behind her back and she was biting her lip. She looked almost
nervous, except that Rachel was never nervous.
I sat up
from my bed and waited for her to break the silence.
Her hand
shifted. I realized she was holding something behind her back.
I raised an
eyebrow at her, “What is it?”
She led out
a loud sigh, and then stepped forward as if she might change her mind if she
waited any longer. She dumped the package in front of me, and I waited a minute
before looking down at it.
I couldn’t
stop the smile that came to my face as I stared down at it. Rachel was the best
at apologizing without using words.
It was a
red and white Christmas stocking that said my name on the front of it. It was
stuffed full with cherry-flavored candy canes, which were peeking out from the
top.
This was
the same apology gift Rachel had given me in the 7 th grade, after
she’d kissed my first boyfriend (also, ironically named Ryan) during the last
slow dance of the Winter Formal. It was the same gift she’d given me after my
dog died freshman year (that one was actually not her fault, but she felt guilty that I’d been sleeping over at
her house when it happened). It had become this silly tradition between us, and
even though it didn’t change any of the horrible things she’d said, it still made
me smile.
“How’d you
find candy canes in July?”
“Believe
me, it was harder than you’d think. I would have apologized sooner, but I
didn’t want to show up empty handed and it took a while to get that stocking
monogrammed.”
I nodded
absently.
She eyed the
edge of my bed awkwardly, for once waiting for my permission to sit.
“You can
sit down. I’m not going to bite you.”
“Promise?”
“You know I
don’t make promises,” I said teasingly.
She looked
down at the stocking of overflowing candy canes between us, and then sat down
on the other side of it.
“I’ve never
regretted anything I’ve said more.”
“Wow,” I
snorted, “You’ve said some pretty awful things.”
“I know…”
she paused. “I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you…I’m sorry.”
Now it was
my turn to sigh. “I know you are, Rachel.”
“That
doesn’t sound like you accepting my apology.”
When
provoked, Rachel could, at a moment’s notice turn into this monster that seemed
to know exactly what to say to make someone feel infinitely small.
I'd seen
her do it numerous times, to me, Ash, her parents, anyone. But revealing my
deepest secret, to perhaps the last two people I ever wanted to know was a new
low, even for her.
Still, I
knew she really was sorry. I also knew it wouldn’t be the last time she would
do something like this. But I certainly wasn’t a saint, and I’d had my fair
share of screw ups too. And though Rachel was slow to apologize, she had always
been quick to forgive.
There was
no explaining it to anyone else, but Rachel and I could forgive each other for
anything. After all, wasn’t that what it meant to love someone unconditionally?
“Fine,” I
said abruptly. “I’ll forgive you, on one condition.”
I took a
breath, anticipating her resistance. "Apologize to Ashton," I
finished.
It was
amazing how quickly her face reverted back to the hard mask she normally wore
when she wasn’t feeling guilty or apologetic.
I sighed,
"Rachel, you know she wouldn’t have said that if she knew... if you would
tell her..."
"I’m
not telling her a damned thing. And why should I bother apologizing? I’ve never
liked her, and I don’t see the point in pretending."
"Well,
fine then,” I looked away, “Forget it."
"Eli,"
she sighed. " Seriously ?"
I shook my
head, "If you’re not going to be friends the least you can do is be civil.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask for."
"It is
a lot to ask for."
I shrugged.
She pouted at me, like I was one of those boys that lusted after her, as if I
could ever be swayed by her ridiculous expression. I raised an eyebrow.
"I
can't believe I'm doing this,"
nervous, except that Rachel was never nervous.
I sat up
from my bed and waited for her to break the silence.
Her hand
shifted. I realized she was holding something behind her back.
I raised an
eyebrow at her, “What is it?”
She led out
a loud sigh, and then stepped forward as if she might change her mind if she
waited any longer. She dumped the package in front of me, and I waited a minute
before looking down at it.
I couldn’t
stop the smile that came to my face as I stared down at it. Rachel was the best
at apologizing without using words.
It was a
red and white Christmas stocking that said my name on the front of it. It was
stuffed full with cherry-flavored candy canes, which were peeking out from the
top.
This was
the same apology gift Rachel had given me in the 7 th grade, after
she’d kissed my first boyfriend (also, ironically named Ryan) during the last
slow dance of the Winter Formal. It was the same gift she’d given me after my
dog died freshman year (that one was actually not her fault, but she felt guilty that I’d been sleeping over at
her house when it happened). It had become this silly tradition between us, and
even though it didn’t change any of the horrible things she’d said, it still made
me smile.
“How’d you
find candy canes in July?”
“Believe
me, it was harder than you’d think. I would have apologized sooner, but I
didn’t want to show up empty handed and it took a while to get that stocking
monogrammed.”
I nodded
absently.
She eyed the
edge of my bed awkwardly, for once waiting for my permission to sit.
“You can
sit down. I’m not going to bite you.”
“Promise?”
“You know I
don’t make promises,” I said teasingly.
She looked
down at the stocking of overflowing candy canes between us, and then sat down
on the other side of it.
“I’ve never
regretted anything I’ve said more.”
“Wow,” I
snorted, “You’ve said some pretty awful things.”
“I know…”
she paused. “I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you…I’m sorry.”
Now it was
my turn to sigh. “I know you are, Rachel.”
“That
doesn’t sound like you accepting my apology.”
When
provoked, Rachel could, at a moment’s notice turn into this monster that seemed
to know exactly what to say to make someone feel infinitely small.
I'd seen
her do it numerous times, to me, Ash, her parents, anyone. But revealing my
deepest secret, to perhaps the last two people I ever wanted to know was a new
low, even for her.
Still, I
knew she really was sorry. I also knew it wouldn’t be the last time she would
do something like this. But I certainly wasn’t a saint, and I’d had my fair
share of screw ups too. And though Rachel was slow to apologize, she had always
been quick to forgive.
There was
no explaining it to anyone else, but Rachel and I could forgive each other for
anything. After all, wasn’t that what it meant to love someone unconditionally?
“Fine,” I
said abruptly. “I’ll forgive you, on one condition.”
I took a
breath, anticipating her resistance. "Apologize to Ashton," I
finished.
It was
amazing how quickly her face reverted back to the hard mask she normally wore
when she wasn’t feeling guilty or apologetic.
I sighed,
"Rachel, you know she wouldn’t have said that if she knew... if you would
tell her..."
"I’m
not telling her a damned thing. And why should I bother apologizing? I’ve never
liked her, and I don’t see the point in pretending."
"Well,
fine then,” I looked away, “Forget it."
"Eli,"
she sighed. " Seriously ?"
I shook my
head, "If you’re not going to be friends the least you can do is be civil.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask for."
"It is
a lot to ask for."
I shrugged.
She pouted at me, like I was one of those boys that lusted after her, as if I
could ever be swayed by her ridiculous expression. I raised an eyebrow.
"I
can't believe I'm doing this,"
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