You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice by The Believer Page B

ladies who wear sandals and teach pottery classes. What should I do?
Mrs. Larkin
Melbourne, FL
    Dear Mrs. Larkin:
    If you don’t have the silver fox appeal of a James Brolin or a Fionnula Flanagan, then you must work in concert with destiny. Straddle that pottery wheel like you mean it!
Janeane
    …
    Dear Janeane:
    I’ve been a smoker for thirty years, and I know I should probably quit. But I don’t want to satisfy those pricks who are always obnoxiously preaching to me about cancer and coughing every time I light up. Is there a not-so-unhealthy-but-equally-annoying habit I could pick up that’d allow me to live longer while continuing to piss off the right people?
    Thanks for your help .
Jason S .
Owensboro, KY
    Dear Jason:
    Join the Republican party. Do what they tell you.
Janeane
    …
    Dear Janeane:
    I went to a swap meet where I cut my leg on some rusty scrap metal. I don’t remember the last time I had a tetanus shot. It hurts and there is blood. Should I buy the mannequin arm or the Marky Mark coffee mug?
Maggie Faris
St. Paul, MN
    Dear Maggie:
    The three-foot Mr. Peanut icon is a better buy. After you leave the swap meet, put the oversize peanut in the car. Drive to the nearest apothecary. Squeeze a dollop of Neosporin from the tube onto your leg. (You don’t need to buy the salve.) Exit the pharmacy. Drive home. Install the large peanut in your bedroom. Throw damp laundry over it.
Janeane
    …
    Dear Janeane:
    My dad, whom I haven’t seen in almost two decades, suddenly turned up on my doorstep the other day. He wants to make up for lost time and have the father-daughter relationship he denied me as a girl. Is there a nice way to tell him, “You’re my dad, I love you, but buying a My Pretty Pony for a twenty-eight-year-old woman isn’t sweet, it’s just kinda creepy and sad”?
Regards ,
Anonymous
    Dear Anonymous:
    You now have the perfect opportunity to utter, “Father, don’t darken my doorstep again!” I envy you. Most people don’t even have a doorstep.
Janeane

Daniel Handler
    Dear Daniel:
    Now that we have a black president, is it okay to be a racist again?
Terry R .
Eureka, CA
    Dear Terry:
    No.
Love,
Daniel Handler
    …
    Dear Daniel:
    My grandpa was just laid off from a major car manufacturer. Do you have any suggestions for work for the elderly? I don’t want him lazing around the house, driving my grandma crazy. He is a grouch .
Peter
Austin, TX
    Dear Peter:
    Dog walker.
Love,
Daniel Handler
    …
    Dear Daniel:
    Do you have any tips on getting rid of a gopher infestation?
A.C .
A part of Indiana you wouldn’t know
    Dear A.C.:
    Move.
Love,
Daniel Handler
    …
    Dear Daniel:
    I can’t enjoy cream soups anymore without thinking of that nasty Asian fetish. You know. Rhymes with “your latke” or “Milwaukee.” Are there any tricks to eating a delicious cream of broccoli soup without being totally grossed out?
Rocky
Gaithersburg, MD
    Dear “Rocky”:
    Tabasco.
Love,
Daniel Handler
    …
    Dear Daniel:
    Are there any good reasons to be proud of my Norwegian heritage, besides that John Lennon song?
A Man Without a Country
    Dear Man Without a Country,
    Kristin Lavransdatter .
Love,
Daniel Handler
    …
    Dear Daniel:
    My boyfriend wants us to move into a geodesic dome. I understand that the real estate market is unpredictable and scary these days, but I still don’t think that justifies living in a huge soccer ball. What do you think?
Call me “Nancy”
Winnipeg, MB, Canada
    Dear “Nancy”:
    “Cool.”
Love,
Daniel Handler
    Dear Daniel:
    I’ve been walking around in hundred-degree-plus heat and I can’t find my car. It’s a dark green ’97 Camry, and the parking lot outside Ross is frickin’ huge. Plus there’s strawberry ice cream in the trunk .
Mario M .
Gillette, WY
    Dear Mario:
    Huh.
Love,
Daniel Handler
    …
    Dear Daniel:
    How can you break up with your boyfriend in a way that tells him, “I don’t want to sleep with you on a regular basis anymore, but please be