to our favorite
all day breakfast place. And as soon as we walked in I was glad she chose it. I
always found the breakfast smells in there comforting. Homey. Maybe that’s
because it was the first restaurant I ever went to as a baby, which she usually
mentioned. But she didn’t this time.
Instead we just sat down and she ordered what she always
ordered. I didn’t, though, because I always ordered the most fattening, gluttonous
thing on the menu. And on this occasion my priorities were different. I wanted
to pay attention to what she had to say. I didn't want to spend my energy calculating
how long I could wait before I had to throw up.
So I followed her lead and got the healthy Arizona Omelet and
asked if she wanted to go halves on an order or extra crispy hash browns. Which
of course she did. Because that was our thing. One of our many things.
“So?” she asked after we placed our order.
“So.”
“How have you been doing?”
I sighed.
“I know we haven’t had much time to talk and that you said you
needed space bu-”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I did need space. I still do.” I looked
down and smoothed my paper napkin across my lap. “But you know I can’t resist
this place.”
She smiled. “I know you’ve been going through a lot.” She folded
her hands on the edge of the table. “Even before you found out about our little
situation.”
“Our little situation?”
“What do you want to call it?”
“I don’t know.” Fuck. “My Mommy issues?”
She smiled. “I hope you know we were all doing what we thought
was best. And none of this changes how your fath-”
I raised my eyes to meet hers.
“How Fred and I feel.” She swallowed. “And Dawn always loved
you, too. She really did.” She looked at me through watery eyes. “She just
couldn’t show it in the traditional sense like we could.”
“I understand the words,” I said, “But I don’t know if I’ll ever
understand the feelings, ya know? The ones that made her give me up?”
Carol nodded.
“It’s not like I don’t know I lucked out with you guys. I mean,
no one could deny that you’ve taken good care of me.”
She laughed and shook her hands towards the sky like she’d been
waiting her whole life for me to say she’d done something right.
“But I still don’t know how you could give away your own baby.”
I leaned back in the booth. “I just can’t imagine being in that situation.”
“I hope you never understand it, honey.” She took a sip of her
ice water. “And I know you must feel kind of messed up inside.”
I nodded.
“But I think that will go away in time.” She pursed her lips. “You
see… the whole thing when it happened… It felt so serendipitous .”
“Serendipitous?”
“Yeah.” She tilted her head and smiled. “Dawn really wanted to have you, but she just wasn’t in a position to take care of you. And she didn’t want
you to go live with a strange couple she didn’t know. Especially after she
interviewed so many of them.”
“She did?”
Carol nodded. “I was so angry with her at the time. Especially
because she knew how much we wanted you.”
“She interviewed other couples? Seriously?”
“At least a dozen,” she said. “And they’re only the ones I know about.”
“Wow.”
“She wasn’t trying to slough you off on someone.”
“I guess not.”
Carol’s mouth turned down at the corners. “Honestly, I think at
that point she felt like she’d screwed up so many times in her life that she
was terrified she’d screw you up, too-” She blinked at the ceiling and took a
deep breath through her nose. “She really wanted you to get a good start.”
“And she couldn’t give it to me.”
“She thought about it a lot- how she might make it work. But she
was spending a lot of time with a pretty wild bunch back then, the kind of
people you wouldn’t want your baby around.”
I folded my arms.
“There was no stability in her life to speak of.” She
all day breakfast place. And as soon as we walked in I was glad she chose it. I
always found the breakfast smells in there comforting. Homey. Maybe that’s
because it was the first restaurant I ever went to as a baby, which she usually
mentioned. But she didn’t this time.
Instead we just sat down and she ordered what she always
ordered. I didn’t, though, because I always ordered the most fattening, gluttonous
thing on the menu. And on this occasion my priorities were different. I wanted
to pay attention to what she had to say. I didn't want to spend my energy calculating
how long I could wait before I had to throw up.
So I followed her lead and got the healthy Arizona Omelet and
asked if she wanted to go halves on an order or extra crispy hash browns. Which
of course she did. Because that was our thing. One of our many things.
“So?” she asked after we placed our order.
“So.”
“How have you been doing?”
I sighed.
“I know we haven’t had much time to talk and that you said you
needed space bu-”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I did need space. I still do.” I looked
down and smoothed my paper napkin across my lap. “But you know I can’t resist
this place.”
She smiled. “I know you’ve been going through a lot.” She folded
her hands on the edge of the table. “Even before you found out about our little
situation.”
“Our little situation?”
“What do you want to call it?”
“I don’t know.” Fuck. “My Mommy issues?”
She smiled. “I hope you know we were all doing what we thought
was best. And none of this changes how your fath-”
I raised my eyes to meet hers.
“How Fred and I feel.” She swallowed. “And Dawn always loved
you, too. She really did.” She looked at me through watery eyes. “She just
couldn’t show it in the traditional sense like we could.”
“I understand the words,” I said, “But I don’t know if I’ll ever
understand the feelings, ya know? The ones that made her give me up?”
Carol nodded.
“It’s not like I don’t know I lucked out with you guys. I mean,
no one could deny that you’ve taken good care of me.”
She laughed and shook her hands towards the sky like she’d been
waiting her whole life for me to say she’d done something right.
“But I still don’t know how you could give away your own baby.”
I leaned back in the booth. “I just can’t imagine being in that situation.”
“I hope you never understand it, honey.” She took a sip of her
ice water. “And I know you must feel kind of messed up inside.”
I nodded.
“But I think that will go away in time.” She pursed her lips. “You
see… the whole thing when it happened… It felt so serendipitous .”
“Serendipitous?”
“Yeah.” She tilted her head and smiled. “Dawn really wanted to have you, but she just wasn’t in a position to take care of you. And she didn’t want
you to go live with a strange couple she didn’t know. Especially after she
interviewed so many of them.”
“She did?”
Carol nodded. “I was so angry with her at the time. Especially
because she knew how much we wanted you.”
“She interviewed other couples? Seriously?”
“At least a dozen,” she said. “And they’re only the ones I know about.”
“Wow.”
“She wasn’t trying to slough you off on someone.”
“I guess not.”
Carol’s mouth turned down at the corners. “Honestly, I think at
that point she felt like she’d screwed up so many times in her life that she
was terrified she’d screw you up, too-” She blinked at the ceiling and took a
deep breath through her nose. “She really wanted you to get a good start.”
“And she couldn’t give it to me.”
“She thought about it a lot- how she might make it work. But she
was spending a lot of time with a pretty wild bunch back then, the kind of
people you wouldn’t want your baby around.”
I folded my arms.
“There was no stability in her life to speak of.” She
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