Deep Surrendering: Episode Six by Chelsea M. Cameron

down after so many years. He didn’t have any fight left.
    “But what about me?” My voice was so quiet, I could barely hear it myself. The words slipped out before I had a chance to reel them back in.
    He turned his head to the side, as if he was a little confused for a moment. “Are you going somewhere?” he asked, almost joking.
    I shook my head slowly. “I just mean … if you’re not free, completely free, then can you really be with me?” It was a thought I’d buried so far back in my mind that it hadn’t been able to completely take form until now.
    It was a valid question. What if Fin had to choose between me and his father? Who would he pick? I knew the answer right now, and it didn’t make me happy.
    It broke my heart.
    “Hey, don’t think that way. Things are good with us, right? You’re happy?” Yes. I was. But not as much as I could be. “What if it isn’t enough?” Our relationship hadn’t stood the test of time. Yes, we’d already been through a lot together, but I had a feeling the worst was yet to come.
    “We don’t have to talk about this now. Wait for me to get back and then we can talk about it, okay? Just because I’m not with you doesn’t mean I’m with someone else. I only want you, Marisol.”
    Oh, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to swallow those pretty words he was trying to feed me.
    “Sure,” I said, and put on a smile.
     

     
    My talk with Fin was anything but satisfying. The two of us were doing well (with the exception of a few bumps and detours), but we were nearing a crossroads. I could feel it.
    I needed to talk to someone. I had my phone in my hand and contemplated calling Chloe, but it was so late (or early, depending on how you looked at things) that I didn’t want to wake her up.
    I waited until the morning and sent her a message asking if we could meet for lunch and talk.
    I’d never felt so … off-balance before. It was a confusing feeling and I didn’t like it. Fin liked control. I’d lost mine.
     

     
    “Whoa, who died?” Chloe said. Her not-so-subtle way of telling me I looked like crap. Totally understandable since I didn’t get much sleep. Too much thinking about how it would wreck me to end things with Fin. If I even should, or if I was just being dramatic. Relationships were work, and I was probably just looking for a reason to bail. I spent the night thinking in circles, and I needed another person to tell me if I was crazy or not.
    I gave Chloe a glare and she gave me a hug before sitting across from me at the outdoor café table.
    “What’s wrong? Did Fin do something?”
    I shook my head. “No, I just … I was thinking last night about our relationship and how it’s not … complete. I mean, how can we ever be together if we’re not together?”
    Chloe was able to follow my crazy thought train. She knew me too well.
    “I thought you weren’t defining things, and now you’re talking about marriage?”
    “No, not marriage. Not even dating. Just being together. Look, could you be in a long distance relationship? Always being apart except for a few weeks? How can you move forward if you’re not going in the same direction? And what if we did decide to be together? He’d never give up his job. Sure, I could travel around with him, but what kind of life is that? I just … I guess I just started thinking too many thoughts, and I need you to help me sort them out.” I took a breath because I’d said everything in a rush.
    “You seemed so confident when you talked about him before, but I get where you’re coming from. I’d feel the same way. I guess you have to ask yourself if the benefits outweigh the shitty stuff. Is being with him worth dealing with the distance?”
    I knew the answer to that.
    “Yes. Even a long distance relationship is worth it. But how long will that be true for me? It’s true now, but what about months from now? Years?” I wanted to reach out, shake her, and make her tell me what to do. Because I