Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin Page A

Some partners get very excited, while others become slow, sleepy, or even collapse. Whichever posture they take, partners at war say and do things that are decidedly unfriendly. Each time they fight, they tend to recycle the same complaints, the same examples, the same theories, and the same solutions. Of course, their battles can expand, as well—to include other people (“Even so-and-so says you’re self-centered”); other moments in history (“You did the same thing when we first went out”); and other topics (“When you do that, it drives me nuts, too”). Couples often spend inordinate amounts of time debating facts and struggling to reconstruct and sequence stressful relationship events, leaving them no time or resources to sort out the real reason for their conflict. In chapter 9, we will look at how you can escape from old patterns of fighting.
    For now, let’s return to where we left Franklin and Leia, and see what all-out war looks like for them.
    Leia takes a deep breath and launches into the dreaded topic: “Remember Valentine’s Day, when you got upset with me about bringing up marriage?”
    “What?” says Franklin sharply. “You’re mixing that up with the scene at my mom’s, days before. I said I was tired of everyone pressuring me about a proposal.”
    “No, I’m talking about Valentine’s,” Leia counters. “I asked you to give me some idea if you’re ever going to…”
    “Here we go again,” Franklin groans. “Why do you always distort everything? I said I love you and want to marry you. I said I’ll ask you. And I will… Oh, just forget it!”
    “Don’t tell me to forget it!” shouts Leia. “You didn’t say anything of the kind. You just told me to shut up. And I’m not distorting anything! You ignored me that whole night.”
    “That’s not true!” screams Franklin as he swerves to avoid a car stopped ahead.
    “Watch out!” yells Leia, bracing herself against the dashboard. “You’re going to kill us!”
    “Don’t say I was ignoring you,” says Franklin, trying to appear calm. “You always do this! You can’t say I ignored you and also say you loved how affectionate I was.”
    “When did I say that?” Leia shoots back.
    “You said it that night.”
    “No, I didn’t. You’re always accusing me of doing something I didn’t do.”
    “I can’t believe this!” Franklin grips the steering wheel so tightly his hands shake.
    Leia sits in silence, jaw set, arms folded. Then she says icily, “Just take me home.”
    Franklin violently spins the car around. “Ya’ got it!” he hisses. “Just what ya’ wanted.”
    Not every couple at war is as dramatic as Franklin and Leia. War isn’t necessarily a matter of volume, harsh words, and violent movements. Partners at war can engage or disengage, loudly or quietly, rudely or politely. What determines war is the partners’ experience of threat and the degree to which their primitives are in control.
    THE AFTERMATH
    Fighting can be very stressful for couples, no matter how long or short their relationship may be. Often the primitives remain in charge of one or both partners for a while, after the obvious battle is over.
    The day after their argument, Leia wants to talk to Franklin, to try to clear the air. Her ambassadors are ready to assert themselves. However, Franklin doesn’t phone or stop by after work. She has learned that whenever they fight, he withdraws for several days. He goes home to his apartment after work and lounges around with the lights down low and his phone turned off, watching television until the wee hours. Leia doesn’t know how to reach out to him, and she feels abandoned. After a few days, he will pop out of his depression and phone her again.
    The primitive dictating Franklin’s response is the so-called dumb vagus. In scientific parlance, it is known as the dorsal motor vagal complex , but scientists sometimes refer to it as the dumb vagus because it isn’t discerning or subtle in its