Day, they get into a fight.
After a long period of listening to music, Leia, on the passenger side, suddenly shuts off the stereo. “Can we talk?” she asks, looking ahead.
Franklin’s body stiffens as he utters, “Sure.” His amygdalae have picked up the tone in her voice and the events that just occurred: the silence, the turning off of music, the question “Can we talk?” His amygdalae have grabbed onto all this in a manner not available to Franklin’s full awareness, and his body prepares for something vaguely warlike.
Moments before, Leia had been contentedly listening to a song with the words “Goin’ to the chapel….” The image captured her amygdalae, and she suddenly felt disturbed for no apparent reason. Her attention drifted to the previous week, when she had expected a Valentine’s Day proposal. Almost before she knew what was happening, the question escaped her lips. She froze with fear, anticipating Franklin’s reaction to her bringing up the dreaded subject…again. Now, even though she avoids looking at him, her amygdalae have registered the slightest hint of exhalation in the pause before his response, “Sure.” Her body remembers, recognizes, and anticipates war. Although she may know it would be reasonable to check for errors in her perception, that isn’t foremost in her attention.
STAGE 2: READY THE TROOPS!
When the amygdalae have sounded an alarm, the next primitive in the chain of command jumps to attention: the hypothalamus . The hypothalamus is the main primitive responsible for getting our minds and bodies ready for action; it directs the pituitary and adrenal glands to release chemicals necessary for action. These glands are messengers and foot soldiers under the direct command of the hypothalamus.
Together, these primitives form the bulk of our stress response system, releasing substances—such as the acute-stress response hormones adrenaline and cortisol —into our bloodstream. The fast-acting adrenaline amps us up and gets us ready to fight or flee, while the slower-acting cortisol helps us adapt to stress by reducing inflammation and damage in our body. The continual balancing act between these chemicals feeds messages back to the hypothalamus: should we continue to fight, or is it time to withdraw the troops?
As soon as the alarm for war has been sounded, the hypothalamus gives us three options: we can fight, flee, or momentarily freeze while we decide whether to fight or flee. One way or the other, the call is made: “Ready the troops!” Just as the amygdalae sent out an alarm without questioning the accuracy of information, the hypothalamus responds to the amygdalae without questions. Again, the assumption is made that the ambassadors will come along later and clean up, as needed.
In our example of Franklin and Leia, their hypothalami gave marching orders almost simultaneously with the sounding of the first threat alarm. We can see the evidence just by looking at the couple: Franklin’s muscles stiffened, preparing for a fight. Leia’s body froze in fear, unsure whether she could stomach another fight (although if their past battles are any indication, she’s unlikely to flee). Both their lips began to smack, activating saliva and digestive juices. Their pupils dilated, and their faces reddened with increasing blood flow. Energy and alertness increased in both partners as each readied for war.
STAGE 3: ALL-OUT WAR!
At this stage, the primitives have the run of the place. The ambassador who was supposed to be busy in the background checking for errors has shut down—or worse, become overwhelmed by the urgency of the primitives. Often the relatively slow ambassadors are beaten to the scene by the fast-moving, chaos-producing primitives. So, for the couple, it’s all-out war, and there will be no clarity until the fog has cleared. Then they’ll have a chance to gather the dead and count their losses.
Couples at war have certain tell-tale behavioral signs.
After a long period of listening to music, Leia, on the passenger side, suddenly shuts off the stereo. “Can we talk?” she asks, looking ahead.
Franklin’s body stiffens as he utters, “Sure.” His amygdalae have picked up the tone in her voice and the events that just occurred: the silence, the turning off of music, the question “Can we talk?” His amygdalae have grabbed onto all this in a manner not available to Franklin’s full awareness, and his body prepares for something vaguely warlike.
Moments before, Leia had been contentedly listening to a song with the words “Goin’ to the chapel….” The image captured her amygdalae, and she suddenly felt disturbed for no apparent reason. Her attention drifted to the previous week, when she had expected a Valentine’s Day proposal. Almost before she knew what was happening, the question escaped her lips. She froze with fear, anticipating Franklin’s reaction to her bringing up the dreaded subject…again. Now, even though she avoids looking at him, her amygdalae have registered the slightest hint of exhalation in the pause before his response, “Sure.” Her body remembers, recognizes, and anticipates war. Although she may know it would be reasonable to check for errors in her perception, that isn’t foremost in her attention.
STAGE 2: READY THE TROOPS!
When the amygdalae have sounded an alarm, the next primitive in the chain of command jumps to attention: the hypothalamus . The hypothalamus is the main primitive responsible for getting our minds and bodies ready for action; it directs the pituitary and adrenal glands to release chemicals necessary for action. These glands are messengers and foot soldiers under the direct command of the hypothalamus.
Together, these primitives form the bulk of our stress response system, releasing substances—such as the acute-stress response hormones adrenaline and cortisol —into our bloodstream. The fast-acting adrenaline amps us up and gets us ready to fight or flee, while the slower-acting cortisol helps us adapt to stress by reducing inflammation and damage in our body. The continual balancing act between these chemicals feeds messages back to the hypothalamus: should we continue to fight, or is it time to withdraw the troops?
As soon as the alarm for war has been sounded, the hypothalamus gives us three options: we can fight, flee, or momentarily freeze while we decide whether to fight or flee. One way or the other, the call is made: “Ready the troops!” Just as the amygdalae sent out an alarm without questioning the accuracy of information, the hypothalamus responds to the amygdalae without questions. Again, the assumption is made that the ambassadors will come along later and clean up, as needed.
In our example of Franklin and Leia, their hypothalami gave marching orders almost simultaneously with the sounding of the first threat alarm. We can see the evidence just by looking at the couple: Franklin’s muscles stiffened, preparing for a fight. Leia’s body froze in fear, unsure whether she could stomach another fight (although if their past battles are any indication, she’s unlikely to flee). Both their lips began to smack, activating saliva and digestive juices. Their pupils dilated, and their faces reddened with increasing blood flow. Energy and alertness increased in both partners as each readied for war.
STAGE 3: ALL-OUT WAR!
At this stage, the primitives have the run of the place. The ambassador who was supposed to be busy in the background checking for errors has shut down—or worse, become overwhelmed by the urgency of the primitives. Often the relatively slow ambassadors are beaten to the scene by the fast-moving, chaos-producing primitives. So, for the couple, it’s all-out war, and there will be no clarity until the fog has cleared. Then they’ll have a chance to gather the dead and count their losses.
Couples at war have certain tell-tale behavioral signs.
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