You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer
Authors: The Believer
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longer want to hang out since I’ve stopped drinking all the time. I’m boring! What can I do to quash this, and is this a normal rite of passage?
Jenny Skytta
Seattle, WA
Dear Jenny:
After long thought and looking up the word “impetuously,” I have come to my answer. Dorothy Parker once said, “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” I think it is time to be curious about drinking again.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
A friend recently gave me a twice-used Weber grill for my birthday. The instructions are fairly clear that it is only to be used outdoors. I never leave the house, however, because my neighbors are all government spies. Is there a way that I can enjoy the delicious taste of charcoal-grilled meat within the confines of my sanctum?
Brooke James Saucier
Evanston, IL
Dear Brooke:
So the government is hassling you, huh? Not surprising. I get followed all the time because I wrote a memo to my assistant saying that I used to date Dakota Fanning, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives thinks it’s their business. Anyway, as for your question, grilling inside is dangerous but rewarding. I usually grill in the bathroom, since it’s the only room with a built-in fan. Sitting on the toilet while checking the progress of your wiener is a Fourth of July tradition in the Galifianakis home.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
Why do stalkers usually chase people into abandoned amusement parks?
Craig Baird
Memphis, TN
Dear Craig:
I think they’re just following federal law. “Those wishing to stalk or harass a fellow citizen by trailing them must eventually end up in an abandoned amusement park, a burned-out Taco Bell, or a docked retired naval battleship” (Sec. 18 U.S.C. 875c). Some states require stalkers to have a limp. In New Hampshire, you can’t stalk anyone unless your name is Marcus.
Good luck.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I’ve been out of rehab for a while, and I’ve successfully replaced my drug addiction with a gambling addiction, but I’m still having trouble feeling at ease in society without the use of narcotics. Any suggestions?
Lorelei Leslie
Santa Monica, CA
Dear Lorelei:
The transition from rehab to the normal world is a tough one. I spent some time in rehab for my addiction to homemade Ecstasy—made from Tide with Bleach and some old Altoids. Somersaults in the park while singing any Spin Doctors song are also useful.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I am in the unfortunate position of having a receding hairline, but only on the right side of my head, giving me a half widow’s peak. My wife says it makes me look unique, but I have become quite anxious about it. Should I shave the other side to match? Shave it all off? Wear a selection of hats?
Tim Matthews
London, England
Dear Tim:
I would definitely go with the hat. May I suggest a ski mask? Or a fez? Or both.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I have a job that leaves me passionless and empty. It stimulates neither mind nor soul. How can I successfully draw on my creative juices to do something meaningful?
Best ,
Charles
Address withheld
Dear Charles:
Are you an accountant at a cardboard box factory? Boredom is a killer. There are so many things you can do to kick-start a satisfying life. I will give you a few suggestions to get the juices flowing:
1) Start reading Teen People .
2) Rent a stretch Hummer to go see Noam Chomsky speak.
3) Model your life after the movie Sideways , but instead of wine make your passion Mountain Dew.
4) Ask a state trooper where the closest gay bar is.
5) Have a Super Bowl party with no television.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
My girlfriend and I have been together for about two months. The relationship is still new, but I think we’re going to be together for a while. Some days she has a mustache, though. It’s light and wispy and makes me want to die. Is there any subtle, safe way to alert her to her own facial hair and make her get rid of the mustache?
Eddie Turner
Atlanta, GA
Dear
Jenny Skytta
Seattle, WA
Dear Jenny:
After long thought and looking up the word “impetuously,” I have come to my answer. Dorothy Parker once said, “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” I think it is time to be curious about drinking again.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
A friend recently gave me a twice-used Weber grill for my birthday. The instructions are fairly clear that it is only to be used outdoors. I never leave the house, however, because my neighbors are all government spies. Is there a way that I can enjoy the delicious taste of charcoal-grilled meat within the confines of my sanctum?
Brooke James Saucier
Evanston, IL
Dear Brooke:
So the government is hassling you, huh? Not surprising. I get followed all the time because I wrote a memo to my assistant saying that I used to date Dakota Fanning, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives thinks it’s their business. Anyway, as for your question, grilling inside is dangerous but rewarding. I usually grill in the bathroom, since it’s the only room with a built-in fan. Sitting on the toilet while checking the progress of your wiener is a Fourth of July tradition in the Galifianakis home.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
Why do stalkers usually chase people into abandoned amusement parks?
Craig Baird
Memphis, TN
Dear Craig:
I think they’re just following federal law. “Those wishing to stalk or harass a fellow citizen by trailing them must eventually end up in an abandoned amusement park, a burned-out Taco Bell, or a docked retired naval battleship” (Sec. 18 U.S.C. 875c). Some states require stalkers to have a limp. In New Hampshire, you can’t stalk anyone unless your name is Marcus.
Good luck.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I’ve been out of rehab for a while, and I’ve successfully replaced my drug addiction with a gambling addiction, but I’m still having trouble feeling at ease in society without the use of narcotics. Any suggestions?
Lorelei Leslie
Santa Monica, CA
Dear Lorelei:
The transition from rehab to the normal world is a tough one. I spent some time in rehab for my addiction to homemade Ecstasy—made from Tide with Bleach and some old Altoids. Somersaults in the park while singing any Spin Doctors song are also useful.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I am in the unfortunate position of having a receding hairline, but only on the right side of my head, giving me a half widow’s peak. My wife says it makes me look unique, but I have become quite anxious about it. Should I shave the other side to match? Shave it all off? Wear a selection of hats?
Tim Matthews
London, England
Dear Tim:
I would definitely go with the hat. May I suggest a ski mask? Or a fez? Or both.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
I have a job that leaves me passionless and empty. It stimulates neither mind nor soul. How can I successfully draw on my creative juices to do something meaningful?
Best ,
Charles
Address withheld
Dear Charles:
Are you an accountant at a cardboard box factory? Boredom is a killer. There are so many things you can do to kick-start a satisfying life. I will give you a few suggestions to get the juices flowing:
1) Start reading Teen People .
2) Rent a stretch Hummer to go see Noam Chomsky speak.
3) Model your life after the movie Sideways , but instead of wine make your passion Mountain Dew.
4) Ask a state trooper where the closest gay bar is.
5) Have a Super Bowl party with no television.
Zach
…
Dear Zach:
My girlfriend and I have been together for about two months. The relationship is still new, but I think we’re going to be together for a while. Some days she has a mustache, though. It’s light and wispy and makes me want to die. Is there any subtle, safe way to alert her to her own facial hair and make her get rid of the mustache?
Eddie Turner
Atlanta, GA
Dear
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