You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Page A
Authors: The Believer
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Eddie:
I know what you’re feeling. I date a Jewish girl with a Hitler mustache and I’ve never said anything to her. I even bought a biography of Frida Kahlo and pretended to read it while my girlfriend looked on. I just shook my head and muttered, “Can you believe this woman?” It went right over my girlfriend’s mustached head. Now, I’m not normally one to recommend roofies, but sometimes they can help. Do I need to say anything else?
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I live in a medium-to-small one-and-a-half-bedroom apartment and have the unfortunate habit of flea-market-find collecting. I am especially drawn to vintage celebrity dolls and action figures as well as ’60s barware. While my apartment is not yet to the point of being overstuffed, it is threatening to happen any minute. Do you have any suggestions for displaying my finds comfortably in my limited space?
Darwin Bell
San Francisco, CA
Dear Darwin:
I, too, live in a small place that at least has high ceilings—or they may be low floors; it’s hard to say. My place is overflowing with Malcolm-Jamal Warner memorabilia, so I know what you’re going through. If you’re living with someone, maybe you could kick them out to make room for your stuff. After I moved my grandparents into mini-storage, I was able to move around more freely.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
My high school French teacher once told our class that French people hate root beer because “it tastes of medicine.” Additionally, an Indian friend of mine claims that Indians despise most cheeses, especially ricotta cheese, “because of the texture.” I enjoy cooking international dishes for my international friends, but now I’m worried I might inadvertently make someone gag. Are there other “Food Prejudices from Around the World” I should know about?
Tiffany Lee-Youngren
San Diego, CA
Dear Tiffany:
During my worldly travels, I have experienced a couple of cultures with mysterious food turnoffs. For one, I know that many Hindus will not eat pizza with buffalo wings as a topping. I also know of a town in Wales where it’s illegal to eat a foot-long hot dog because of the fear that someone might say, “I would like to have a foot-long inside me right now.”
Zach
Janeane Garofalo
Dear Janeane:
My boyfriend hasn’t had a job in three years. But he’s a pretty boy, very easy on the eyes. Is it worth keeping him around anyway, like a lamp that’s long since stopped working but you don’t throw away because it goes with the furniture?
Susan M .
Richmond, VA
Dear Susan:
The lamp provides you with a convenient place to hang damp laundry. The boy without a job does not. The lamp complements your home’s decor. The lad on the dole does not. If you are able to fuck the lamp, then you must donate the boy to the Salvation Army. Get a receipt for tax purposes.
Janeane
…
Dear Janeane:
I’m thinking about getting a tattoo, but I want something that isn’t quite such an urban hipster cliché. Maybe something literary? Is having a paragraph from Atlas Shrugged tattooed on my back cool and unique, or just pretentious? I’m not sure .
Julia Rockson
Atlanta, GA
Dear Julia:
It is only “cool” if you allow room for an additional tattoo that decries the cynical bastardization of Ayn Rand’s philosophy of rational self-interest by the conservative think-tank movement.
Janeane
…
Dear Janeane:
I know there’s a difference between stalking and being romantically attentive, but I can’t figure out what it is. Please advise .
Regards ,
Paul
St. Louis, MO
Dear Paul:
It all depends on how good-looking you are. “Stalkers” tend to be similar in appearance to people who saw Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times. “Romantically attentive” describes people who don’t look like they’ve seen Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times.
Janeane
…
Dear Janeane:
My hair is starting to go gray, but I can’t tell if it makes me look distinguished or like one of those hippie
I know what you’re feeling. I date a Jewish girl with a Hitler mustache and I’ve never said anything to her. I even bought a biography of Frida Kahlo and pretended to read it while my girlfriend looked on. I just shook my head and muttered, “Can you believe this woman?” It went right over my girlfriend’s mustached head. Now, I’m not normally one to recommend roofies, but sometimes they can help. Do I need to say anything else?
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I live in a medium-to-small one-and-a-half-bedroom apartment and have the unfortunate habit of flea-market-find collecting. I am especially drawn to vintage celebrity dolls and action figures as well as ’60s barware. While my apartment is not yet to the point of being overstuffed, it is threatening to happen any minute. Do you have any suggestions for displaying my finds comfortably in my limited space?
Darwin Bell
San Francisco, CA
Dear Darwin:
I, too, live in a small place that at least has high ceilings—or they may be low floors; it’s hard to say. My place is overflowing with Malcolm-Jamal Warner memorabilia, so I know what you’re going through. If you’re living with someone, maybe you could kick them out to make room for your stuff. After I moved my grandparents into mini-storage, I was able to move around more freely.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
My high school French teacher once told our class that French people hate root beer because “it tastes of medicine.” Additionally, an Indian friend of mine claims that Indians despise most cheeses, especially ricotta cheese, “because of the texture.” I enjoy cooking international dishes for my international friends, but now I’m worried I might inadvertently make someone gag. Are there other “Food Prejudices from Around the World” I should know about?
Tiffany Lee-Youngren
San Diego, CA
Dear Tiffany:
During my worldly travels, I have experienced a couple of cultures with mysterious food turnoffs. For one, I know that many Hindus will not eat pizza with buffalo wings as a topping. I also know of a town in Wales where it’s illegal to eat a foot-long hot dog because of the fear that someone might say, “I would like to have a foot-long inside me right now.”
Zach
Janeane Garofalo
Dear Janeane:
My boyfriend hasn’t had a job in three years. But he’s a pretty boy, very easy on the eyes. Is it worth keeping him around anyway, like a lamp that’s long since stopped working but you don’t throw away because it goes with the furniture?
Susan M .
Richmond, VA
Dear Susan:
The lamp provides you with a convenient place to hang damp laundry. The boy without a job does not. The lamp complements your home’s decor. The lad on the dole does not. If you are able to fuck the lamp, then you must donate the boy to the Salvation Army. Get a receipt for tax purposes.
Janeane
…
Dear Janeane:
I’m thinking about getting a tattoo, but I want something that isn’t quite such an urban hipster cliché. Maybe something literary? Is having a paragraph from Atlas Shrugged tattooed on my back cool and unique, or just pretentious? I’m not sure .
Julia Rockson
Atlanta, GA
Dear Julia:
It is only “cool” if you allow room for an additional tattoo that decries the cynical bastardization of Ayn Rand’s philosophy of rational self-interest by the conservative think-tank movement.
Janeane
…
Dear Janeane:
I know there’s a difference between stalking and being romantically attentive, but I can’t figure out what it is. Please advise .
Regards ,
Paul
St. Louis, MO
Dear Paul:
It all depends on how good-looking you are. “Stalkers” tend to be similar in appearance to people who saw Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times. “Romantically attentive” describes people who don’t look like they’ve seen Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times.
Janeane
…
Dear Janeane:
My hair is starting to go gray, but I can’t tell if it makes me look distinguished or like one of those hippie
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