response to threat. If we get cut, stabbed, or otherwise physically wounded, the dumb vagus protects us by lowering our heart rate and blood pressure and signaling the hypothalamus to dump pain relievers (beta endorphins, our natural opiates) into our bloodstream. When you have blood drawn, do you become queasy or light-headed? If so, that’s your dumb vagus protecting you from bleeding out. Of course, you aren’t in any danger, but that overreaction is why the dumb vagus is called dumb. It also comes in handy if we are about to be eaten by a lion and can’t fight or run away.
In addition to physical injury, the dumb vagus can be triggered by emotional injury and threat. It likewise responds by shutting down. Blood leaves our face, our muscles lose their tone, our ears ring, and our stomach hurts. We slump, drop, collapse, and sometimes even faint. Gone is our sense of humor, our perspective, and our life energy. We descend into a valley of darkness, where it seems no one, not even we ourselves, can hurt us. This is what happens to Franklin following a fight with Leia. High on his body’s natural opiates, his depressed body and brain go into an energy-conserved state, and stay there until his ambassadors finally pull him out.
Exercise: Discover Your Primitives
When you become aware of the role of the primitives, you gain valuable insight into your relationship. You are actually putting neurobiology to practical use.
Here is what I suggest you try the next time you and your partner find yourselves discussing a hot issue and going a bit wild.
Make sure you are sitting or standing across from each other so you can observe both yourself and your partner closely.
See if you recognize any of the stages I just described. For example, is there evidence of a red alert? Are the troops amassing yet?
At some point, you may want to reread the description of the stages so you have a good sense of the specific signs for each stage. For example, these may include flushing of the skin, narrowing of the eyes, dilating of the pupils, raising of the voice, and verbal expressions of threat and anger. To an extent, these signs are universal; however, I’m sure you will find ones that are unique to you and your partner.
Consult table 2.1 to identify which of the primitives you have caught in action.
Later (when things have cooled down), talk with your partner about each other’s primitives. If you feel a need to lighten things up, you can name your primitives. For example, I like to think of the amygdalae as the threat detectors and the hypothalamus as the drill sergeant. Go ahead and pick your own names. You and your partner can call your respective amygdalae Fred and Ginger if that suits you.
The Ambassadors
The ambassadors are the rational, social, and very civilized part of our brain. It’s not that they’re disinterested in self-survival; they’re on the same page as the primitives when it comes to survival. As we already noted, whenever a threat is detected, they’re the ones tasked with checking and rechecking all relevant information for accuracy. Nevertheless, given their druthers, our ambassadors would just as soon use their intelligence to sustain peace and foster social harmony and lasting relationships. By nature, they are calm, cool, and collected, and like to weigh options and plan for the future. They favor complexity and novelty, and they learn quickly.
If not for our ambassadors, we would be friendless, alone, and possibly even in prison. They allow us to be in relationships for the purpose of more than simply procreation and survival of the species. Like real ambassadors, they represent us in the world. With appropriate and skillful diplomacy, they calm fears and cool tempers, either within us or within others.
Now, I don’t mean to imply that ambassadors are always better or more valuable than primitives. They’re not. In some cases (as we will see in the next chapter), they can be quite obnoxious, especially
In addition to physical injury, the dumb vagus can be triggered by emotional injury and threat. It likewise responds by shutting down. Blood leaves our face, our muscles lose their tone, our ears ring, and our stomach hurts. We slump, drop, collapse, and sometimes even faint. Gone is our sense of humor, our perspective, and our life energy. We descend into a valley of darkness, where it seems no one, not even we ourselves, can hurt us. This is what happens to Franklin following a fight with Leia. High on his body’s natural opiates, his depressed body and brain go into an energy-conserved state, and stay there until his ambassadors finally pull him out.
Exercise: Discover Your Primitives
When you become aware of the role of the primitives, you gain valuable insight into your relationship. You are actually putting neurobiology to practical use.
Here is what I suggest you try the next time you and your partner find yourselves discussing a hot issue and going a bit wild.
Make sure you are sitting or standing across from each other so you can observe both yourself and your partner closely.
See if you recognize any of the stages I just described. For example, is there evidence of a red alert? Are the troops amassing yet?
At some point, you may want to reread the description of the stages so you have a good sense of the specific signs for each stage. For example, these may include flushing of the skin, narrowing of the eyes, dilating of the pupils, raising of the voice, and verbal expressions of threat and anger. To an extent, these signs are universal; however, I’m sure you will find ones that are unique to you and your partner.
Consult table 2.1 to identify which of the primitives you have caught in action.
Later (when things have cooled down), talk with your partner about each other’s primitives. If you feel a need to lighten things up, you can name your primitives. For example, I like to think of the amygdalae as the threat detectors and the hypothalamus as the drill sergeant. Go ahead and pick your own names. You and your partner can call your respective amygdalae Fred and Ginger if that suits you.
The Ambassadors
The ambassadors are the rational, social, and very civilized part of our brain. It’s not that they’re disinterested in self-survival; they’re on the same page as the primitives when it comes to survival. As we already noted, whenever a threat is detected, they’re the ones tasked with checking and rechecking all relevant information for accuracy. Nevertheless, given their druthers, our ambassadors would just as soon use their intelligence to sustain peace and foster social harmony and lasting relationships. By nature, they are calm, cool, and collected, and like to weigh options and plan for the future. They favor complexity and novelty, and they learn quickly.
If not for our ambassadors, we would be friendless, alone, and possibly even in prison. They allow us to be in relationships for the purpose of more than simply procreation and survival of the species. Like real ambassadors, they represent us in the world. With appropriate and skillful diplomacy, they calm fears and cool tempers, either within us or within others.
Now, I don’t mean to imply that ambassadors are always better or more valuable than primitives. They’re not. In some cases (as we will see in the next chapter), they can be quite obnoxious, especially
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