Knights school paper. I embedded myself so I could expose the pageant from the inside.”
“That explains the budget weave,” Miss Ohio said.
Adina whipped around. “This is my own hair.”
Miss Ohio put her hands up in a “whatever” gesture.
“Why did you want to do that?” Mary Lou asked.
“Because it’s wrong! It exploits women. We’re parading around in bathing suits and evening gowns, letting people judge us for the way we look. No wonder the world doesn’t take us seriously.”
“What’s wrong with wanting to look pretty?” Brittani asked.
Taylor’s face was as hard as the lava cliffs jutting up from the island green. “I am shocked, Miss New Hampshire. You are a real Judas. When we get back, I intend to make a full report to the pageant officials and have you replaced with your state’s first runner-up.”
Adina threw her hands in the air and laughed bitterly. “Fine. You do that. IF we ever get back, Little Miss Perfect!”
“For your information, I have not held the title of Little Miss Perfect since I was six. We
will
be rescued, Miss Teen Dreamers. I have absolute faith in that. And
you,
Miss New Hampshire, will be reported.”
“Cripes, you guys. Let’s not fight. At least we’re safe here,” Mary Lou said.
The muddy ground shook. Adina’s eyes widened. “Oh sh —” The earth beneath them gave way suddenly, and the girls were swept down the mountainside in a spiral of mud and sequins and screams.
LIVE ON
BARRY REX LIVE
BARRY REX: Ladybird Hope, thank you for joining us tonight.
LADYBIRD HOPE: You betcha, Barry. I just want to assure everybody out there in our great nation that we’re doing everything we can to make sure we bring these girls home safe. You know, Barry, it just makes my heart kinda sick when I think of all the bad girls whose planes could have gone down. It’s such a tragedy that these sweet girls who follow the rules set down for women through the ages while also learning to walk in bathing suits and heels are the ones who are now missing. Some of those bathing suits are from my own Ladybird Hope, Pageant Princess swimwear line, which is America’s bestselling teen swimwear line, by the way.
BARRY REX: The plane was a Corporation plane, which have been rumored to have navigation troubles. The Corporation has been accused of cutting costs on its airlines. Do you think that could have something to do with this? Does this reflect badly on The Corporation?
LADYBIRD HOPE: I like your suit, Barry.
BARRY REX: Can you answer the question, please?
LADYBIRD HOPE: Barry, my opponents will stop at nothing to smear me just because I’m a straight talker who loves her country and her pageant. I can’t talk too much about it, but there’s evidence, Barry, that the plane was shot down by hostile forces. That this was a terrorist attack on this country’s best and brightest. The sort of scenario I warned about in my new book,
Get Scared, America!
BARRY REX: What are you saying, Ladybird?
LADYBIRD HOPE: I’m saying that if I were president, this wouldn’t have happened. Not on my watch.
BARRY REX: The call-board is lighting up like a Christmas tree over here!
LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, it’s no coincidence that Christmas is Jesus’s holiday, Barry.
BARRY REX: We’ll take your calls in a moment. But first, Ladybird, you’ve come under fire recently for your promotion of a pageant that some see as antiquated. That the system rewards girls for being pretty and it values compliance and conformity rather than the boldness and rule-breaking that we pride in our boys and which often help them feel entitled to success, to getting ahead in life.
LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, frankly, that’s the sort of stuff I expect my critics to say, because they want to turn all women into sluts who can get an abortion at the drive-through while they’re off at college gettin’ indoctrinated with folk-singin’, patchouli-wearin’, hairy-armpit-advocatin’ feminism, which is just
“That explains the budget weave,” Miss Ohio said.
Adina whipped around. “This is my own hair.”
Miss Ohio put her hands up in a “whatever” gesture.
“Why did you want to do that?” Mary Lou asked.
“Because it’s wrong! It exploits women. We’re parading around in bathing suits and evening gowns, letting people judge us for the way we look. No wonder the world doesn’t take us seriously.”
“What’s wrong with wanting to look pretty?” Brittani asked.
Taylor’s face was as hard as the lava cliffs jutting up from the island green. “I am shocked, Miss New Hampshire. You are a real Judas. When we get back, I intend to make a full report to the pageant officials and have you replaced with your state’s first runner-up.”
Adina threw her hands in the air and laughed bitterly. “Fine. You do that. IF we ever get back, Little Miss Perfect!”
“For your information, I have not held the title of Little Miss Perfect since I was six. We
will
be rescued, Miss Teen Dreamers. I have absolute faith in that. And
you,
Miss New Hampshire, will be reported.”
“Cripes, you guys. Let’s not fight. At least we’re safe here,” Mary Lou said.
The muddy ground shook. Adina’s eyes widened. “Oh sh —” The earth beneath them gave way suddenly, and the girls were swept down the mountainside in a spiral of mud and sequins and screams.
LIVE ON
BARRY REX LIVE
BARRY REX: Ladybird Hope, thank you for joining us tonight.
LADYBIRD HOPE: You betcha, Barry. I just want to assure everybody out there in our great nation that we’re doing everything we can to make sure we bring these girls home safe. You know, Barry, it just makes my heart kinda sick when I think of all the bad girls whose planes could have gone down. It’s such a tragedy that these sweet girls who follow the rules set down for women through the ages while also learning to walk in bathing suits and heels are the ones who are now missing. Some of those bathing suits are from my own Ladybird Hope, Pageant Princess swimwear line, which is America’s bestselling teen swimwear line, by the way.
BARRY REX: The plane was a Corporation plane, which have been rumored to have navigation troubles. The Corporation has been accused of cutting costs on its airlines. Do you think that could have something to do with this? Does this reflect badly on The Corporation?
LADYBIRD HOPE: I like your suit, Barry.
BARRY REX: Can you answer the question, please?
LADYBIRD HOPE: Barry, my opponents will stop at nothing to smear me just because I’m a straight talker who loves her country and her pageant. I can’t talk too much about it, but there’s evidence, Barry, that the plane was shot down by hostile forces. That this was a terrorist attack on this country’s best and brightest. The sort of scenario I warned about in my new book,
Get Scared, America!
BARRY REX: What are you saying, Ladybird?
LADYBIRD HOPE: I’m saying that if I were president, this wouldn’t have happened. Not on my watch.
BARRY REX: The call-board is lighting up like a Christmas tree over here!
LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, it’s no coincidence that Christmas is Jesus’s holiday, Barry.
BARRY REX: We’ll take your calls in a moment. But first, Ladybird, you’ve come under fire recently for your promotion of a pageant that some see as antiquated. That the system rewards girls for being pretty and it values compliance and conformity rather than the boldness and rule-breaking that we pride in our boys and which often help them feel entitled to success, to getting ahead in life.
LADYBIRD HOPE: Well, frankly, that’s the sort of stuff I expect my critics to say, because they want to turn all women into sluts who can get an abortion at the drive-through while they’re off at college gettin’ indoctrinated with folk-singin’, patchouli-wearin’, hairy-armpit-advocatin’ feminism, which is just
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