When I Was Five I Killed Myself by Howard Buten Page A

angry about everything. Jessica is out of the hospital now. She mentioned writing you a letter, but her mother told her she couldn’t, so please don’t be disappointed if you don’t hear from her. We’re sure you understand, you’re just such a terrific young man. Actually, your father and I don’t think it’s such a good idea for you to see her again, either. Her mother is enrolling her in a private school as soon as the new term starts, and we think maybe that’s all for the best. We’re sure you understand because you’re such a smart little boy.
    Oh, by the way! Kenneth came over this morning and he brought you some baseball cards that he said you have been wanting. How about those Tigers! We don’t know if you can watch the games there at CTRC, but they sure are going great guns this season! Last week Dad took Jeff to a game and they had a terrific time! It was the best time they ever had! They’re going to go again next week, and this time they’re going to sit in Uncle Paul’s box seats. Isn’t that great? Too bad you can’t be there. Some other time.
    Dr Nevele said it wouldn’t be such a good idea to send the baseball cards now, so we’ll keep them for you for when you get home. There’s no one to trade them with there, so they’ll be waiting for you right here at home. Also, there maybe a few other presents waiting too! Remember that dinosaur you wanted at Maxwell’s? Dad and I agreed to get it for you! So if you be good and help Dr Nevele it’ll be waiting for you too when you get home.
    Well, that’s about all the news from here. Please think about helping Dr Nevele so you can come home and get your toys. Won’t that be terrific? Sure it will!
    Love,
    Mom and Dad

[9]
    F OR THE NEW SEMESTER AT SCHOOL I HAD M ISS I RIS FOR Homeroom. She is nice as a teacher, she is young and she wears lots of make-up. She has blond hair. She has nail polish and nice clothes like on tv. She wears perfume which is divine. Also she is easy, man, she never yells. Once she said to us, “I let you children walk all over me,” but I never walked on her.
    (Last semester I had Krepnik, who is mean. One time Andy Debbs picked his nose during belltime and Krepnik saw. She screamed, “You disgusting child, don’t you realize that is the foulest habit?” But Andy didn’t say an answer because he is shy, and she yelled, “Go to the lavatory and wash your hands!” Andy leaned on his desk and then Krepnik said he’d have to wash the desk now. “Who taught you such manners?” screamed Krepnik, and Andy Debbs said, “Nobody, I learned all by myself.” Andy Debbs is from the Home. Miss Krepnik is mean to Home kids because they are poor, but I feel she is the foulest habit.)
    But Miss Iris is nice to everyone. But one time something happened. I came home and Miss Iris was in our kitchen eating lunch with my mom. My mom said, “Dolores just dropped by after the PTA meeting, would you like to join us, Burt?” I ran up to my room and slammed the door. It isn’t right when you see teachers outside of school. Miss Iris was wearing slacks.
    But the third day of the new semester Miss Iris announced that the next day we were going to go to the zoo for a trip. She passed out permission slips, they were mimeographed. I smelled mine for an hour. She said we were going to have a picnic at the zoo but everybody had to bring lunch.
    The next day I woke up early by myself. I made myself breakfast, ketchup and a Mars bar. Shrubs came to call for me, he rang the doorbell and woke everybody up. All the classes in the third grade got to go to the zoo, Miss Hellman’s room and Miss Craig’s room and our room. We had a bus. Miss Iris counted everybody, then she came up to me and said, “May I sit next to you, Burt?” I said no, but she did anyway. Then we went.
    Mimeograph. M I M E O G R A P H.