some of his family in Miami, and I told a few people I'm going to New Jersey.
I loathe the secrets and the lies, but understand there are no other options for men like us. When I first realized the
true nature of my sexuality I decided I wanted to be open about it. I really thought I could be. I didn't want to
pretend to be in a relationship with some random woman just to keep people from gossiping. I thought I could just be
with the one person I love more than anything in the world, society be damned. I was utterly naïve.
Benjamin might call us kindred spirits, but we are homosexuals. It scares me a little, to write down what I am. I
have been in a clandestine relationship with another man for months. I have done things many consider perverted or
degrading and could get us either committed or arrested. I have risked being discovered many times, just so that I can
have one kiss from the man I love… I know who I am and what I want and don't regret anything I have done so far.
Yet it scares me to write it down.
There are some courageous souls that have gotten together with the same purpose. They have formed organizations
to fight for civil rights and against the homophobia that is rampant in this world, but they aren't making much
progress. Not only is homosexuality still taboo, but classified as a psychiatric disorder as well. There is no tolerance for
people like us.
And so I rather hide and patiently wait for the rare opportunities when Manny and I can be together for more
than a few hours at a time.
April 24, 1965
I had dinner with Benjamin tonight. The director wasn't present, but we discussed my new movie that I just started filming. Benjamin is the producer and he likes to have his hand in everything. We also discussed a story I've been
writing in my spare time. He says it is very good, and maybe we can do something with it. I never considered writing
until a few months ago. My dream was to be an actor, but now that I have accomplished that goal I find that I need a
new challenge. An idea crossed my mind and before I knew it I was bringing it to life. Turns out I enjoy writing
immensely. Benjamin says it could be an excellent project for television. I wouldn't be opposed to that.
The second part of our conversation I didn't enjoy. It was my close friendship with Benjamin that stopped me from
leaving the restaurant the moment he started on my relationship with Manny yet again. As much of a kindred spirit
as Benjamin is; as much as he indulges in his desires and carnal pleasure, the truth is he will never be honest about it.
He's terrified of being found out, which is why he has as many women as he has men, and that in addition to his
marriage. Now he's terrified on my behalf.
He said that gossip is spreading and rumors are getting louder. He told me I'm being careless. That I'am letting
the world see my affections are not normal by not dating women and spending too much time with Manny. He said
people are wondering why I have been parading all over Hollywood with him instead of some pretty girl.
I was furious. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that there's nothing abnormal about the way I feel for
Manny. That our relationship is as good as any other couple's in this town. Better, even, because our love is real.
Benjamin said he has no doubt of that. He knows we are the real thing, but reminded me the world is not ready to
see men together; to accept that I want a husband instead of a wife. He says my days in Hollywood will be over if
people find out. I said I don't really care. I'ill take Manny over acting any day.
That's when Benjamin asked if I care about Manny's career and what will happen to him if the men he is in
such close quarters with ever find out what he is. He asked me whether or not I care if Manny gets beaten to a pulp.
He says being an actor I would probably get more compassion and understanding from the people in my life, but the
men Manny is surrounded by will never show him any kindness. He'll get
I loathe the secrets and the lies, but understand there are no other options for men like us. When I first realized the
true nature of my sexuality I decided I wanted to be open about it. I really thought I could be. I didn't want to
pretend to be in a relationship with some random woman just to keep people from gossiping. I thought I could just be
with the one person I love more than anything in the world, society be damned. I was utterly naïve.
Benjamin might call us kindred spirits, but we are homosexuals. It scares me a little, to write down what I am. I
have been in a clandestine relationship with another man for months. I have done things many consider perverted or
degrading and could get us either committed or arrested. I have risked being discovered many times, just so that I can
have one kiss from the man I love… I know who I am and what I want and don't regret anything I have done so far.
Yet it scares me to write it down.
There are some courageous souls that have gotten together with the same purpose. They have formed organizations
to fight for civil rights and against the homophobia that is rampant in this world, but they aren't making much
progress. Not only is homosexuality still taboo, but classified as a psychiatric disorder as well. There is no tolerance for
people like us.
And so I rather hide and patiently wait for the rare opportunities when Manny and I can be together for more
than a few hours at a time.
April 24, 1965
I had dinner with Benjamin tonight. The director wasn't present, but we discussed my new movie that I just started filming. Benjamin is the producer and he likes to have his hand in everything. We also discussed a story I've been
writing in my spare time. He says it is very good, and maybe we can do something with it. I never considered writing
until a few months ago. My dream was to be an actor, but now that I have accomplished that goal I find that I need a
new challenge. An idea crossed my mind and before I knew it I was bringing it to life. Turns out I enjoy writing
immensely. Benjamin says it could be an excellent project for television. I wouldn't be opposed to that.
The second part of our conversation I didn't enjoy. It was my close friendship with Benjamin that stopped me from
leaving the restaurant the moment he started on my relationship with Manny yet again. As much of a kindred spirit
as Benjamin is; as much as he indulges in his desires and carnal pleasure, the truth is he will never be honest about it.
He's terrified of being found out, which is why he has as many women as he has men, and that in addition to his
marriage. Now he's terrified on my behalf.
He said that gossip is spreading and rumors are getting louder. He told me I'm being careless. That I'am letting
the world see my affections are not normal by not dating women and spending too much time with Manny. He said
people are wondering why I have been parading all over Hollywood with him instead of some pretty girl.
I was furious. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that there's nothing abnormal about the way I feel for
Manny. That our relationship is as good as any other couple's in this town. Better, even, because our love is real.
Benjamin said he has no doubt of that. He knows we are the real thing, but reminded me the world is not ready to
see men together; to accept that I want a husband instead of a wife. He says my days in Hollywood will be over if
people find out. I said I don't really care. I'ill take Manny over acting any day.
That's when Benjamin asked if I care about Manny's career and what will happen to him if the men he is in
such close quarters with ever find out what he is. He asked me whether or not I care if Manny gets beaten to a pulp.
He says being an actor I would probably get more compassion and understanding from the people in my life, but the
men Manny is surrounded by will never show him any kindness. He'll get
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