bit.
Amanda sighs. “Look, I think you have plenty of real things to be upset about, like how some asshole tried to takeadvantage of you in the basement last night or how we almost both died in a fire but…”
“Whoa,” says Brad. He backs up. “Hold on there. Wait, what happened? Are you okay , Ellie? What happened?”
I turn toward Brad. “I’m okay,” I say. “It wasn’t that big a deal.”
Amanda continues, “I guess I just think instead of thinking about what I know you’re thinking about, you should just try and do other stuff, have fun…”
I look down and breathe out hard through my nose. I glance back up. Brad is staring at me, fiddling with his camera uncomfortably. He holds it up to his face.
“Smile!” he says. We both ignore him.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” Amanda says. And then she just gives me this look, this horrible look like she feels sorry for me, not sorry with me, but for me. Like we’re totally separate, unconnected people. And I’m all on my own.
“I’m not doing anything to myself,” I say. “I didn’t choose for things to be like this.” My stomach is starting to hurt. I wish someone would come in and pluck me out of this conversation and deposit me in a different one. Or maybe tuck me back in my bed with my fan blowing on my face and my comforter pulled all the way up to my nose.
“You didn’t. But you can choose to get over it.”
I am hit by a sudden wave of loneliness, so intense it’s like my insides are hollowed out. “No, I can’t,” I say. Ilook at Amanda’s face; suddenly she looks like a stranger. “And you know that.”
We stop then. We’re all silent.
Amanda’s phone buzzes and she takes it out of her giant bag. She f lips her phone open with her thumb and reads her text. “I’m supposed to go meet Liz now so…I guess I’m going to go.” She snaps her phone shut and looks at me. “Do you still need me to come and pick you up later?”
I feel an ache in my chest. It’s that word “need” that gets me. And the way Amanda says it, with just the littlest hint of exasperation in her voice, like I’m a chore she has to take care of.
“Nah,” I say. “That’s alright.” I turn around and do something totally unnecessary with the milk jug so Amanda won’t see my face.
“You’re not coming to my house later?” Does she sound confused or relieved?
I shake my head. “I think I just want to go home tonight.” And a cold heaviness fills the pit of my stomach. I’m not even really sure why I said this, I don’t want to go to my house at all. And besides, I think of Amanda’s house as home more than I do my own. But it’s too late now because Amanda is saying, “Okay then,” and, “Well, I guess I’ll just talk to you later then.” And she’s kissing Brad on the cheek and walking out the door.
I stand there and I watch her go.
I feel a tightening in my chest, so intense I gasp. I missNina all the time, but it is in moments like these, when I feel like I am totally alone in this world, that I miss her the most.
“Ellie?” Brad says again. I just nod, still staring at the door and then I squeeze my eyes shut and will Nina to materialize. It is dangerous and childish, I know, to let myself wish like this, to pour my whole self into wanting something that I can’t have that I don’t even know how to go about trying to get. But I can’t stop. I keep my eyes closed and I hold my breath as a tear works its way down my cheek. And I just stay like that, wishing, wishing, wishing, until I hear Brad making a high-pitched beeping noise. I open my eyes.
“I don’t mean to interrupt your unhappiness, Ellie, or seem like I’m not taking it seriously, but my hot-guy-who-could-be-Ellie’s-next-boyfriend-dar”—Brad motions with his chin toward the door where a guy has just walked in—“has just gone off like cah-razy ! Beep-beep-beeeeep. ”
I shake my head. It’s sweet of Brad to try to distract me, but
Amanda sighs. “Look, I think you have plenty of real things to be upset about, like how some asshole tried to takeadvantage of you in the basement last night or how we almost both died in a fire but…”
“Whoa,” says Brad. He backs up. “Hold on there. Wait, what happened? Are you okay , Ellie? What happened?”
I turn toward Brad. “I’m okay,” I say. “It wasn’t that big a deal.”
Amanda continues, “I guess I just think instead of thinking about what I know you’re thinking about, you should just try and do other stuff, have fun…”
I look down and breathe out hard through my nose. I glance back up. Brad is staring at me, fiddling with his camera uncomfortably. He holds it up to his face.
“Smile!” he says. We both ignore him.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” Amanda says. And then she just gives me this look, this horrible look like she feels sorry for me, not sorry with me, but for me. Like we’re totally separate, unconnected people. And I’m all on my own.
“I’m not doing anything to myself,” I say. “I didn’t choose for things to be like this.” My stomach is starting to hurt. I wish someone would come in and pluck me out of this conversation and deposit me in a different one. Or maybe tuck me back in my bed with my fan blowing on my face and my comforter pulled all the way up to my nose.
“You didn’t. But you can choose to get over it.”
I am hit by a sudden wave of loneliness, so intense it’s like my insides are hollowed out. “No, I can’t,” I say. Ilook at Amanda’s face; suddenly she looks like a stranger. “And you know that.”
We stop then. We’re all silent.
Amanda’s phone buzzes and she takes it out of her giant bag. She f lips her phone open with her thumb and reads her text. “I’m supposed to go meet Liz now so…I guess I’m going to go.” She snaps her phone shut and looks at me. “Do you still need me to come and pick you up later?”
I feel an ache in my chest. It’s that word “need” that gets me. And the way Amanda says it, with just the littlest hint of exasperation in her voice, like I’m a chore she has to take care of.
“Nah,” I say. “That’s alright.” I turn around and do something totally unnecessary with the milk jug so Amanda won’t see my face.
“You’re not coming to my house later?” Does she sound confused or relieved?
I shake my head. “I think I just want to go home tonight.” And a cold heaviness fills the pit of my stomach. I’m not even really sure why I said this, I don’t want to go to my house at all. And besides, I think of Amanda’s house as home more than I do my own. But it’s too late now because Amanda is saying, “Okay then,” and, “Well, I guess I’ll just talk to you later then.” And she’s kissing Brad on the cheek and walking out the door.
I stand there and I watch her go.
I feel a tightening in my chest, so intense I gasp. I missNina all the time, but it is in moments like these, when I feel like I am totally alone in this world, that I miss her the most.
“Ellie?” Brad says again. I just nod, still staring at the door and then I squeeze my eyes shut and will Nina to materialize. It is dangerous and childish, I know, to let myself wish like this, to pour my whole self into wanting something that I can’t have that I don’t even know how to go about trying to get. But I can’t stop. I keep my eyes closed and I hold my breath as a tear works its way down my cheek. And I just stay like that, wishing, wishing, wishing, until I hear Brad making a high-pitched beeping noise. I open my eyes.
“I don’t mean to interrupt your unhappiness, Ellie, or seem like I’m not taking it seriously, but my hot-guy-who-could-be-Ellie’s-next-boyfriend-dar”—Brad motions with his chin toward the door where a guy has just walked in—“has just gone off like cah-razy ! Beep-beep-beeeeep. ”
I shake my head. It’s sweet of Brad to try to distract me, but
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