Short Stories To Tickle Your Funnybone by Robert Thornhill Page B

the night of the party, I headed over to
Ox’s apartment to pick him up. It wasn’t my idea.
I told Maggie that Ox was a grown man and could
find his way to the Union Hall all by himself, but
she insisted. She said that as best man, it was my
duty. So off I went.
    We
arrived
at the
Hall
right at seven
o’clock.
Dad and Bernice had been in charge of the
decorations and when we walked in the door, I
thought I had been whisked back in time fifty
years to my senior prom.
Helium balloons graced every table and
crepe paper was strung from anything that was
fastened down.
There was one of those goofy things that
fold out and make a noise when you blow into
them, and little bags of confetti at every chair.
I didn’t know who was going to be
responsible for clean up after the shindig was over.
I just hoped that it wasn’t me.
Maggie was in charge of the food. At this
late date during the holiday, she couldn’t find
someone to cater the event, so she opted for one of
those ‘covered dish’ deals.
She had made a run to Kentucky Fried
Chicken for buckets of wings. Guests were to
bring a favorite dish of their own.
We had warned Willie to leavehis chitlins’
at home.
The buffet table was loaded with salads,
desserts and casseroles of every
description.
Someone had even brought brightly colored Jell-o
cubes in various shades and flavors.
The Professor had been drafted to be the
emcee for the evening, and at the appointed hour,
he called the gathering to order and welcomed
everyone.
After a word of blessing from Pastor Bob,
everyone made a dash to the buffet line.
The wedding party was first in line.
I marveled at the food heaped on Ox’s
plate. He’s a big dude with an appetite to match.
Being the first in line, we were the first
ones finished.
I
was
stuffed, but Ox
went back
for
seconds and then thirds of the BBQ wings and
little Jell-o cubes.
“I didn’t know you were such a Jell-o fan,”
I observed.
“Me neither,” he said with a goofy grin.
“but this stuff is REALLY good. Never had this
flavor before.”
Dad leaned over and whispered with a
smile, “That’s not just Jell-o --that’s SUPER Jell-
o. Made it myself.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jell-o shots. You make them with vodka
instead of water. They pack a mean punch.”
I looked back at Ox as he was stuffing
another big green blob in his mouth. He gave me
another goofy grin.
I had never seen Ox loopy before. He was
obviously going to be a silly drunk.
When everyone
had polished off
their
dessert, Jerry took the podium.
He had volunteered to be in charge of
entertainment and that could mean anything.
Naturally, being a stand-up comic, he had
to begin with a whole succession of marriage
jokes.
After
a
few zingers and one-liners, he
handed Ox a little bag.
“Here buddy, this is for you. Keep it as a
reminder of a very important principle in married
life.”
Ox pulled a pair of lace panties out of the
bag.
“Two newly weds were on their
honeymoon,” Jerry began. “As they undress for
bed, the husband tosses his pants to his bride and
says, ‘Here, put these on.’ She puts them on, but
the waist is twice the size of her body. ‘I can’t
wear your pants,’ she says. ‘That’s right, you
can’t, and don’t you ever forget it. I wear the pants
in this family!’ The bride grabbed her panties and
threw them at the groom. ‘Here, try these on.’ The
husband tried but found that only one leg would
fit. ‘Hell’, he says, ‘I can’t get into your panties.’
‘That’s right,’ his bride replied, ‘and if you don’t
change your attitude, you never will!’”
The crowd roared.
I had heard the old joke a hundred times,
but knowing Ox and Judy, it was the perfect fit.
Jerry forged ahead, “Another thing. You
have to be really careful what you say. I heard
about a
guy
who told his wife
that black
underwear turned him on and she didn’t wash his
shorts for a month.”
Jerry was on a roll.
“Every married couple