you. It’s
something that changed your life and words can’t even begin to describe the
pain you felt, the suffering it caused you. You lost something that you loved
very much, you lost your baby and you’re never going to forget that. What you
need to realise is that it’s ok to remember, it’s ok to still feel sad about
it.”
“Do
I even have the right to feel that way?” I say tearfully.
“Of
course you do. Sam, I remember how you were and I remember the agonising
decision you had to make. You were unwell, you made yourself sick because of
it.”
“You
never think it’s going to happen to you. An abortion is not something you
visualise as a little girl, it’s not something you ever envision for yourself.
It’s something you assume happens to other people, strangers who you don’t know
and will never meet.”
“Sweetheart,
I know. You don’t ever need to explain yourself to me. You tortured yourself
before and after you reached your decision. It’s time to stop punishing
yourself. You’ve suffered enough and you deserve happiness more than anyone I
know.”
By
this time my eyes are brimming with unshed tears. I long to break down and cry
but we’re still in a public place and I know I must keep it together until I
can be alone.
“I’m
not punishing myself, I guess I’m just sad. My heart is still broken when I
think about that baby.”
“It’s
ok for you to feel that way. It’s perfectly understandable for you to be sad, all
I ask is that you don’t let it overshadow any possibility you may have of
finding happiness.”
There’s
so much compassion in her voice, I don’t know whether to thank her or weep with
gratitude.
After
we’ve paid for our lunch, I reach behind me for my jacket hanging off the back
of my chair. I’ve enjoyed my time with my older sister but I’m ready to go
home, run a hot bath and curl up with a good book for the rest of the day.
“Not
so fast! Have you not noticed the weather out there?” Rachel points towards the
window behind me and I notice the heavy rain pelting down.
“I’ve
got an umbrella, we’ll be ok if we make a run for it.”
“I’m
not going out in that. I’ll phone Zack, he can come and pick us up.” She says,
reaching into her handbag for her phone.
“I
thought he was spending the day catching up with his old friends?” I remind her
anxiously.
“He
is but he’s not too far away from town. He’s playing snooker in a bar just a
couple miles away.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what else to say, I know can’t protest too much or Rachel’s going
to get suspicious.
“Zack,
it’s me. Listen, would it be ok for you to come and pick up me and Samantha?
It’s pouring down with rain and we’re going to get soaked if we go out in this
now. We can phone a taxi if you’re still busy with your friends but I just
thought I’d check with you first.” She asks him, her whole face lighting up at
the sound of his voice. I listen intently, straining to hear his voice on the
other end of the phone but hear nothing.
“I’m
sorry, I didn’t get chance to ask you if everything was alright with your
meal?” A pleasant looking waitress enquires, approaching me with a friendly
expression on her face.
“It
was lovely, thank you.” I smile at her in appreciation and watch her walk away.
By the time I switch my attention back to Rachel, she’s finishing up with her
phone call.
“Ok,
see you soon. Thanks, baby.” She coos affectionately, twirling a strand of hair
between her fingers.
Ugh,
he’s obviously agreed to pick us up and I hate myself for the fluttering in my
stomach. Knowing that I’ll be seeing my sister’s fiancé should not give me
butterflies. I shouldn’t be feeling anything. I desperately need to get the
thought of him out of my head… somehow.
We
only wait a few minutes for Zack to arrive and he sends Rachel a text to let
her know he’s outside. We make a sprint over to his car, frantic to get out of
the rain.
something that changed your life and words can’t even begin to describe the
pain you felt, the suffering it caused you. You lost something that you loved
very much, you lost your baby and you’re never going to forget that. What you
need to realise is that it’s ok to remember, it’s ok to still feel sad about
it.”
“Do
I even have the right to feel that way?” I say tearfully.
“Of
course you do. Sam, I remember how you were and I remember the agonising
decision you had to make. You were unwell, you made yourself sick because of
it.”
“You
never think it’s going to happen to you. An abortion is not something you
visualise as a little girl, it’s not something you ever envision for yourself.
It’s something you assume happens to other people, strangers who you don’t know
and will never meet.”
“Sweetheart,
I know. You don’t ever need to explain yourself to me. You tortured yourself
before and after you reached your decision. It’s time to stop punishing
yourself. You’ve suffered enough and you deserve happiness more than anyone I
know.”
By
this time my eyes are brimming with unshed tears. I long to break down and cry
but we’re still in a public place and I know I must keep it together until I
can be alone.
“I’m
not punishing myself, I guess I’m just sad. My heart is still broken when I
think about that baby.”
“It’s
ok for you to feel that way. It’s perfectly understandable for you to be sad, all
I ask is that you don’t let it overshadow any possibility you may have of
finding happiness.”
There’s
so much compassion in her voice, I don’t know whether to thank her or weep with
gratitude.
After
we’ve paid for our lunch, I reach behind me for my jacket hanging off the back
of my chair. I’ve enjoyed my time with my older sister but I’m ready to go
home, run a hot bath and curl up with a good book for the rest of the day.
“Not
so fast! Have you not noticed the weather out there?” Rachel points towards the
window behind me and I notice the heavy rain pelting down.
“I’ve
got an umbrella, we’ll be ok if we make a run for it.”
“I’m
not going out in that. I’ll phone Zack, he can come and pick us up.” She says,
reaching into her handbag for her phone.
“I
thought he was spending the day catching up with his old friends?” I remind her
anxiously.
“He
is but he’s not too far away from town. He’s playing snooker in a bar just a
couple miles away.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what else to say, I know can’t protest too much or Rachel’s going
to get suspicious.
“Zack,
it’s me. Listen, would it be ok for you to come and pick up me and Samantha?
It’s pouring down with rain and we’re going to get soaked if we go out in this
now. We can phone a taxi if you’re still busy with your friends but I just
thought I’d check with you first.” She asks him, her whole face lighting up at
the sound of his voice. I listen intently, straining to hear his voice on the
other end of the phone but hear nothing.
“I’m
sorry, I didn’t get chance to ask you if everything was alright with your
meal?” A pleasant looking waitress enquires, approaching me with a friendly
expression on her face.
“It
was lovely, thank you.” I smile at her in appreciation and watch her walk away.
By the time I switch my attention back to Rachel, she’s finishing up with her
phone call.
“Ok,
see you soon. Thanks, baby.” She coos affectionately, twirling a strand of hair
between her fingers.
Ugh,
he’s obviously agreed to pick us up and I hate myself for the fluttering in my
stomach. Knowing that I’ll be seeing my sister’s fiancé should not give me
butterflies. I shouldn’t be feeling anything. I desperately need to get the
thought of him out of my head… somehow.
We
only wait a few minutes for Zack to arrive and he sends Rachel a text to let
her know he’s outside. We make a sprint over to his car, frantic to get out of
the rain.
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