When I Was Five I Killed Myself by Howard Buten

first thing Ozzie said was, ‘Hey, Stan, Joey broke a filling, could Gladys bring him by later today?’
    â€œThat was five years ago. The dentist’s son hasn’t spoken to him since. It’s only a matter of time before he kills himself.”
    I walked across the Playroom to the toychest. There was a doll in it, a girl who had brown hair with ribbons in it like Jessica. She didn’t have any clothes on and I got a stomach ache. Also I was afraid of going to the dentist.
    â€œI have to go today,” I said to the red-haired man.
    He nodded with his eyes closed, like he already knew. “By the way, Burt, my name’s Rudyard.”
    There was another doll in the toychest, it was blond with no ribbons. I threw it at the wall and the arms felloff. My stomach hurt so bad I could hardly stand up. It was like freezing inside my tushy, up inside me. And I had to go to the lavatory.
    I was starting to have tears in my eyes, I bit my lip. I looked at the red-haired man, at Rudyard, and he looked at me with his eyes. He got up and walked over to me and took out a handkerchief and wiped my eyes very soft.
    â€œDusty in here,” he said. “Allergic to the dust in here.”
    I started to cry and he put his hand on my head.
    â€œRudyard, I have to go to the lavatory, there is something wrong inside my tushy. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the dentist.”
    He did this to the back of my hair, he squeezed me a little on my head and put me against him and he smelled like my dad.
    â€œRudyard, I have to go to the lavatory only I have never been down here, I don’t know where one is here.”
    â€œI do,” he said. “It’s a good one too.”
    I was crying.
    â€œRudyard, something is wrong inside me. I am different than everybody else.”
    Rudyard squeezed my head and did this to my hair and I pushed it against him.
    â€œMe too, Burt. Let’s go.”
    Today I got a letter. I thought it was from Jessica, but it wasn’t.
    December 7
    Dear Burt,
    I just got off the phone with Dr Nevele and he told me that it would still be a little while before the first visiting day at CTRC, so I decided to sit down and write a little note instead, while I’m still thinking about you.
    How is everything, Sweetheart? Both your father and I (and Jeffrey!) miss you very much and can’t wait for you to come home. We know that you are anxious to come home too and that’s one of the reasons I am writing this little letter.
    Dr Nevele sure sounds like a terrific guy to Dad and me, Burt, and we think it would really be a shame if after all the hard work and time he’s put into helping you, you didn’t decide to help him too. It’s only fair, Burt. He really does want to help you. He knows a whole lot about little boys and what makes them do the things they do, and it would be a shame to waste his time, don’t you agree? We’re sure you do. We all know that you are truly sorry for what you did and want to make everything right as soon as you can, and so you will decide to help Dr Nevele real soon to find out what’s wrong inside you and then you can fix it right away and come home. Won’t that be terrific? We’re sure it will be, and we know you want to do everything in your power to make it happen.
    You know, Son, you’re not the only one who needs help finding out why you did that horrible thing to Jessica. Your father and I are going to see a doctor too. Someone that Dr Nevele recommended, to ask him if hethinks it’s something Dad and I might have done, some way we failed as parents. It turns out that Dad knows this doctor from the club, so we’re all going to have lunch some time next week and talk about it. Won’t that be nice? We’re sure it will.
    Jessica’s mother came to see us the other night again. She’s still very upset. We asked her to stay to dinner but she wouldn’t. Guess she is still very