Bellona (Part 1.5 of The Saskia Trilogy) by Aoife Marie Sheridan Page B
Authors: Aoife Marie Sheridan
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over the floor, pouring towards the door where it runs out under it. Grabbing a gown, I wrap it around myself, flexing my hands open and closed. I am finding it hard to breathe, taking controlled deep breaths I try to calm myself. But something in me rises, causing panic to flicker through me. I dance from one foot to the other, wanting to get away from myself but I am still here. The monster in me is growing so much stronger. I can’t get away.
“No, no, no,” I repeat the words several times, still hopping from foot to foot, trying to make sense of what is happening. My breaths become shallow and I fight for air.
“Bellona.” I hadn’t heard anyone enter, but I turn to find Nierra standing in a pool of water in my chambers. Seeing him makes something release inside me. I cry softly, my hands reaching out to him. “I’m so broken.” I sob and he moves across the room, encircling me in his arms. “She broke me.” My words grow more frantic, and my heart squeezes, as the understanding of how damaged I am fully comes to me. “I’m broken,” I say, again and again. But Nierra just tightens his grip on me, as if I might lose my mind completely if he lets me go. I feel safe and I let it out, all of it. I cry like a child. Nierra doesn’t speak, but he strokes my hair so gently, planting soft kisses on the crown of my head. His kindness makes me cry harder, deeper. I am so damaged, so broken, so vulnerable. So alone. Even being held by someone, someone I love, doesn’t stop the ache inside me. No one knows what goes on inside my head, the things I have done. If Nierra ever found out he would walk away from me. I try to control the sobs as Nierra releases me but takes my face in his hands, but I can’t look at him. “Bellona, look at me.” And I do at his gentle request, but the tears won’t stop flowing. “You know what’s so beautiful about something that is broken?” he questions, and I shake my head as a sob escapes my lips.
“That we can fix it, and put it back together.” He leans his forehead against mine, and the determination in his eyes slows my tears. “Me and you Bellona will fix this, I swear it now, on this very moment of our existence, I will fix you. I will love you. I will never let you go.” The sobs choke me now and he pulls me into his arms while slowly lowering us both to the ground where he rocks me as if I am an infant, letting me release all the pain, all the anger that is choking me, that is killing me slowly. He erases the pain with love, the want with comfort, and my uncertainty of the future with the promise he has just made me. He will never let me go.
Chapter Nine
The Bird
I was healing slowly after the night Nierra spent with me.
.
I spent the day in the gardens just wandering around, day dreaming about Nierra, but my mind kept wandering to darker places. I try to pull away, I am determined to turn over a new leaf, I want to be a good person. Nierra makes me want to be a better person and at times when I feel I am, my mother will destroy me again. Today she is sick in her chambers so I will have no disturbances. Leaving the tended area of the gardens I move towards the more unkempt area, and find I like it more; it’s wild, untamed and it feels like I belong here.
Wandering through the grass that grows high I find the most beautiful bird I have ever seen. Its wings spread out the feathers translucent, light shines through. His feathers are so white my hands want to touch such perfection. I want this bird to be mine, only mine. I move closer, its head turns in my direction, black eyes staring straight at me. It tilts its long neck with curiosity, it shows no fear. I move closer and it lets me until I am only a foot away. Its wings whip the air and it rises into the sky. I cover my eyes from the sun, I don’t want to take my eyes off of it. It flies to me
“No, no, no,” I repeat the words several times, still hopping from foot to foot, trying to make sense of what is happening. My breaths become shallow and I fight for air.
“Bellona.” I hadn’t heard anyone enter, but I turn to find Nierra standing in a pool of water in my chambers. Seeing him makes something release inside me. I cry softly, my hands reaching out to him. “I’m so broken.” I sob and he moves across the room, encircling me in his arms. “She broke me.” My words grow more frantic, and my heart squeezes, as the understanding of how damaged I am fully comes to me. “I’m broken,” I say, again and again. But Nierra just tightens his grip on me, as if I might lose my mind completely if he lets me go. I feel safe and I let it out, all of it. I cry like a child. Nierra doesn’t speak, but he strokes my hair so gently, planting soft kisses on the crown of my head. His kindness makes me cry harder, deeper. I am so damaged, so broken, so vulnerable. So alone. Even being held by someone, someone I love, doesn’t stop the ache inside me. No one knows what goes on inside my head, the things I have done. If Nierra ever found out he would walk away from me. I try to control the sobs as Nierra releases me but takes my face in his hands, but I can’t look at him. “Bellona, look at me.” And I do at his gentle request, but the tears won’t stop flowing. “You know what’s so beautiful about something that is broken?” he questions, and I shake my head as a sob escapes my lips.
“That we can fix it, and put it back together.” He leans his forehead against mine, and the determination in his eyes slows my tears. “Me and you Bellona will fix this, I swear it now, on this very moment of our existence, I will fix you. I will love you. I will never let you go.” The sobs choke me now and he pulls me into his arms while slowly lowering us both to the ground where he rocks me as if I am an infant, letting me release all the pain, all the anger that is choking me, that is killing me slowly. He erases the pain with love, the want with comfort, and my uncertainty of the future with the promise he has just made me. He will never let me go.
Chapter Nine
The Bird
I was healing slowly after the night Nierra spent with me.
.
I spent the day in the gardens just wandering around, day dreaming about Nierra, but my mind kept wandering to darker places. I try to pull away, I am determined to turn over a new leaf, I want to be a good person. Nierra makes me want to be a better person and at times when I feel I am, my mother will destroy me again. Today she is sick in her chambers so I will have no disturbances. Leaving the tended area of the gardens I move towards the more unkempt area, and find I like it more; it’s wild, untamed and it feels like I belong here.
Wandering through the grass that grows high I find the most beautiful bird I have ever seen. Its wings spread out the feathers translucent, light shines through. His feathers are so white my hands want to touch such perfection. I want this bird to be mine, only mine. I move closer, its head turns in my direction, black eyes staring straight at me. It tilts its long neck with curiosity, it shows no fear. I move closer and it lets me until I am only a foot away. Its wings whip the air and it rises into the sky. I cover my eyes from the sun, I don’t want to take my eyes off of it. It flies to me
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