Valentine's Day Is Killing Me by Mary Janice Davidson, Susanna Carr, Leslie Esdaile

a day that the mob wiped out a rival gang—I believe the St. Valentine’s Day massacre comes to mind, hmmm? Absurd.”
    Again, hearty but weakening chuckles shot around the small huddle of women.
    “Jacqui is right,” Jocelyn said. “We need to take proactive action. I say, why sit around this Valentine’s Day, watching a tearjerker chick flick, alone , wringing our hands, drinking wine, alone , and being morose? Why allow the lusty calls from cheating spouses or the O-T-O, one time only, booty call brothers who just wanna get their swerve on, disrupt our Zen and make us weak? We do not have to be victimized by this cultural insanity. Not for one freakin’ night of the year.”
    “No justice, no peace!” Tina yelled, making heads turn in the vegetarian restaurant as her girlfriends screamed with laughter.
    “Girl, you crazy, hush,” Freddie said, laughing but glancing around. “You don’t want people thinking they need to call Homeland Security on your behind.”
    “I ain’t playing,” Tina said, laughing so hard, tears came to her eyes. “I ain’t had none in over a year, and I’m ready to jihad. It ain’t right!”
    Jacqui clasped a hand over Tina’s mouth, almost falling out of her chair as she laughed harder. “TMI, girl. Way too much information!”
    “It’s the truth,” Tina mumbled from behind Jacqui’s hand.
    “Oh, say it ain’t so,” Freddie giggled. “Don’t start with the celibacy Olympic records, y’all, ’cause next thing ya know we’ll be holding up number cards for the no-dick months. Ten! Nine-point-five! That’s an eight-seven!”
    Jocelyn laid her head on the table and covered it. “Shut up, girl, before you make me pee myself.”
    “Tell the truth. What’s your number?” Freddie said, laughing harder as Jocelyn waved her away.
    “I’ma need Depends if y’all don’t cut it out,” Jocelyn wheezed.
    “Our American contender looks at the line, readying herself for the competition,” Tina whispered like a sports announcer.
    “She’s a pro, been through many events,” Jacqui said, going into character with Tina and leaning into the table, her voice low and serious as the others roared with laughter. Jacqui allowed her voice to gain in momentum as she moved silverware around an imaginary track. “The gun fires, and she’s off, rounding the corner, taking out the girls on the job, has the lead, and her time is unbelievable ! We might just have an abstinence record, folks! The judges are furiously calculating. We might even have a world record. Since she began graduate school…wait, wait, the numbers are coming in.”
    Jocelyn threw her head back, laughing, and did a victory dance in her chair. “Thirty-six-point-four! Yes!” When her girlfriends laughed so hard they nearly fell out of her chairs, Jocelyn donned an invisible ribbon, blotting at tears that weren’t there. “First, I wanna give all honor to God. And, if it weren’t for my mother…thanks, Mom!”
    Jacqui spit out her tea in a laughing spray. Tina was coughing, and Freddie was hiccup-laughing so hard that her mascara was beginning to run.
    “Girl, if you mess up this year and lose your mind, and take a booty call from some worthless male, we ain’t gonna be mad at you. Dayum…that don’t make no sense!” Jacqui dabbed her mouth with a napkin, and the table exploded with new rounds of mirth.
    “No, see, girl, this is the thing. I’m not going out like that. One has to plan,” Jocelyn said, shaping her curly Afro with her palms. “You only get victimized by the system when you don’t understand it. So, this year, I propose that we do something different to end the cry-all-night-be-horny-all-night cycle.”
    “You got a plan, girl, then I’m down,” Freddie said, her smile fading to a serious but curious expression.
    “For real, I’ve already got a nervous tic every time I go into CVS to buy toiletries, and I see the red aisle ,” Tina said, laughing hard. “Styrofoam cupids and big