the newly college graduated roommates, who wanted to upgrade their apartment from crates to Euro chic. Then there was the disinterested husband, who sat on the display couches while his overzealous wife spent his cash. And then there were people, like my best friend, who would kick someone’s nut up inside his body if he dared try to take the last serving of meatballs.
“We are going to get some balls.” Moxie pulled my arm toward the cafeteria. IKEA also sold food.
“Moxie, we don’t have time to get Swedish meatballs.”
She stopped dead in her tracks. “Ryan, no one—and I mean no one—gets in the way of me and my balls.”
“And we all know you like them big.” I stuck out my tongue at her.
We stood in line to get Moxie’s food, and I grabbed a bottle of water since I’d eaten lunch with Ethan earlier. We found a place to sit by the window, and Moxie inhaled her food as if she hadn’t pigged out on donuts all morning.
“So… spill,” she said, taking her utensils to cut into her food.
“What am I spilling?”
She paused before taking a mouthful of food. “Ryan Keller, in all the years I’ve known you, you have never asked me to go shopping with you. Are you dying? You have anal caner, don’t you?”
“What? I’ve asked you to go shopping with me. Is anal cancer even a real thing?
“I have no fucking clue and no, you’ve never asked. Trust me, I would have marked it down on my calendar and sent you an anniversary card to celebrate the moment.” She moaned, savoring her food.
“How are your balls?”
“Heaven. I wish Miles’s balls tasted this good. Do Brandon’s balls taste good?”
“Lately, I wouldn’t know.”
She wiped her mouth with her napkin and narrowed her eyes at me. “What did you do?”
“Why do you automatically think it’s something I did?” My voice got a little too loud for intimate conversation. A few heads turned to look at me, and I waved my hand. “It’s all good here; my friend just really loves her balls.”
Moxie kicked my leg under the table. “Shut it, douche canoe. Tell me what happened.”
“I don’t think it’s just one thing. He’s been spending a lot of time at the hospital. He comes home late, he’s really irritable, and when I try for sex, he says he’s tired or makes some other excuse. Then there is a guy at the hospital…”
“You think he’s cheating?”
“No… Maybe. I don’t know. I know his job is stressful, but it’s really starting to take a toll. He almost missed the ultrasound because he was flirting with this nurse up in Labor and Delivery.”
“Are you sure it was flirting? Brandon is a nice guy and chats it up with a lot of people.”
“Maybe he wasn’t intentionally flirting, but Surfer Boy definitely had it out for him.”
“You know… I know people who know people. I can have him taken out,” she said in between bites.
“You know nobody.”
“True, but I can send Sophie in there, and she can take care of him with her shrill screaming. When she has one of her tantrums, she can wake the dead and then kill them all over again.”
I nodded. “It’s a true talent.”
Moxie took the last bite of her meatballs and patted her stomach. “I think that’s enough balls for now.”
“Are you buying some to take home?” I asked, getting up from the chair to look around the store.
“No, I’m good for now until I get to have Miles’s balls for dessert.” She smiled and took her plate to dispose of it.
“You need serious mental help,” I said, putting my arm around my best friend and kissing the top of her head.
W e started strolling through the vast store, looking at couches and dining tables before finally getting to the baby and children’s furniture. Even though I still had Ethan’s crib, I wanted to have something different for our baby girl’s room. Our tastes were on the modern side, so I
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