years for fear they’d eat her alive if she let them surface—those words spewed forth and she didn’t even try to stop them.
“I handled everything else, McCullough. The torture, the mind games, the deprivation. Everything. Because never, not once, did I honestly think you would believe that I could betray my country, betray JMI, betray
you.
But you did. And only then did I break.” She walked to the door, feeling almost as if she were standing outside of herself, watching this happen. “And you. You just sat there and calmly offered it all back to me. No apology, no excuses, just another ugly day in the dirty business of transferring sensitive information.” She shrugged in mock nonchalance. “You win some, you lose some, and occasionally you make a mistake. Can’t take any chances, don’t trust anyone. It’s all part of the game, right? Here’s your job back, no hard feelings.”
She stopped to pull in some air. “You didn’t even ask me if I was all right.” Exhausted and feeling colder than she had in a long, long time, Rae let her arms drop limply to her sides. “I was so stupid. Incredibly, magnificently stupid. But you taught me the final lesson real well, McCullough. There is no such thing as home. No such thing as trust, or loyalty. It all has its limits, its boundaries. Well, I couldn’t spend another minute guessing where the line is drawn. So I came here and made my own boundaries, drew my own lines.”
She was nothing but a hollow shell, yet she kept her gaze fixed on his. “You’re the one crossing them now, Jarrett McCullough. And you can’t have me back, because I don’t exist for you anymore.” She turned and walked out the door.
Jarrett felt battered and beaten in ways that had nothing to do with his recent injuries. He knew he deserved far worse. In that moment he hated himself. Even more, he hated his job. That hatred went deeper thanthe consuming anger that had festered in his conscience like an untreated sore as year after year passed and the need for a man with his skills never seemed to diminish. No matter how good he got, how hard he worked, no matter how many lives he put at risk, no matter how many he kept safe, there was always more to do. There was always another war being fought somewhere. Always more lives on the line. Endlessly. Forever.
Jarrett actually thought he might be sick. And it would serve him right if he was left there to choke in his own vomit. When had he become the monster she’d just described? There was no question that he was one. She hadn’t uttered a single untrue word. When had he gotten so caught up in working for the betterment of the many that he’d lost complete sight of the spirit and integrity of the few? Especially the few who worked for him.
He tried to tell himself that he’d just assumed they were all in it together, that they must feel the same as he did or they wouldn’t be risking their lives. It didn’t wash, though.
Dear God, what had he done to her?
Jarrett grabbed big handfuls of the blanket covering him, the rage growing inside him until the urge to thrash and yell and scream, to hurl things against the wall and shout down the house, was almost uncontrollable. And just as suddenly he wanted to roll onto his side and curl up into a ball and hide within himself until this new awareness went away.
He could do neither. His crippling limitations clawed at him. He’d never needed to control a situationmore, never needed to take action as he did right that instant, and he was forced to do nothing.
He raged against that truth until he could no longer contain it. Reaching out, he grabbed the first thing he touched, the water pitcher. He hurled it against the far wall, but the resulting crash and spray of water did little to quell the fury rising in him.
“Rae!” he roared, even as he knew she’d never come. “Rae!” He yelled her name as loud as he could; it felt as though it were being ripped from his aching throat. He
“I handled everything else, McCullough. The torture, the mind games, the deprivation. Everything. Because never, not once, did I honestly think you would believe that I could betray my country, betray JMI, betray
you.
But you did. And only then did I break.” She walked to the door, feeling almost as if she were standing outside of herself, watching this happen. “And you. You just sat there and calmly offered it all back to me. No apology, no excuses, just another ugly day in the dirty business of transferring sensitive information.” She shrugged in mock nonchalance. “You win some, you lose some, and occasionally you make a mistake. Can’t take any chances, don’t trust anyone. It’s all part of the game, right? Here’s your job back, no hard feelings.”
She stopped to pull in some air. “You didn’t even ask me if I was all right.” Exhausted and feeling colder than she had in a long, long time, Rae let her arms drop limply to her sides. “I was so stupid. Incredibly, magnificently stupid. But you taught me the final lesson real well, McCullough. There is no such thing as home. No such thing as trust, or loyalty. It all has its limits, its boundaries. Well, I couldn’t spend another minute guessing where the line is drawn. So I came here and made my own boundaries, drew my own lines.”
She was nothing but a hollow shell, yet she kept her gaze fixed on his. “You’re the one crossing them now, Jarrett McCullough. And you can’t have me back, because I don’t exist for you anymore.” She turned and walked out the door.
Jarrett felt battered and beaten in ways that had nothing to do with his recent injuries. He knew he deserved far worse. In that moment he hated himself. Even more, he hated his job. That hatred went deeper thanthe consuming anger that had festered in his conscience like an untreated sore as year after year passed and the need for a man with his skills never seemed to diminish. No matter how good he got, how hard he worked, no matter how many lives he put at risk, no matter how many he kept safe, there was always more to do. There was always another war being fought somewhere. Always more lives on the line. Endlessly. Forever.
Jarrett actually thought he might be sick. And it would serve him right if he was left there to choke in his own vomit. When had he become the monster she’d just described? There was no question that he was one. She hadn’t uttered a single untrue word. When had he gotten so caught up in working for the betterment of the many that he’d lost complete sight of the spirit and integrity of the few? Especially the few who worked for him.
He tried to tell himself that he’d just assumed they were all in it together, that they must feel the same as he did or they wouldn’t be risking their lives. It didn’t wash, though.
Dear God, what had he done to her?
Jarrett grabbed big handfuls of the blanket covering him, the rage growing inside him until the urge to thrash and yell and scream, to hurl things against the wall and shout down the house, was almost uncontrollable. And just as suddenly he wanted to roll onto his side and curl up into a ball and hide within himself until this new awareness went away.
He could do neither. His crippling limitations clawed at him. He’d never needed to control a situationmore, never needed to take action as he did right that instant, and he was forced to do nothing.
He raged against that truth until he could no longer contain it. Reaching out, he grabbed the first thing he touched, the water pitcher. He hurled it against the far wall, but the resulting crash and spray of water did little to quell the fury rising in him.
“Rae!” he roared, even as he knew she’d never come. “Rae!” He yelled her name as loud as he could; it felt as though it were being ripped from his aching throat. He
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