and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits his ball onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water. As the ball hits the surface a fish jumps up and swallows it but is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says, “Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit fucking around and play golf?”
*
Three nuns are waiting for an audience with Mother Theresa. The first nun goes in and says, “Forgive me, Mother, but I've seen a man's privates.”
“Go wash your eyes in holy water,” says Mother Theresa.
The second nun confesses to Mother Theresa that she has touched a man's privates. “My child,” says the elderly nun, “go wash your hands in holy water.”
The two nuns are busy with their penance when the third nun comes over and says, “Watch out, girls—I gotta gargle.”
*
There was bad flooding in New Orleans one spring, and the water was up to the porch of the parish priest's house when a jeep drove by to pick him up. “Don't save me, save someone more needy,” said the devout old man.
Eight hours later the water was up past the second story and the priest was on the roof when the rescue boat came by. “Go save someone else,” he said.
After another eight hours the water was up to the man's chin, and a helicopter came by with a rope. “No, no,” he said, “save someone else first,” and he resumed his prayers. About ten minutes later he drowned, of course, and went to heaven. It wasn't until two weeks later that he got to meet God.
“God,” he said, “what happened? I've been a believer all my life and I just knew that You would save me.”
God answered, “Well, you damn fool, first I sent a jeep, then a boat, and then a helicopter!”
*
A black greets a fellow black on the street: “Hey, mothafuckah!”
“Good morning, Reverend.”
*
Every Sunday down in Macon, Georgia, this Southern Baptist, a good ol’ boy, picks up the minister to take him to church. One morning the fellow notices a bunch of black guys hanging out by the side of the road. He's dying to run them over, but he doesn't quite dare, since the minister's in the car right next to him. So he takes out his handkerchief and, pretending to sneeze, swerves wildly over the sidewalk.
“Did I hit any? Did I hit any?” he asks, trying to instill a note of genuine panic into his voice.
“Naw,” drawled the minister, “but I got two of the muthas with the door.”
*
Why don't black women make good nuns?
They can't say “superior” after “mother.”
*
An insurance salesman dies and goes to heaven, only to find a long, long line waiting at the pearly gates. He waits and waits for hours, talking to the others in line: cops, clerks, and people from all professions. As they are talking, they see a man dressed in white, carrying a medical bag, approach the head of the line. He says a couple of words to St. Peter and is immediately ushered into heaven. The salesman is irate. He wasn't pushed around in life, and he doesn't want to get pushed around now. He makes his way to the head of the line and lets St. Peter have it. “I've been waiting here for hours, and some damn doctor pushes his way into heaven. What gives?” St. Peter replies, “Don't get so upset. That was just God playing doctor.”
*
A nervous young priest, about to deliver his first sermon, asks an older priest how he might calm down a bit. He advises the young priest to fill the water pitcher with martinis. Well, the new priest preaches up a storm, and afterwards he asks the older priest what he thought.
“You did very well, but I have just a few criticisms:
—There are ten commandments,
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water. As the ball hits the surface a fish jumps up and swallows it but is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says, “Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit fucking around and play golf?”
*
Three nuns are waiting for an audience with Mother Theresa. The first nun goes in and says, “Forgive me, Mother, but I've seen a man's privates.”
“Go wash your eyes in holy water,” says Mother Theresa.
The second nun confesses to Mother Theresa that she has touched a man's privates. “My child,” says the elderly nun, “go wash your hands in holy water.”
The two nuns are busy with their penance when the third nun comes over and says, “Watch out, girls—I gotta gargle.”
*
There was bad flooding in New Orleans one spring, and the water was up to the porch of the parish priest's house when a jeep drove by to pick him up. “Don't save me, save someone more needy,” said the devout old man.
Eight hours later the water was up past the second story and the priest was on the roof when the rescue boat came by. “Go save someone else,” he said.
After another eight hours the water was up to the man's chin, and a helicopter came by with a rope. “No, no,” he said, “save someone else first,” and he resumed his prayers. About ten minutes later he drowned, of course, and went to heaven. It wasn't until two weeks later that he got to meet God.
“God,” he said, “what happened? I've been a believer all my life and I just knew that You would save me.”
God answered, “Well, you damn fool, first I sent a jeep, then a boat, and then a helicopter!”
*
A black greets a fellow black on the street: “Hey, mothafuckah!”
“Good morning, Reverend.”
*
Every Sunday down in Macon, Georgia, this Southern Baptist, a good ol’ boy, picks up the minister to take him to church. One morning the fellow notices a bunch of black guys hanging out by the side of the road. He's dying to run them over, but he doesn't quite dare, since the minister's in the car right next to him. So he takes out his handkerchief and, pretending to sneeze, swerves wildly over the sidewalk.
“Did I hit any? Did I hit any?” he asks, trying to instill a note of genuine panic into his voice.
“Naw,” drawled the minister, “but I got two of the muthas with the door.”
*
Why don't black women make good nuns?
They can't say “superior” after “mother.”
*
An insurance salesman dies and goes to heaven, only to find a long, long line waiting at the pearly gates. He waits and waits for hours, talking to the others in line: cops, clerks, and people from all professions. As they are talking, they see a man dressed in white, carrying a medical bag, approach the head of the line. He says a couple of words to St. Peter and is immediately ushered into heaven. The salesman is irate. He wasn't pushed around in life, and he doesn't want to get pushed around now. He makes his way to the head of the line and lets St. Peter have it. “I've been waiting here for hours, and some damn doctor pushes his way into heaven. What gives?” St. Peter replies, “Don't get so upset. That was just God playing doctor.”
*
A nervous young priest, about to deliver his first sermon, asks an older priest how he might calm down a bit. He advises the young priest to fill the water pitcher with martinis. Well, the new priest preaches up a storm, and afterwards he asks the older priest what he thought.
“You did very well, but I have just a few criticisms:
—There are ten commandments,
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