Short Stories To Tickle Your Funnybone by Robert Thornhill Page A

the heck is female fudge?” Jerry
asked.
“No nuts!” Dad replied.
“So how do you know it’s female fudge
and not eunuch fudge?”
“Because we didn’t make the fudge with
nuts in the first place and then pick them out,
smart ass. This fudge was born without nuts!”
The pizza guy showed up bearing boxes of
the tasty pies and we all dug in.
As we were filling our plates, Jerry asked
Willie if he knew what would happen if he ate the
Christmas decorations.
Willie, of course, didn’t have a clue.
“You’d get tinsel-itus!
“You’re crazy, man! Get away from me!”
When we were all stuffed to the gills, Jerry
announced that is was time to exchange gifts.
Apparently he had drawn my name and he
looked on expectantly as I opened my gift.
It was a little box that had a guy on the
front with the word ‘Poof!’ coming out his rear
end.
I looked at him quizzically.
“It’s a fart machine!” he announced.
“Remote control
--you
can
put
it
under
someone’s chair and make it fart from across the
room. Very
high-tech --much better than a
whoopee cushion.”
Maggie gave me the ‘look’. “Don’t even
think about it!”
“Maybe you could use it at your squad
room. I’ll bet it would be a big hit.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it would. Thanks, Jerry,
I’ve always wanted one of these.”
He beamed.
Dad had drawn Bernice’s name and
judging from the box, he had spent some time in
Victoria’s Secret.
Bernice squealed as she pulled the lacey
thong from the box.
I had to look away. The last thing I wanted
was the image
of eighty-six
year old Bernice
wearing the thing burned into my memory.
Ox had drawn Judy’s name and everyone
‘awwwwed’ when she pulled a charm bracelet
from the box.
The charms were all miniature handguns,
revolvers and automatics of every description.
“I love it!” she gushed and gave Ox a big
kiss.
He blushed.
After all the gifts had been exchanged,
Jerry strode to the center of the room with a small
tablet in his hand.
“I wrote something special for our evening
together. I hope you all enjoy it.”
    Twas the night before Christmas
And my friends are all here.
We’ll laugh and have fun
And spread holiday cheer.
    We’re all overjoyed
To see our friend, Mary.
She just went through a trial
That was really quite scary.
    There was a good lesson
That each of us learned.
Don’t mess with this gal
Or you’re gonna get burned.
    There’s Dad and Bernice
And I hope there’s a chance
That before they arrive
He’ll zip up his pants!
    This year our friend Ox
Has got a new squeeze.
From what I’ve been told
The girl’s quite a tease.
    She’ll laugh and she’ll giggle
And call you sweet names
But if you get her pissed off
She’ll blow out your brains!
    And here’s to Ed Jacobs
Our newest recruit.
He can kick a guy’s ass
And he really can shoot.
As a brand new cop
He could sure raise the ante
If he could somehow arrest
That old vigilante.
    And who could forget Willie
The guy from the street.
He’s mended his ways
And he’s really quite sweet.
    Throughout our fine building
He’s been known to roam.
All that we ask is
Keep your chitlins at home!
    Then there’s the Professor
Our venerable sage.
He gets around pretty good
For a man of his age.
    With a good constitution
And a strong, healthy heart
He’s in pretty good shape
For such an old fart!
    Here’s to Maggie and Walt
Our newly wed pair.
They’ve built their new nest
Up here in the air.
    We all wish them well
In their life that’s ahead.
And may they be happy
Especially in bed!
    As I look around
At my friends that are here.
I know in my heart
They’re the presents most dear.
    And my Christmas prayer
And I know that it’s right.
Is Merry Christmas to all
And to all a goodnight!
Everyone sat in silence.
    The guy could be so goofy one minute and
so lovable the next.
**********************************
An excerpt from Lady Justice and the Vigilante http://booksbybob.com/lady-justice-and-thevigilante_362.html
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