not twelve.
—There are twelve apostles, not ten.
—David slew Goliath; he did not ‘kick the shit out of Goliath.’
—Next week there is a taffy pull at St. Peter's, not a Peter pull at St. Taffy's.
—The holy cross is not to be referred to as ‘the Big T.’
—Please do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and the apostles as ‘J.C. and the boys.’
—And restrain yourself from calling the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost ‘Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.’
—And lastly, kindly do not call the Blessed Virgin Mary ‘Mary with the cherry.’”
Cruelty to Animals
Mr. Johnson went out on his annual hunting expedition and actually succeeded in bagging a pheasant. He proudly brought it home and did his best to clean it, and that night the family sat down to a pheasant dinner. After a few mouthfuls his wife jumped up and ran for the bathroom. She came back a few minutes later and said, “Honey, there were little black things in my shit. What do you think it could be?”
“Uh oh,” said Mr. Johnson, “I guess I didn't clean the pheasant out too well. Just keep an eye out for the birdshot while you're eating.”
About five minutes later his daughter dashed for the bathroom. She came out crying, “Daddy, Daddy, there's black things floating in my pee!”
“Pellets again—I'm really sorry. Don't worry, they won't hurt you,” he reassured her.
Soon enough his son strolled off, coming back to the table ten minutes later. “What's wrong with you, Billy?” asked Mr. Johnson.
“I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
*
You know what elephants use for tampons, right?
Sheep.
But do you know why elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
*
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
*
What kind of bees give the most milk?
Boo bees.
*
“Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?”
“Uhh ... one's sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital.”
*
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue eyes, and a dainty white lace dress was playing under a tree with her adorable little dog.
What a lovely picture, thought Father O'Malley to himself. Walking over, he asked, “Child, what is your name?”
“Blossom,” she replied.
“What a fitting name,” exclaimed Father O'Malley. “And how did your parents come to choose such a pretty name?”
“Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She thought it was a message from God and decided that if I were a girl, my name would be Blossom,” explained the little girl sweetly.
How charming, thought the priest. He started to walk away, then turned back. “And the name of your little dog?” he inquired.
“Porky,” was the child's reply.
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
“Because he likes to fuck pigs.”
*
What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it to you.
*
Did you hear about the Purdue student who was majoring in animal husbandry?
They caught him at it.
*
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, “Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?”
“No.”
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
*
An Alabama deputy sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, a kid came walking by. Spying a frog, the kid grabbed it, took out his pocket knife, and said, “Frog, I's gon’ cut yo’ legs off!” Then he said, “Frog, after I gets done cuttin’ yo legs off, I's gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog ...”
This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed the kid, and said, “Looka heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to you!”
The kid said, “Frog, dis here's yo’ lucky day, ‘cause I's gon’ kiss yo’
—There are twelve apostles, not ten.
—David slew Goliath; he did not ‘kick the shit out of Goliath.’
—Next week there is a taffy pull at St. Peter's, not a Peter pull at St. Taffy's.
—The holy cross is not to be referred to as ‘the Big T.’
—Please do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and the apostles as ‘J.C. and the boys.’
—And restrain yourself from calling the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost ‘Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.’
—And lastly, kindly do not call the Blessed Virgin Mary ‘Mary with the cherry.’”
Cruelty to Animals
Mr. Johnson went out on his annual hunting expedition and actually succeeded in bagging a pheasant. He proudly brought it home and did his best to clean it, and that night the family sat down to a pheasant dinner. After a few mouthfuls his wife jumped up and ran for the bathroom. She came back a few minutes later and said, “Honey, there were little black things in my shit. What do you think it could be?”
“Uh oh,” said Mr. Johnson, “I guess I didn't clean the pheasant out too well. Just keep an eye out for the birdshot while you're eating.”
About five minutes later his daughter dashed for the bathroom. She came out crying, “Daddy, Daddy, there's black things floating in my pee!”
“Pellets again—I'm really sorry. Don't worry, they won't hurt you,” he reassured her.
Soon enough his son strolled off, coming back to the table ten minutes later. “What's wrong with you, Billy?” asked Mr. Johnson.
“I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
*
You know what elephants use for tampons, right?
Sheep.
But do you know why elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
*
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
*
What kind of bees give the most milk?
Boo bees.
*
“Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?”
“Uhh ... one's sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital.”
*
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue eyes, and a dainty white lace dress was playing under a tree with her adorable little dog.
What a lovely picture, thought Father O'Malley to himself. Walking over, he asked, “Child, what is your name?”
“Blossom,” she replied.
“What a fitting name,” exclaimed Father O'Malley. “And how did your parents come to choose such a pretty name?”
“Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She thought it was a message from God and decided that if I were a girl, my name would be Blossom,” explained the little girl sweetly.
How charming, thought the priest. He started to walk away, then turned back. “And the name of your little dog?” he inquired.
“Porky,” was the child's reply.
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
“Because he likes to fuck pigs.”
*
What's the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it to you.
*
Did you hear about the Purdue student who was majoring in animal husbandry?
They caught him at it.
*
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, “Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?”
“No.”
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
*
An Alabama deputy sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, a kid came walking by. Spying a frog, the kid grabbed it, took out his pocket knife, and said, “Frog, I's gon’ cut yo’ legs off!” Then he said, “Frog, after I gets done cuttin’ yo legs off, I's gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog ...”
This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed the kid, and said, “Looka heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to you!”
The kid said, “Frog, dis here's yo’ lucky day, ‘cause I's gon’ kiss yo’
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