knew, we was wallowin’ on the ground. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was somethin’ other than a ill-educated, farm-workin’ nigger. And, it felt good.”
A long moment of silence passed before I could reply.
“Was that all it took? You gave us up for that?”
42
Mar y Monroe
“She gave up more than I did. Her family, her daddy’s money. How many white folks you think would give up the good life they got to be with a poor-ass Black man, when she could have continued livin’ like a king up in that big house her daddy owned? It got to her after a few years. Right after her nervous breakdown, she started kissin’ her daddy’s feet. Him and the rest of her kinfolks felt sorry enough for her they let her back in the family. Them schemin’ crackers even had some rascal they dug up in Texas waitin’ to marry her. A cousin of hers at that. And there I was, by myself with them three kids.”
“At least you did the right thing by them .”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Daddy snapped.
“You didn’t run off and leave them behind.” I kept my eyes on the front yard of the church, which was vacant by now.
“Girl, I tried to find y’all. I wanted to get back with you and your mama so bad it hurt me to my heart. Don’t you think for one minute I wasn’t sufferin’, too.” Daddy paused and sniffed. “I went through things I wouldn’t wish on a dog. Like that time I carried Lillimae to the mini-mall to get her some new shoes to wear to church. She was eleven and just startin’ to act a fool, as kids do when they that age. Anyway, she threw a hissy fit ’cause I wouldn’t get her no ice cream. I mauled her head with my fist. Girl, crackers came at me from every direction, thinkin’ God knows what. I got beat down and cussed at so bad, I couldn’t work for a week. Lillimae was a grown woman before me and her went out in public together again.
Every time I thought about Edith, I wanted to kill her for the hell she had put me in.”
It took me a few moments to absorb this information. Recalling the sad look I’d seen on Edith’s face that day at the vegetable stand, I blinked hard. To give that woman the benefit of the doubt, I truly believed that if that store manager had not approached her, she would have shown her true feelings toward Lillimae. Now only God would know what Edith might have said and done. I was proud of the fact that I had a forgiving heart. Had I not, I would never have seen my daddy again.
“Are you going to go in the church at all?” I asked Daddy, glancing at my watch.
Daddy gasped so hard he started coughing. As soon as he cleared his throat he roared, “What’s wrong with you, girl?! Them white folks GOD STILL DON’T LIKE UGLY
43
would ride me out of town on a rail if I was to show my black face up in that church! I ain’t that crazy.”
“You were crazy enough to live with one and have three kids with her,” I scoffed. I turned to look at Daddy. The toothpick between his lips was shaking as he stared at me with tears in his eyes.
Daddy let out a loud groan. “Girl, ain’t you never gwine to let the past go? What’s done is done. And don’t you know everything happen for a reason? Maybe me leavin’ you and your mama was the best thing ever happened to y’all. Sound like you and your mama done all right without me. I was just holdin’ y’all down from a better life. What kind of life do you think you would have had if you hadn’t moved to Ohio?
What could I have given y’all?”
“Your love would have been enough for me, Daddy.”
“Girl, you always had that. I thought about you every day of my life, wishin’ I could hug you and see you grow up. I sure wish I could have been there when you got familiar with . . . uh, mens. That ain’t a easy thing for a girl to go through. Lillimae and Sondra told me when they, uh, done it that first time. That’s the kind of deal I had goin’
with my girls. They knew from the cradle they could
A long moment of silence passed before I could reply.
“Was that all it took? You gave us up for that?”
42
Mar y Monroe
“She gave up more than I did. Her family, her daddy’s money. How many white folks you think would give up the good life they got to be with a poor-ass Black man, when she could have continued livin’ like a king up in that big house her daddy owned? It got to her after a few years. Right after her nervous breakdown, she started kissin’ her daddy’s feet. Him and the rest of her kinfolks felt sorry enough for her they let her back in the family. Them schemin’ crackers even had some rascal they dug up in Texas waitin’ to marry her. A cousin of hers at that. And there I was, by myself with them three kids.”
“At least you did the right thing by them .”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Daddy snapped.
“You didn’t run off and leave them behind.” I kept my eyes on the front yard of the church, which was vacant by now.
“Girl, I tried to find y’all. I wanted to get back with you and your mama so bad it hurt me to my heart. Don’t you think for one minute I wasn’t sufferin’, too.” Daddy paused and sniffed. “I went through things I wouldn’t wish on a dog. Like that time I carried Lillimae to the mini-mall to get her some new shoes to wear to church. She was eleven and just startin’ to act a fool, as kids do when they that age. Anyway, she threw a hissy fit ’cause I wouldn’t get her no ice cream. I mauled her head with my fist. Girl, crackers came at me from every direction, thinkin’ God knows what. I got beat down and cussed at so bad, I couldn’t work for a week. Lillimae was a grown woman before me and her went out in public together again.
Every time I thought about Edith, I wanted to kill her for the hell she had put me in.”
It took me a few moments to absorb this information. Recalling the sad look I’d seen on Edith’s face that day at the vegetable stand, I blinked hard. To give that woman the benefit of the doubt, I truly believed that if that store manager had not approached her, she would have shown her true feelings toward Lillimae. Now only God would know what Edith might have said and done. I was proud of the fact that I had a forgiving heart. Had I not, I would never have seen my daddy again.
“Are you going to go in the church at all?” I asked Daddy, glancing at my watch.
Daddy gasped so hard he started coughing. As soon as he cleared his throat he roared, “What’s wrong with you, girl?! Them white folks GOD STILL DON’T LIKE UGLY
43
would ride me out of town on a rail if I was to show my black face up in that church! I ain’t that crazy.”
“You were crazy enough to live with one and have three kids with her,” I scoffed. I turned to look at Daddy. The toothpick between his lips was shaking as he stared at me with tears in his eyes.
Daddy let out a loud groan. “Girl, ain’t you never gwine to let the past go? What’s done is done. And don’t you know everything happen for a reason? Maybe me leavin’ you and your mama was the best thing ever happened to y’all. Sound like you and your mama done all right without me. I was just holdin’ y’all down from a better life. What kind of life do you think you would have had if you hadn’t moved to Ohio?
What could I have given y’all?”
“Your love would have been enough for me, Daddy.”
“Girl, you always had that. I thought about you every day of my life, wishin’ I could hug you and see you grow up. I sure wish I could have been there when you got familiar with . . . uh, mens. That ain’t a easy thing for a girl to go through. Lillimae and Sondra told me when they, uh, done it that first time. That’s the kind of deal I had goin’
with my girls. They knew from the cradle they could
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