one….”
“You and Michelle were moving in together first. It’s a two bedroom, and if we can’t share a room, there’s no choice. I can find somewhere else to stay.”
“If there isn’t a phone call for me when I get home, I’ll be packing for Alberta anyway. Just take the place, all right? I already spoke with Michelle about it. She’s cool.”
“What’s this about, Ashley? This is about us, isn’t it?”
“No, this isn’t about us . There is no us . We have the wrong energy. I think that’s how you put it?” I spew.
“Ashley, come on. It’s not like that. Try to understand where I’m coming from. How can I just break up with Jeremy? We’ve been together all year.”
“Why don’t you want to be with me? You’re scared. I was afraid too, hiding behind my girlfriend, but I took the risk. You told me you were going to break up with him. You told me you only wanted to be with me! How am I supposed to feel?” I demand, my anger rising dangerously.
“I don’t know what you’re supposed to feel. How am I supposed to feel when I see you straddling my boyfriend for a massage? How am I supposed to feel when all anyone talks about at college is how Michelle and you must be screwing? Instead of pointing your finger at me, maybe you should figure out who the hell you want to date,” Chris explodes.
A sudden wind whips down the street, tossing my hair across my forehead. The chill provokes me to cross my arms, bracing myself from Chris as much as the weather. I laugh in disbelief. “What are you talking about? I obviously do a bang-up job of disguising my feelings. It’s killing me not to be with you! That’s why we can’t live together. It just won’t work.”
“Ashley, come on. We’ve been planning it for months,” Chris interjects. “Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but please don’t throw this all away.”
“Throw what all away? What is this ? We don’t have anything! We might have had something, but you made another choice. A choice to stay somewhere you’re not happy. We might have been friends, but we’re really only connected through Michelle. We might in the least have been roommates. But how can you stand there and ask me to be just that? After we’ve had a taste of what it might have been like, you ask me to watch you with someone else. How could I share a place with you, let alone a room? Do you think I wouldn’t rot inside every time you brought Jeremy home?” I choke on my words and say a silent “thank you” because it has started to rain. The last thing I want is Chris to see me cry over him.
“Ashley, please. I’m in a rough spot right now. I’m just so confused about a lot of things. Your friendship means so much to me. Please, just trust me. I need time.”
I’m done fighting. I’ve said all I can say, all that’s been wrestling inside me. “Sure. Look, I gotta get home. We’re getting soaked out here. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I manage to say in an even tone. My mask starts sliding into place over the torrential emotions. I turn and slip away without waiting for an answer. There are no more words right now. I used to love words, but now I’m beginning to despise them.
The rain drives down, creating walls of water, trapping me in, obscuring my vision. Or maybe it’s the pools gathering in my eyes. For no reason I start to run. I’m on autopilot, mindlessly breaking through the walls of water. The puddles send a wave up my body with each footfall until I can’t tell which way is up or down. Water seems to be drowning me from every angle.
I’m laughing! Laughing because I’m six years old, out in the rain with my walnut sailboats. Laughing because rain is wonderful and life is wonderful. Laughing because at six I’m normal, and I’m going to grow up and get married and have babies. Laughing because somewhere Antonio got it wrong. How funny this all is! This isn’t my life; this is an absurd dream, isn’t it?
“I’m
“You and Michelle were moving in together first. It’s a two bedroom, and if we can’t share a room, there’s no choice. I can find somewhere else to stay.”
“If there isn’t a phone call for me when I get home, I’ll be packing for Alberta anyway. Just take the place, all right? I already spoke with Michelle about it. She’s cool.”
“What’s this about, Ashley? This is about us, isn’t it?”
“No, this isn’t about us . There is no us . We have the wrong energy. I think that’s how you put it?” I spew.
“Ashley, come on. It’s not like that. Try to understand where I’m coming from. How can I just break up with Jeremy? We’ve been together all year.”
“Why don’t you want to be with me? You’re scared. I was afraid too, hiding behind my girlfriend, but I took the risk. You told me you were going to break up with him. You told me you only wanted to be with me! How am I supposed to feel?” I demand, my anger rising dangerously.
“I don’t know what you’re supposed to feel. How am I supposed to feel when I see you straddling my boyfriend for a massage? How am I supposed to feel when all anyone talks about at college is how Michelle and you must be screwing? Instead of pointing your finger at me, maybe you should figure out who the hell you want to date,” Chris explodes.
A sudden wind whips down the street, tossing my hair across my forehead. The chill provokes me to cross my arms, bracing myself from Chris as much as the weather. I laugh in disbelief. “What are you talking about? I obviously do a bang-up job of disguising my feelings. It’s killing me not to be with you! That’s why we can’t live together. It just won’t work.”
“Ashley, come on. We’ve been planning it for months,” Chris interjects. “Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but please don’t throw this all away.”
“Throw what all away? What is this ? We don’t have anything! We might have had something, but you made another choice. A choice to stay somewhere you’re not happy. We might have been friends, but we’re really only connected through Michelle. We might in the least have been roommates. But how can you stand there and ask me to be just that? After we’ve had a taste of what it might have been like, you ask me to watch you with someone else. How could I share a place with you, let alone a room? Do you think I wouldn’t rot inside every time you brought Jeremy home?” I choke on my words and say a silent “thank you” because it has started to rain. The last thing I want is Chris to see me cry over him.
“Ashley, please. I’m in a rough spot right now. I’m just so confused about a lot of things. Your friendship means so much to me. Please, just trust me. I need time.”
I’m done fighting. I’ve said all I can say, all that’s been wrestling inside me. “Sure. Look, I gotta get home. We’re getting soaked out here. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I manage to say in an even tone. My mask starts sliding into place over the torrential emotions. I turn and slip away without waiting for an answer. There are no more words right now. I used to love words, but now I’m beginning to despise them.
The rain drives down, creating walls of water, trapping me in, obscuring my vision. Or maybe it’s the pools gathering in my eyes. For no reason I start to run. I’m on autopilot, mindlessly breaking through the walls of water. The puddles send a wave up my body with each footfall until I can’t tell which way is up or down. Water seems to be drowning me from every angle.
I’m laughing! Laughing because I’m six years old, out in the rain with my walnut sailboats. Laughing because rain is wonderful and life is wonderful. Laughing because at six I’m normal, and I’m going to grow up and get married and have babies. Laughing because somewhere Antonio got it wrong. How funny this all is! This isn’t my life; this is an absurd dream, isn’t it?
“I’m
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