a conspiracy. Maybe they were instigating and
trying to help me because they knew that I wanted to be mad. I suddenly felt
that it was my responsibility to educate each and every one of them. Tell them
about the Jews and who we all were. It all seemed so ironic. I wasn't even
religious. I didn't even have a formal Jewish education. But I couldn't just
sit there. I needed to speak my mind. And yet, I knew the reason that I
needed to do it. The topic of conversation had just been a scapegoat. It was
an outlet for me. Well, it would have been. Until Jordan came to the rescue.
He was always so sensitive. From his perspective, I had needed
support. Someone to help me through the explanation so I wouldn't have to feel
alone. He impressed me. Not only did he come to my aid but he knew the entire
history of Hanukah. Jordan wasn't even Jewish. I listened in awe as he
defined its meaning in painstaking detail, of course.
I looked straight at Tristan and asked him out loud, "Have you
ever heard of this holiday?"
I hoped that he, at least, had. I wanted him to know. But he
shook his head no and for the first time since I had laid eyes on him, I felt a
serious distance. I looked back at Jordan and felt a warmth inside. It was a
closeness and feeling of togetherness. Teamwork. I knew that I was lucky to
have him, I really did. And for that reason alone, I grew even sadder,
thinking still, it wasn't enough.
After Jordan shared the particulars of Hanukah, he reiterated once
again, our plans to spend the holidays together. He explained that we planned
to celebrate both holidays, Hanukah with my family and Christmas with his. I
knew in his heart that he hadn't been trying to erase our discussion from
earlier. Somehow I knew it was just a good ending to his story and some
further explanation to what was. So I sat, and listened, and realized that it
was probably better that it had happened that way.
It was getting late. We were all starting to get tired and Jordan
initiated our leaving. He stood up from his chair and as he did, I felt
frozen. I was glued to my seat. My eyes caught Tristan's as he stared into
mine. I realized at that moment that I might never see him again. I still
didn't have his number, nor did he have mine. I still didn't know his last
name and I knew that he didn't know mine. Yet only moments ago, I had felt
distant from him. Distant because I hadn't wanted us to be different. Not
significantly different anyway. Didn't want us to be from two different
worlds. Or if we were, I at least wanted him to know about mine. But we were,
and he didn't, and that was probably part of the attraction. But I also knew
that we shared something deeper than the worlds from which we both came. It
was beyond a language, religion or land. When I looked at him, it was he that
I saw and did not have the need to look deeper. And as he looked at me, I knew
that given the chance, I would never have the strength to deny him.
Slowly, I stood from my chair. I wanted desperately to make the
next few minutes last. I hoped that by moving slowly I could make time stand
still. I was filled with anxiety and felt a sense of fear. This time, I
couldn't accept the loss. We had come so far and it had been such an effort to
find him. It was more like a miracle that we had, and I wasn't going to leave
without knowing for sure that one day I'd see him again.
He remained still, for just a brief moment, and concern mounted
quickly within me. Was it possible that he had contemplated letting me leave
without ensuring the future? But then, he reached into his pocket, I diverted
my attention, and I pretended not to notice him at all. I said my good-byes to
Courtney and the others, and extended a half-hearted invitation to them all. I
gave her my number and suggested they call, if ever they should come to New
York. I turned away and focused on
trying to help me because they knew that I wanted to be mad. I suddenly felt
that it was my responsibility to educate each and every one of them. Tell them
about the Jews and who we all were. It all seemed so ironic. I wasn't even
religious. I didn't even have a formal Jewish education. But I couldn't just
sit there. I needed to speak my mind. And yet, I knew the reason that I
needed to do it. The topic of conversation had just been a scapegoat. It was
an outlet for me. Well, it would have been. Until Jordan came to the rescue.
He was always so sensitive. From his perspective, I had needed
support. Someone to help me through the explanation so I wouldn't have to feel
alone. He impressed me. Not only did he come to my aid but he knew the entire
history of Hanukah. Jordan wasn't even Jewish. I listened in awe as he
defined its meaning in painstaking detail, of course.
I looked straight at Tristan and asked him out loud, "Have you
ever heard of this holiday?"
I hoped that he, at least, had. I wanted him to know. But he
shook his head no and for the first time since I had laid eyes on him, I felt a
serious distance. I looked back at Jordan and felt a warmth inside. It was a
closeness and feeling of togetherness. Teamwork. I knew that I was lucky to
have him, I really did. And for that reason alone, I grew even sadder,
thinking still, it wasn't enough.
After Jordan shared the particulars of Hanukah, he reiterated once
again, our plans to spend the holidays together. He explained that we planned
to celebrate both holidays, Hanukah with my family and Christmas with his. I
knew in his heart that he hadn't been trying to erase our discussion from
earlier. Somehow I knew it was just a good ending to his story and some
further explanation to what was. So I sat, and listened, and realized that it
was probably better that it had happened that way.
It was getting late. We were all starting to get tired and Jordan
initiated our leaving. He stood up from his chair and as he did, I felt
frozen. I was glued to my seat. My eyes caught Tristan's as he stared into
mine. I realized at that moment that I might never see him again. I still
didn't have his number, nor did he have mine. I still didn't know his last
name and I knew that he didn't know mine. Yet only moments ago, I had felt
distant from him. Distant because I hadn't wanted us to be different. Not
significantly different anyway. Didn't want us to be from two different
worlds. Or if we were, I at least wanted him to know about mine. But we were,
and he didn't, and that was probably part of the attraction. But I also knew
that we shared something deeper than the worlds from which we both came. It
was beyond a language, religion or land. When I looked at him, it was he that
I saw and did not have the need to look deeper. And as he looked at me, I knew
that given the chance, I would never have the strength to deny him.
Slowly, I stood from my chair. I wanted desperately to make the
next few minutes last. I hoped that by moving slowly I could make time stand
still. I was filled with anxiety and felt a sense of fear. This time, I
couldn't accept the loss. We had come so far and it had been such an effort to
find him. It was more like a miracle that we had, and I wasn't going to leave
without knowing for sure that one day I'd see him again.
He remained still, for just a brief moment, and concern mounted
quickly within me. Was it possible that he had contemplated letting me leave
without ensuring the future? But then, he reached into his pocket, I diverted
my attention, and I pretended not to notice him at all. I said my good-byes to
Courtney and the others, and extended a half-hearted invitation to them all. I
gave her my number and suggested they call, if ever they should come to New
York. I turned away and focused on
Similar Books
