Love Virtually by Daniel Glattauer Page A

could be her!” About another she said, “That’s probably her!” And about the third she said, “You’d fall in love with that one!”
    Thirty seconds later
    Re: !!!!!!
    WHICH ONE WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH?????
    Forty seconds later
    Re: !!!!!!
    Dear Emmi,
    There’s absolutely no way I’m EVER going to tell you that. Please spare yourself the effort of trying to drag it out of me. Have a nice evening. Thanks for the exciting “game.” I really like you, Emmi!
    Yours,
    Leo
    Twenty-five seconds later
    Re: !!!!!!
    The blond with the large breasts, right?
    Fifty seconds later
    Re: !!!!!!
    Forget it, Emmi dear!
    One minute later
    Re: !!!!!!
    An evasive answer is an answer nonetheless. The blond with the large breasts it is, then!
    The following evening
    Subject: A bad day
    Dear Leo,
    Did you have a good day today? Mine was awful. Good evening, good night.
    Emmi
    (By the way, when you think of Emmi now, which Emmi comes to mind? I hope you are still thinking of Emmi!)
    Three and a half hours later
    Re: A bad day
    When I think of Emmi, I don’t think of any of the three Emmis described by my sister, but of the fourth one, my one. And yes, of course I’m still thinking about Emmi. Why didn’t you have a good day? What was so awful about it? Good night, good morning.
    Yours,
    Leo
    The following day
    Subject: A good day!
    Good morning. So you see, dear Leo, this is how a good day begins for me! I open my in-box and find a message from Leo Leike. Yesterday: bad day. No email from Leo. Not one. Not a single one. Not even a hint of one. What promise does a day like that hold? Leo, I need to tell you something: I think we should stop. I’m beginning to get addicted to you. I can’t spend my entire day waiting for emails from a man who turns his back on me when he meets me, who doesn’t want to get to know me, who only wants me to email him, who uses my words to construct a woman of his own making, because the presence of real women probably pushes him way beyond his comfort level. I can’t go on like this. It’s unrewarding. Do you understand me, Leo?
    Two hours later
    Re: A good day!
    O.K., I understand you. But I’ve got four questions, which I shall set out in strict accordance with the Rothner formula:
    1) Do you want to get to know me in person?
    2) Why?
    3) Where will it lead?
    4) Should your husband know about it?
    Half an hour later
    Re: A good day!
    Re: 1) Do I want to get to know you in person? Of course I do. Personally is preferable to impersonally, don’t you think?
    Re: 2) Why? I’ll only know the answer to that when we’ve gotten to know each other.
    Re: 3) Where will it lead? It will lead to wherever it leads. And if it didn’t lead there, then it shouldn’t. So it will only lead to where it should lead.
    Re: 4) Should my husband know about it? I’ll only know the answer to that when I know where it’s leading.
    Five minutes later
    Re: A good day!
    So would you cheat on your husband?
    One minute later
    Re: A good day!
    That’s not what I said.
    Forty seconds later
    Re: A good day!
    I’m inferring it.
    Thirty-five seconds later
    Re: A good day!
    Be careful that you don’t infer too much.
    Two minutes later
    Re: A good day!
    What is it your husband can’t give you?
    Fifteen seconds later
    Re: A good day!
    Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. What gives you the impression there’s something he can’t give me?
    Fifty seconds later
    Re: A good day!
    I’m inferring it.
    Thirty seconds later
    Re: A good day!
    From what are you inferring it? (You’re beginning to get on my nerves with your language psychologist’s inference.)
    Ten minutes later
    Re: A good day!
    I’m inferring it from the way you lead me to understand that you want something from me. You won’t be able to say what it is until we’ve met. But there’s no doubt that you DO want something from me. Or put another way: