Dear Nobody by Gillian McCain

to meet Mickey at the rope swing around 1:00 p.m. tomorrow. When Mickey is there, we usually see Ryan, but after the faces I made the other day, and the mood I was in, Ryan may never be interested in me again—if he ever was. Story of my life. I should have just played it off sweetly, gushing blind friendliness towards Ryan—and making friendly chatter with his “girlfriend,” by complimenting her on her many beautiful physical attributes. That would have fed my vengefulness, and really fucked with him; but I’m just not like that anymore. Instead, I openly sulked, brooded and feigned disinterest in him. I occasionally glanced in HER direction—to size her up. I think he may have seen that. Oh fucking well. I’m not even all that hurt any more. Maybe it’s just PMS.
    I know he’ll be back. Sooner or later.
    My magnetism can’t be that easy to resist.
    Adrienne’s boyfriend did help console me, though. Even though I was above asking—he said I looked better than the girl my crush had brought—that I was beautiful.

PHOENIXVILLE, PA
LATE SUMMER, 1997

Dear Nobody,
    Hooray! Ryan asked me out today! I went to the rope swing figuring I wouldn’t see him at all. I didn’t even wash my hair, and I wore the same red dress over my bathing suit that I had worn the day before. I offered him a beer and we got to talking. His girlfriend wasn’t there. Maybe they broke up? I hope so, but even if they were still together, I still would have said “yes” (just to test him out).
    Mickey gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day, but I didn’t care.
    I was on cloud nine.

Dear Nobody,
    I’ve got to reconstruct myself. I’ve got to evolve, and regenerate. That must be why I was sent here to Phoenixville; my destiny wants me to reclaim my true self. I COULD be freer here—I could, maybe, even be comfortable. The ties I bind here could be strong, maybe even honest. I FEEL it—if I could get past the obstructive nature of adolescent relationships, I could build an even more powerful empire. I’ve got new energy; a new opposition to my previous thinking.
    I’m excited now that I know my fate. I cannot sleep tonight (today—it’s 6:00 a.m.—and no sleep so far since yesterday). Now, I need my dreams; they have led me to my conclusion (thank you, God). I need them now to unleash the strategy behind my façade (and I need sleep if I expect to keep up this marvelous energy). I’ve just got to remember to be nice and warm-hearted in my overall relations to people. If I feign shyness and waste my given energy, I will only become restless, which can be very counterproductive to this new “Life Project.”

Dear Nobody,
    I’ve fallen in love with Ryan. Hard. We all were down at the rope swing with mom’s boyfriend, Joe, drinking a case of beer—I had like eight beers and Ryan had three. Joe was drinking whisky and told Ryan I liked him. It was okay—at least we got it established. Ryan seemed okay with it, but really didn’t show if he liked me—though he did seem a little more comfortable around me after that. Well, since I was getting a buzz on (even though I wasn’t drunk) I was getting loud. Okay: loud, bossy and cursing A LOT, but I was still okay. Ryan seemed to want to leave, but I wouldn’t let him. I told him he had to stay—so he did. Then he said that he HAD to go home because he needed to get up EARLY the next day, so he could get his picture taken for yearbook.
    I asked him if he planned on going to the rope swing tomorrow.
    He said, “Yeah.”
    I asked, “What time?”
    He said that it would depend on what time he woke up!
    DUH! He can’t even lie right.
    Oh, well.
    So guess what—the next day, he doesn’t even show up! At ALL! So I got really, really drunk. MAD DRUNK . I went to Adrienne’s and called him to bitch him out. Ryan hung up on me