haven’t won him over with my charming personality?
It would take a lump hammer to charm Quin.
I’ll go buy one.
Get the super family pack, I wrote. You’ll likely need more than one.
I will. But your doctors agree with Quin, and I think Xavier agrees with them. He kept making them takeneuroscans on me. At first Xavier thought you were the one messing ME up. He was really angry. Well, no, he was all stiff and dark sounding, but that’s how he gets angry, now he’s older. Quin thinks it’s the other way around, that I’m the one who hurt you. Are you sure Quin’s not right? I mean … my brain is weird. You said so yourself. If I wasn’t all stass twisted, would you be hospitalized at thelab right now?
Rose, you are who you are. There’s no ‘if’ about it. You can have no one’s life but yours.
But my life just sent you into convulsions.
I closed my eyes. Whatever it was
,
I wrote carefully, it wasn’t you.
She didn’t answer.
So what are you dreaming that’s making you feel guilty? I frequently asked her about her dreams. I’d realized several months ago that Rose’s dreams usuallyspoke more for Rose’s world as it really was than her conscious mind.
You’re turning inside out. I’m in the pool and I’ve reached inside your head and turned you inside out. There was a long pause before she added, There was a lot of blood. They had to drain the pool.
That probably had more to do with clearing my DNA out of the filters. I told you. I don’t own my own blood. UniCorp does. Anywhereany of us get hurt they bleach out immediately, and we’re not allowed to throw away any of our clothes or sheets. We have to incinerate any hair we comb out.
There was a hesitation before she wrote, There was a lot of blood.
I realized something. You’ve never seen anything like that, have you.
Not in person, no. Not with anyone I cared about.
She’d missed the Dark Times. She hadn’t grown upwith the memory of all that death in the social consciousness. I’m sorry.
It’s okay.
You’d be saying that even if it wasn’t.
Probably. Oh, honestly, Otto, am I supposed to get mad at you for nearly dying at my birthday party? It’s not as if you did it on purpose.
No.
You sure it wasn’t me?
Yes.
Otto?
Yes?
Is this likely to happen again?
(
Of course it is! Again and again until it finallywins … and you become just like me.)
I closed my eyes to block the laughter out of my head.
‘I got rid of you two years ago,
’ I told 42.
‘Shoo.’
(You never got rid of me. You just stopped paying attention.)
Rose was still linked up. You’re not answering my question. I take it I won’t like the answer?
I hedged. What did Xavier and my doctor say?
Nothing about you. Only that you were gettingthe best care possible.
So, then.
Otto, are you dying?
I blinked at the screen. Wow. She just came right out and said it. I could just picture her face as she wrote it, too. Hard and pale, as it always got when she asked tough questions of people.
(Tell her the truth.)
‘I don’t want to.’
Talk to me, Rose begged.
What do you want me to say?
The truth.
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want tolie to her.
She realized that. Oh, hell. If everything was fine, you’d have said so.
She was right. She wasn’t stupid, Rose. I’m scared
,
I finally wrote. I didn’t think I’d be so scared.
There was nothing on the other line for a long, long time. I was afraid of what was happening, what I couldn’t see on the other side of the screen. Finally my screen dinged. I don’t know what I’d do withoutyou.
Carry on, my love.
What?
Read it again. The words are still on the screen.
That’s all you can say? Just go on?
Yes. Go on. There are no other choices. That’s what I did. It’s what we all do when we lose people. Keep living.
That’s not fair.
Life isn’t fair. I thought you’d figured that out a while ago.
Shut up!
Easy enough, I wrote dryly.
I can’t believe you’re just accepting
It would take a lump hammer to charm Quin.
I’ll go buy one.
Get the super family pack, I wrote. You’ll likely need more than one.
I will. But your doctors agree with Quin, and I think Xavier agrees with them. He kept making them takeneuroscans on me. At first Xavier thought you were the one messing ME up. He was really angry. Well, no, he was all stiff and dark sounding, but that’s how he gets angry, now he’s older. Quin thinks it’s the other way around, that I’m the one who hurt you. Are you sure Quin’s not right? I mean … my brain is weird. You said so yourself. If I wasn’t all stass twisted, would you be hospitalized at thelab right now?
Rose, you are who you are. There’s no ‘if’ about it. You can have no one’s life but yours.
But my life just sent you into convulsions.
I closed my eyes. Whatever it was
,
I wrote carefully, it wasn’t you.
She didn’t answer.
So what are you dreaming that’s making you feel guilty? I frequently asked her about her dreams. I’d realized several months ago that Rose’s dreams usuallyspoke more for Rose’s world as it really was than her conscious mind.
You’re turning inside out. I’m in the pool and I’ve reached inside your head and turned you inside out. There was a long pause before she added, There was a lot of blood. They had to drain the pool.
That probably had more to do with clearing my DNA out of the filters. I told you. I don’t own my own blood. UniCorp does. Anywhereany of us get hurt they bleach out immediately, and we’re not allowed to throw away any of our clothes or sheets. We have to incinerate any hair we comb out.
There was a hesitation before she wrote, There was a lot of blood.
I realized something. You’ve never seen anything like that, have you.
Not in person, no. Not with anyone I cared about.
She’d missed the Dark Times. She hadn’t grown upwith the memory of all that death in the social consciousness. I’m sorry.
It’s okay.
You’d be saying that even if it wasn’t.
Probably. Oh, honestly, Otto, am I supposed to get mad at you for nearly dying at my birthday party? It’s not as if you did it on purpose.
No.
You sure it wasn’t me?
Yes.
Otto?
Yes?
Is this likely to happen again?
(
Of course it is! Again and again until it finallywins … and you become just like me.)
I closed my eyes to block the laughter out of my head.
‘I got rid of you two years ago,
’ I told 42.
‘Shoo.’
(You never got rid of me. You just stopped paying attention.)
Rose was still linked up. You’re not answering my question. I take it I won’t like the answer?
I hedged. What did Xavier and my doctor say?
Nothing about you. Only that you were gettingthe best care possible.
So, then.
Otto, are you dying?
I blinked at the screen. Wow. She just came right out and said it. I could just picture her face as she wrote it, too. Hard and pale, as it always got when she asked tough questions of people.
(Tell her the truth.)
‘I don’t want to.’
Talk to me, Rose begged.
What do you want me to say?
The truth.
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want tolie to her.
She realized that. Oh, hell. If everything was fine, you’d have said so.
She was right. She wasn’t stupid, Rose. I’m scared
,
I finally wrote. I didn’t think I’d be so scared.
There was nothing on the other line for a long, long time. I was afraid of what was happening, what I couldn’t see on the other side of the screen. Finally my screen dinged. I don’t know what I’d do withoutyou.
Carry on, my love.
What?
Read it again. The words are still on the screen.
That’s all you can say? Just go on?
Yes. Go on. There are no other choices. That’s what I did. It’s what we all do when we lose people. Keep living.
That’s not fair.
Life isn’t fair. I thought you’d figured that out a while ago.
Shut up!
Easy enough, I wrote dryly.
I can’t believe you’re just accepting
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