To Say Goodbye by Lindsay Detwiler Page B

come to this. He hated that he was a weekend father—or more accurately, a two weekends a month and a few court-appointed holidays a year kind of father. This wasn’t what he had planned.
    He’d wanted to be the father his dad hadn’t been. Sure, his dad had provided for him, had given him so much. He hadn’t been abusive or anything like that. Still, his dad had been the cold, emotionless, authoritative father Jackson didn’t ever want to be. Jackson couldn’t remember his dad ever telling him he loved him, couldn’t remember a single hug. His father was a no-nonsense, respect-your-elders kind of father.
    Things had only worsened after Wade died. The already rigid Louis had tightened up even more, afraid to show emotion, afraid to show the world the hurt that most certainly had been his over the loss of his eldest child. He shut down completely, shut them out completely, cocooning himself in an unbreakable wall of stoicism. The wall had shifted slightly, allowing some glimmer of emotion to shine through, but for the most part, Louis Gauge was still the picture of sternness Jackson remembered all too well.
    When Chloe found out she was pregnant, Jackson promised himself right away he wouldn’t be Louis Gauge. He would tell his son he loved him every day, would give him more hugs and kisses than he could ever want. He would smother his son in love, teach him something every day. He would be the Dr. Seuss-reading, picture-painting, cookie-baking father he’d always wanted. He would be the kind of loving father he’d secretly always wanted.
    More importantly, he would respect any career choice Logan wanted to pursue. He wouldn’t force him into the family business.
    Now, though, things were so different. Jackson couldn’t be the father he wanted to be. He wasn’t showering Logan with love every day. He wasn’t the one teaching him new words or how to tie his shoes or how to use manners. He was hours away, clutching only a picture of the son he loved more than anything. He was left hoping the new man in Logan’s life was fair and loving, was the kind of father figure Logan could look up to.
    Driving down the highway, Jackson glanced at the horizon, still shaded in pink from the sunrise.
    He’d been telling himself everything would get better if he just hung on. He’d told himself not to give up. Lately, though, he’d been feeling utterly hopeless. He’d been feeling like all was gone. How could things get better? He’d lost. There was no one left in his corner, either, other than his parents and sister. He was a lost man, a lost dad, a lost everything.
    The pull of the booze was strengthening again, inviting him into its cool, plentiful ability to drown out the world. He’d been fighting it off, but ever since Tim’s death, the pull had strengthened.
    If things didn’t turn around soon, he worried he would cave to its pressures and, tragically, succumb to the fact his life was doomed.
    _______________
    “Daddy!” The curly haired boy charged toward Jackson as soon as his mother lifted him from his car seat.
    “My man!” Jackson proclaimed, ruffling the boy’s hair as the child wrapped himself around his legs.
    “I brought my dinosaur.” He held up a stuffed toy, the one Jackson had bought him during their last visit.
    “Perfect. Are you ready to have some fun?”
    “Yeah. Bye, Mommy.” He blew a kiss at his mother as Jackson loaded him in the truck. Once Logan was buckled in safely, his dinosaur in his lap, Jackson shut the door to the extended cab.
    “I’ll see you at exactly four on Sunday. His bedtime is at eight. Please don’t screw up his schedule like you did last time.” Chloe’s voice oozed with coldness as she flipped her brunette locks.
    Jackson eyed her as he stood, hands on the top of the truck door. “I wish it didn’t have to be like this,” he hissed, hoping to catch just a sliver of the woman he once knew.
    The warm woman was gone, replaced with a cold version of her, an