Searching for Beautiful by Nyrae Dawn

Funny, how before this I didn’t realize I had those two parts. I didn’t realize they could work against each other so strongly. Before I actually fell for him, I never would have been the girl to fall for lies.
    I can’t help but wonder if all girls think that. If they all think I’m stupid because they don’t believe it can happen to them.
    It can.
    Anyway, the logical part wants to take that glass jar and smash it against a wall. To take a sledgehammer to it over and over until there’s nothing left but tiny shards of glass so small, so insignificant, they can no longer hurt me. As fine as sand.
    Still, after lying in bed for another hour, sleep not a possibility, I get up and sit at my computer desk. Hating myself more with each letter typed, I do what I’ve done a million and one times since June. I Google Jason Richter.
    Being the girl who was dumb enough to fall for Jason sucks.
    Being the one who somehow misses him is unforgivable.
    …
    When I walk down the hallway at school, it’s obvious the novelty hasn’t worn off. I’m not sure what I expected. That overnight people would realize I’m not contagious? It doesn’t happen, though.
    What does happen is I get called into the counselor’s office during first period.
    I wring my hands as Mrs. Wilson stares at me. I see it in her, too…the questions, accusations. Am I the victim here, or Brynn the man-eater? The girl who tried to get Jason in her trap?
    “How are you doing?” She pushes a strand of black hair behind her ear, leaning back in her chair. It’s such a psychologist move, something I’ve seen in a million different movies.
    “Awesome.” I mean, really? How does she think I’m doing? I hate it when people ask questions they know the answer to.
    “You’re right. Dumb question.” She rolls a pencil between her fingers. “So, I know you skipped school yesterday afternoon. You’re not in trouble this time. We’re trying to be…sensitive to your situation, but you can’t do that, okay? Next time I won’t have a choice except to give you detention.”
    I have to bite my tongue not to reply the way I want to. Detention? Oh no! It’s strange the things that would have been a punishment before, but now? It might even be a welcome distraction. A way to escape from Dad’s silence, while his eyes question. His pain that I don’t have to look in a mirror to know reflects in me as well.
    So instead of saying that, I nod.
    “Did anything happen yesterday? Someone say something? I’m always here if you need to talk.” Her eyes crinkle a little, giving me “the look.” Pity. I don’t know what’s better, pity or the emptiness I get from others.
    “No.” My eyes find the ground, conflicting emotions warring inside me. There’s a part of me that actually wants to talk to her. Talk to someone, but I think there’s a block inside me. A huge wall, made by unknown hands that won’t let me talk about Jason. About the baby or how I feel. About Dad or even Mom. That barrier is still there, holding me back.
    “Are you sure?”
    “Yep.” My eyes find hers, hoping they prove my lie isn’t…well, a lie.
    “Okay. I know this must be a difficult time for you, Brynn. Please know I’m always, always here if you want to talk, okay?”
    Tell me you believe me, and the walls might come down. They might crack or crumble. “Okay.”
    “I’ve talked to your dad and we’re concerned. We know you’re not socializing with your friends anymore. That’s not good for you.”
    “I’m fine.”
    She sighs. “You have two choices. You can talk to me a couple times a week, or you can go to the community center in town. There are other girls your age and it would help if you talked to them—made some friends. They have many different programs and there’s even art classes and pottery supplies you can use. You need to try to get back to how life was before. Make some more friends. And hopefully talk.”
    What good will talking do? It’s not going to