Royal Pain in the Ass by Heather Trudy

beamed as she shoved me out.  
    “ Oh my, you look like quite the young lady, ” Carolynn sighed, a huge smile across her face.
    “ I feel like an idiot. ” I grumbled.
    “I ’ ll take you to the good shops next, ” Christine offered with a wink.
    I sighed.   Somehow the prospect of more shopping didn ’ t enthuse me.   I wandered over to Ian.   “ How do I get out? ”
    Ian laughed.   “You don ’ t.”
    “ What do I do? ”
    “ You deal with it? ”
    I turned to Carolynn.   “ Is it too late to go back to America? ”
    “Yes, darling.  I ’ m afraid it is. ” Carolynn smiled.  “ This really isn ’ t your cup of tea, is it dearie? ”
    “ The last time I went shopping for clothes was before I interviewed for a scholarship, ” I grumbled.   “ Now I learn I have a duke for a dad. . . this is weird still. ” I sighed.   At the next shop we met up with Amelia.   Ian gave her a kiss on the cheek, and they held hands but something wasn ’ t right.   “ Ian, can I borrow you? ”
    “ Um . . . sure, ”
    I pulled Ian over to a rack of clothes.   “ So, who ’ s the girl who broke your heart? ”
    “ What do you mean? ”
    “You ’ re in love with someone else, ”
    “ I am not!   I love Amelia, ”
    “ I never said you didn ’ t.  I just said you ’ re in love with someone else. ”
    “ I think you ’ ve had too much shopping for a day, ”
    “ I think I ’ ve had too much of whatever Christine is on, ” I laughed.   “ Give me some of that to put in my pipe to smoke and everyone would be happy. ”
    “Lana, let ’ s get some lunch, ” Ian practically shouted as he stormed back over to Amelia and gave her a long kiss.   I noticed Lana was paying exceptional attention to the scarves.   Somehow, I just didn ’ t think scarves were what had her attention.   I had a funny feeling I shouldn ’ t say anything else, so taking Lana ’ s own advice, for a change, I kept my mouth shut.   I meandered over to Christine who was gushing about the new fashions she loved and hated and handed me an armful.
    “ Want to help me make some outfits? ” I offered.
    “Sure!” Christine pulled me into a dressing room and I kind of felt like Barbie.   She was just dressing me.
    “ I have a question, ”
    “ What ’ s that? ”
    “ What ’ s going on between Lana and Ian? ”
    “ Um . . . ask them? ”
    I sighed.   “ You can ’ t tell me then? ”
    “It ’ s not really my place. ”
    “ Can you tell me anything? ”
    “ You look amazing in red. ” Christine beamed.
    “ About them?   Like what should I not say? ”
    Christine looked serious for a moment.   “Don ’ t talk about it.   They ’ re both in denial. It ’ s cute and sad.   Now, let ’ s talk about something happy, like which shoes we ’ re going to get to match that top.   It really looks stunning on you. ”
    An hour later we were sitting at a little bistro eating sandwiches the size of my pinky drinking tea.   “ Anything else, your highnesses? ” the waiter asked.
    “ About fifty more of these? ” I asked.   The waiter gave me a disgusted look but walked off none the same.
    Ian was paying exceptional attention to Amelia who was talking about her cat in great detail.   I don’ t know about him, but I really don ’ t care about her having to clip her Himalayan ’ s claws so he didn ’ t destroy the antique furniture.   Call it a hunch, but I had a funny feeling he was about as interested as I was.    I kicked Ian under the table.   He scowled at me.   “ What? ”
    “ Can we run away yet? ”
    Ian shook his head, but I caught that smile on his face.   “No,”
    “ Christine is in the tinkle palace, Lana is paying everything else attention, Carolynn is arguing with the hostess, and Amelia is so absorbed in herself that if we gave her a mirror I doubt she ’ d notice if we left. ”
    “No,” Ian replied flatly after a moment.
    I hung my head.   “ You were my last hope.