a huge difference in my mood. She asked me this morning if I am sad about something. If only I could tell her the truth. Instead I look her in the face and tell her everything is fine. Today my mom and dad set up the trampoline. It was fun jumping on it. Next week is spring break. My Aunt Mary called for me to baby-sit and I told her I was busy and couldnât. I was working on my autobiography for school. It is a huge three-hundred-point assignment of our entire lives. The first two chapters are non-fiction. The rest we have to make up. After I told my aunt I couldnât baby-sit she told me she was coming over and I began to panic. My mom told me to chill and to just let my aunt know that I was working on a homework assignment. My mom couldnât understand why I was making such a big issue out of it. If mom knew the terrible truth of the past two years sheâd understand. My aunt came in and talked with my mom, I showed her my autobiography. I refused to baby sit for my aunt who left shortly after visiting. At night I toss and turn in my sleep and see Brianâs face in every dream. I just want someone to take this pain away. Well I am about to watch a movie with the family. Iâll write more during spring break. Erin
MARCH, 1998 9:45 P.M. Iâm sitting in my bedroom in tears. I learned something today that has me very upset. I feel so much guilt and shame. It all began this weekend when Allie and I brought Emily up to Wisconsin. The weekend was going great. We spent most the weekend at the beach or on the trampoline. Today while walking back from the beach Allie turned to Emily and me and said, âBrianâs gross.â I got a lump in my throat and didnât want to believe what Allie just said. For a moment it felt like everything froze in time and Allieâs words echoed through my head. Emily and I immediately looked at each other in shock. We both knew what Allie meant. I went on to ask Allie if Brian had been touching her. Allie looked surprised to hear me asking her and then told us that it was true. By the time we got to our house we all went over to the trampoline and talked. Mom and dad werenât home. As we sat on the trampoline I told Allie that Brian had been touching me for two-years. Allie told us that it only happened three times to her. Together Allie and I knew it was time to go to mom. While sitting on the trampoline I explained to Allie that after we come out about the abuse our lives will never be the same. I told her if the rest of the family found out they might not believe us. Allie went on to tell me what Brian did to her. I learned that he abused her the same Thanksgiving that he did me. He also abused her that night in the basement down by the furnace the same time he tried doing it to me. Right after I went upstairs he went for Allie. Right now I have so much guilt. If only I had told the first time it happened in the condo, Allie wouldnât have to go through this. It is my entire fault. Mom is downstairs right now looking at different music. She was just hired to sing in restaurants and is very excited. By telling her about Brian I will take away her excitement. I told Allie to wait until tomorrow before we told mom. There is no way Iâll be sleeping tonight. After tonight my secret will be exposed and I wonât be so alone. Iâll write tomorrow after we tell mom. All I can do is pray that everything goes ok. Erin
MARCH, 1998 1:45 A.M. It is late here, almost two in the morning. It has been a very long day. My day started off by going to my friend Melissaâs house. We decided to go shopping for the day. While I was at her house Allie was at her best friendâs house. We took our bikes to my house and on the way there I asked Melissa if she had any secrets she kept from her parents. She didnât really know what I was trying to get at so I told her I had a secret my parents didnât know about. The whole way home she tried getting