attention then." His chest swelled thinking about his mixing and he began to run faster without realizing it.
Scott kept up easily, matching Derek stride for stride. After a while he turned his head and looked at Derek with interest.
Derek was still lost in thought, so when he turned and saw Scott looking at him, it caught him off guard. "What is it?"
"Nothing really," Scott said, "Just, you said you don't like to draw attention to yourself. Why is that?"
Derek was glad that they were running because he was sure that if he had been rested the rush of red that flowed into his cheeks would have been obvious. It wasn't like him to just say revealing things about himself, especially things like that. "Uh, well, I don't really know exactly. I've always kind of been like that. Having a friend like Beck sort of necessitates having a back-seat personality. But more than that, I've noticed that kids who try to be popular end up abusing their popularity or alienating themselves. I figure that as long as I am doing things I like to do and I'm doing them with people I like, that's good enough for me." It was a decent response, and the truth. What surprised Derek was how enjoyable it felt 54
Wrestling With Desire
by D.H. Starr
to talk so freely with Scott. He had known him for less than a day, yet telling him about the things that mattered most to him, about his thoughts and feelings, seemed natural and easy. "It's helped to prevent me from becoming the center of the gossip mill at school. Does that make any sense?"
"It makes perfect sense. You have to know yourself pretty well to be confident enough to actively try not to be noticed."
The way Scott said it, the clear admiration and respect in his voice, sent a shiver up Derek's spine. The pride he had identified earlier surged up and filled him to the point of bursting. It was a fleeting sensation and was quickly replaced by another feeling he had experienced earlier. Guilt. He felt like he was lying.
Derek knew that he wasn't nearly as comfortable with himself as Scott seemed to think. Only Beck knew the real reason he kept his personal life personal. With Scott sharing such personal information, Derek felt even worse knowing that he was keeping things to himself. He started pumping his arms faster and picked up the pace. Scott kept up, but they both ran in silence, focusing on finishing the run and their breathing.
Derek felt like scrubbing his brain with soap, cleansing it of the thoughts rushing at him all at once. His gut was telling him to be honest with Scott, to just tell him that he was gay and see how he reacted. His head was telling him to keep doing what he always did, which was to keep a low profile.
Keep the secret at all costs. His heart was telling him that he couldn't keep the secret for much longer. He was ready to find someone to share something more with. More than what 55
Wrestling With Desire
by D.H. Starr
he was able to share with Beck. He loved her, but it wasn't the kind of love he dreamed about at night. It wasn't in-love love.
As they reached the final bridge of their run, Derek picked up the pace even more. With each step, tension drained out of him. His focus narrowed to only his body and his breathing.
This was why he loved running. Not just to get in shape, but to clear his head. To calm his typically overactive mind.
Running just short of a sprint for the last few hundred yards, they both collapsed on the grass by the bridge across the street from their school.
Gasping to take air into his lungs, Derek stared up at the sky. Once he had caught his breath and his heart stopped racing, he sat up and started stretching his tired and burning leg muscles. Scott did the same. They were facing each other as they stretched and looked up at the same time. Derek first noticed the pulsing of Scott's heartbeat along the length of his now dripping neck. Watching Scott's neck thrum sent Derek's blood rapidly rushing south. There was something
Scott kept up easily, matching Derek stride for stride. After a while he turned his head and looked at Derek with interest.
Derek was still lost in thought, so when he turned and saw Scott looking at him, it caught him off guard. "What is it?"
"Nothing really," Scott said, "Just, you said you don't like to draw attention to yourself. Why is that?"
Derek was glad that they were running because he was sure that if he had been rested the rush of red that flowed into his cheeks would have been obvious. It wasn't like him to just say revealing things about himself, especially things like that. "Uh, well, I don't really know exactly. I've always kind of been like that. Having a friend like Beck sort of necessitates having a back-seat personality. But more than that, I've noticed that kids who try to be popular end up abusing their popularity or alienating themselves. I figure that as long as I am doing things I like to do and I'm doing them with people I like, that's good enough for me." It was a decent response, and the truth. What surprised Derek was how enjoyable it felt 54
Wrestling With Desire
by D.H. Starr
to talk so freely with Scott. He had known him for less than a day, yet telling him about the things that mattered most to him, about his thoughts and feelings, seemed natural and easy. "It's helped to prevent me from becoming the center of the gossip mill at school. Does that make any sense?"
"It makes perfect sense. You have to know yourself pretty well to be confident enough to actively try not to be noticed."
The way Scott said it, the clear admiration and respect in his voice, sent a shiver up Derek's spine. The pride he had identified earlier surged up and filled him to the point of bursting. It was a fleeting sensation and was quickly replaced by another feeling he had experienced earlier. Guilt. He felt like he was lying.
Derek knew that he wasn't nearly as comfortable with himself as Scott seemed to think. Only Beck knew the real reason he kept his personal life personal. With Scott sharing such personal information, Derek felt even worse knowing that he was keeping things to himself. He started pumping his arms faster and picked up the pace. Scott kept up, but they both ran in silence, focusing on finishing the run and their breathing.
Derek felt like scrubbing his brain with soap, cleansing it of the thoughts rushing at him all at once. His gut was telling him to be honest with Scott, to just tell him that he was gay and see how he reacted. His head was telling him to keep doing what he always did, which was to keep a low profile.
Keep the secret at all costs. His heart was telling him that he couldn't keep the secret for much longer. He was ready to find someone to share something more with. More than what 55
Wrestling With Desire
by D.H. Starr
he was able to share with Beck. He loved her, but it wasn't the kind of love he dreamed about at night. It wasn't in-love love.
As they reached the final bridge of their run, Derek picked up the pace even more. With each step, tension drained out of him. His focus narrowed to only his body and his breathing.
This was why he loved running. Not just to get in shape, but to clear his head. To calm his typically overactive mind.
Running just short of a sprint for the last few hundred yards, they both collapsed on the grass by the bridge across the street from their school.
Gasping to take air into his lungs, Derek stared up at the sky. Once he had caught his breath and his heart stopped racing, he sat up and started stretching his tired and burning leg muscles. Scott did the same. They were facing each other as they stretched and looked up at the same time. Derek first noticed the pulsing of Scott's heartbeat along the length of his now dripping neck. Watching Scott's neck thrum sent Derek's blood rapidly rushing south. There was something
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