me of something. 'This deadly dump is getting too inconvenient, Lenia. I'll have to find somewhere more salubrious to live.'
'Oh Great Mother!' Lenia exclaimed immediately. 'He's pregnant!'
Taken aback by the shrewdness of her guesswork, I blushed-losing any chance of disguising my plight. 'Don't be ridiculous,' I lied as brazenly as possible. 'I know how to look after myself.'
'Didius Falco, I've seen you do a lot of stupid things.' That was true. She had known me since my bachelor days. 'But I never thought you'd be caught out in the old way!'
It was my turn to say mind your own business, and Lenia's to laugh seditiously.
I changed the subject. 'Does your slimy betrothed still own that decrepit property across the court?'
'Smaractus never disposes of a freehold.' He never bothered to redevelop a wrecked tenement either. As an entrepreneur, Smaractus was as dynamic as a slug. 'Which property, Falco?'
'The first-floor spread. What's he call it? "Refined and commodious self-contained apartment at generous rent; sure to be snapped up." You with me?'
'The dump he's been advertising on my wall for the past four years? Don't be the fool who does snap it up, Falco. The refined and commodious back section has no floor.'
'So what? My shack upstairs hardly has a roof. I'm used to deprivation. Mind if I take a look at the place?'
'Do what you like,' sniffed Lenia. 'What you see is all there is. He won't do it up for you. He's short of loose change.'
'Of course. He's getting married!' I grinned. 'Old Smaractus must be spending every day of the week burying his money bags in very deep holes in faraway fields in Latium. If he's got any sense, he'll then lose the map.'
I could tell Lenia was on the verge of advising me to jump down the Great Sewer and close the manhole after me, but we were interrupted by a more than usually off-putting messenger.
It was a grubby little girl of about seven years, with large feet and a very small nose. She had a scowling expression that I immediately recognised as similar to my own. She was one of my nieces. I could not remember which niece, though she definitely came from the Didius tribe. She looked like my sister Galla's offspring. They had a truly useless father, and apart from the eldest, who had sensibly left home, they were a pitiful, struggling crew. Someone had hung one of those bull's-testicle amulets around this one's neck to protect her from harm, though whoever it was had not bothered to teach her to leave her scabs alone or to wipe her nose.
'Oh, Juno,' rasped Lenia. 'Take her out of here, Falco. My customers will think they'll catch something.'
'Go away,' I greeted the niece convivially.
'Uncle Marcus! Have you brought us any presents?'
'No.' I had done, because all my sisters' children were in sore need of a devoted, uncomplicated uncle to ruin their characters with ridiculous largesse. I couldn't spoil only the clean and polite ones, though I had no intention of letting the other little brats think me an easy touch. Anyone who came and asked for their ceramic Syrian camel with the nodding head would have to wait a week for it.
'Oh Uncle Marcus!' I felt like a heel, as she intended. 'Cut the grizzling. Listen, what's your name - '
'Tertulla,' she supplied, without taking offence.
'What are you after, Tertulla?'
'Grandpa sent me.'
'Termites! You haven't found me then.'
'It's urgent, Uncle Marcus!'
'Not as urgent as scratching your elbow - I'm off!'
'He said you'd give me a copper for finding you.'
'Well he's wrong.' Needing to argue more strongly, I had to resort to blackmail. 'Listen, wasn't yesterday the Ides?' One good thing about helping Petronius at Ostia was that we had missed the Festival of the October Horse - once a savage carnival and horse race, now just a complete mess in the streets. It was also the end of the official school holidays. 'Shouldn't you be starting school now? Why are you loose today?'
'I don't want to go.'
'Tertulla, everyone who has a
'Oh Great Mother!' Lenia exclaimed immediately. 'He's pregnant!'
Taken aback by the shrewdness of her guesswork, I blushed-losing any chance of disguising my plight. 'Don't be ridiculous,' I lied as brazenly as possible. 'I know how to look after myself.'
'Didius Falco, I've seen you do a lot of stupid things.' That was true. She had known me since my bachelor days. 'But I never thought you'd be caught out in the old way!'
It was my turn to say mind your own business, and Lenia's to laugh seditiously.
I changed the subject. 'Does your slimy betrothed still own that decrepit property across the court?'
'Smaractus never disposes of a freehold.' He never bothered to redevelop a wrecked tenement either. As an entrepreneur, Smaractus was as dynamic as a slug. 'Which property, Falco?'
'The first-floor spread. What's he call it? "Refined and commodious self-contained apartment at generous rent; sure to be snapped up." You with me?'
'The dump he's been advertising on my wall for the past four years? Don't be the fool who does snap it up, Falco. The refined and commodious back section has no floor.'
'So what? My shack upstairs hardly has a roof. I'm used to deprivation. Mind if I take a look at the place?'
'Do what you like,' sniffed Lenia. 'What you see is all there is. He won't do it up for you. He's short of loose change.'
'Of course. He's getting married!' I grinned. 'Old Smaractus must be spending every day of the week burying his money bags in very deep holes in faraway fields in Latium. If he's got any sense, he'll then lose the map.'
I could tell Lenia was on the verge of advising me to jump down the Great Sewer and close the manhole after me, but we were interrupted by a more than usually off-putting messenger.
It was a grubby little girl of about seven years, with large feet and a very small nose. She had a scowling expression that I immediately recognised as similar to my own. She was one of my nieces. I could not remember which niece, though she definitely came from the Didius tribe. She looked like my sister Galla's offspring. They had a truly useless father, and apart from the eldest, who had sensibly left home, they were a pitiful, struggling crew. Someone had hung one of those bull's-testicle amulets around this one's neck to protect her from harm, though whoever it was had not bothered to teach her to leave her scabs alone or to wipe her nose.
'Oh, Juno,' rasped Lenia. 'Take her out of here, Falco. My customers will think they'll catch something.'
'Go away,' I greeted the niece convivially.
'Uncle Marcus! Have you brought us any presents?'
'No.' I had done, because all my sisters' children were in sore need of a devoted, uncomplicated uncle to ruin their characters with ridiculous largesse. I couldn't spoil only the clean and polite ones, though I had no intention of letting the other little brats think me an easy touch. Anyone who came and asked for their ceramic Syrian camel with the nodding head would have to wait a week for it.
'Oh Uncle Marcus!' I felt like a heel, as she intended. 'Cut the grizzling. Listen, what's your name - '
'Tertulla,' she supplied, without taking offence.
'What are you after, Tertulla?'
'Grandpa sent me.'
'Termites! You haven't found me then.'
'It's urgent, Uncle Marcus!'
'Not as urgent as scratching your elbow - I'm off!'
'He said you'd give me a copper for finding you.'
'Well he's wrong.' Needing to argue more strongly, I had to resort to blackmail. 'Listen, wasn't yesterday the Ides?' One good thing about helping Petronius at Ostia was that we had missed the Festival of the October Horse - once a savage carnival and horse race, now just a complete mess in the streets. It was also the end of the official school holidays. 'Shouldn't you be starting school now? Why are you loose today?'
'I don't want to go.'
'Tertulla, everyone who has a
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