Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls by Tellulah Darling

approach. I hope he’s smiling with me, not at me.
    “First time single, long time glider?” I ask. It’s the best I can do.
    “Sadly,” he replies, “long time single too.”
    I take note of his T-shirt visible under his open jacket, featuring Calvin and Hobbes as Han Solo and Chewbacca.
    “Great shirt,” I state. “Except as sidekicks go, Hobbes in his natural state is a billion times cooler than Chewie.”
    He frowns and looks down at the image.
    Test. He thinks Star Wars is: a) okay, b) the greatest film ever made or c) not a tale but the guiding truth. If B or C, then even for casual hooking up, I’d have to cross him off the list. Between the guys in my honors classes and those in the environmental movement, I’ve had that film shoved down my throat more times than I can stomach. There’s not enough sex appeal in the world that can overcome that obsession for me.
    He grins. “I agree, but Calvin’s just a kid so we gotta cut him some slack for his fantasies.”
    Passed with flying colors.
    And just like that, we’re having a conversation. It’s fun. And yes, even a little flirty.
    I see that predictably Sam has found a willowy redhead, but I’m happy for us both.
    The next half hour passes really quickly. Marcus, my Calvin and Hobbes guy and I are having an awesome time. I don’t remember talking this much in forever. It makes me realize how much Jeremy dominated everything.
    I expound upon my current point. “It’s a basic signal of attraction. The female tosses her hair, allowing her to expose her armpit and releasing pheromones. That draws her prospective mate in.”
    “Uh… That’s complicated,” Marcus says.
    “Not really. See what happens is—”
    “Back in a second, okay? I’ve got to check something.”
    He takes off. Sam arrives.
    “What did you do to him?”
    “Nothing. We were talking.”
    “You were lecturing,” Sam admonishes. “Poor guy looked like there was going to be a quiz. You completely intimidated him.”
    “Did not.”
    “Did you flirt at all? Did you embody Falco?”
    “Yes!”
    Sam looks doubtful.
    “I encouraged him to talk about himself. I laughed at his jokes.”
    “But for the other twenty-eight minutes?”
    To my total shock, I see Marcus walking with some petite brunette. He says something to her. She looks at me and as she passes says “Wow. She sounds really smart.”
    Said as if I have leprosy and punctuated with a giggle.
    Fuck me. It’s happened again. Here I thought I was the lead object of desirability but I got blindsided by a midget who wriggles her nose when she talks. Probably to access brain function.
    “This isn’t going to work,” I tell Sam.
    “Fine. Cave. Pretty sucky scientist to bail as soon as results aren’t as expected.”
    “Like I’ll fall for your pathetic attempt at reverse psychology.”
    “Okay. You’re a big chicken.”
    “Hey!”
    He clucks at me. “You can stick to your comfort zone and dry up till your enchanted garden shrivels from drought or stick with me and have girls like her dying of envy.”
    I hear the brunette giggle again. I won’t lie. It grates like nails on a chalkboard. “Promise?”
    “Swear. Go do your crazy pretend you’re a bird thing. You’ll feel better.”
    The redhead arrives. She places her arm on Sam and smiles warmly at me. Oh man. What did he tell this one?
    “I hope you don’t mind if I steal your brother.”
    Brother? “He’s all yours.”
    “It’s sweet how worried he is about you after your breakup.”
    Pimping my tragedy for a hook up? Sam knows I’m going to kill him, but he also knows that I won’t bust him so he’s looking pretty smug.
    “Sam’s the best. And I’m so glad he has someone to take him through his first flight.”
    “Flight?” Sam looks green just talking about it. “Uh. No. I don’t paraglide. I just came to support Ally.”
    The redhead claps her hands in delight. “A first timer.”
    “Total virgin,” I say sweetly. This entire