room, out of her house, down the mountain—away from McCullough, away from his endless missions, away from herself.
“It isn’t millions,” he said, “but it is thousands. Tens of thousands.” Each word was like a bullet in her back, but she kept going, even as she mentally staggered under the brutality of what he was doing to her. “Most of them innocent civilians. Women and children.” She did stumble, her stomach churning, her throat clogged with a burning panic, her eyes so dry that they hurt. “And they won’t die swiftly.”
Bull’s-eye.
Rae gripped the doorway, her knuckles white with the strength it took to remain upright. He’d been back in her life less than one week and she was already physically exhausted, mentally battered, and emotionally wrecked.
In a sudden move, she swung violently around and stormed to his bedside. She wanted to kill him with her bare hands for what he was doing, and his expression told her he knew it, believed it. And damn his eternal hide, he even understood it.
Yet he didn’t so much as flinch when she leaned overhim, balled the pillowcase on either side of his head in her fists, and shoved her face into his.
“Then I’ll say prayers I no longer believe in for them,” she said raggedly. “Cry tears I don’t have left to spare for them, and relive, in sympathy for them, every moment of the torture I want only to forget.” She tugged at his pillow in silent fury, then flung it away at the same moment she pulled back and straightened. Her chest heaved with the effort it took to keep from screaming. “But I won’t give up my soul for them, McCullough. Or for you. Do you hear me?” Her voice had risen until even she heard the note of desperation, the edge of hysteria that threatened her last shred of control. “I just got it back.”
She took a deep breath, forcing herself to regain control in front of him, forcing him to watch. When she spoke again, her voice was hoarse with emotion, but even. “There was a time when I would have done anything for you. J.M. Incorporated was where I worked, but it was also my home. One like I’d never had. It had rules, regulations, rewards for good behavior, punishment for bad. I understood those rules. Played by them. Reveled in them, dammit.” She forced her fingers to uncurl. He said nothing, his expression still damnably closed. “I was the best courier you ever had. And as much as I hated you and the screwed-up mission that had put me there, I even understood why you left me to rot inside that stinking cell. I knew those rules too. A captured courier becomes persona non grata. I knew that and still I never broke. Never told them a thing.”
“Rae—”
“Don’t you dare,” she whispered furiously. “I got past the hate and despair and focused my energy on what had gone wrong. On why. And when I figured out I’d been set up and that you and JMI were still at risk, I did everything in my power to escape. And I did it. The whole time I thought only of getting back to JMI, to warn you, but also to come back to the only thing I knew. I wanted to come home. I visualized how stunned and surprised everyone would be. I even fantasized that my miraculous survival and the information I had to deliver might even get a response from my cold-as-steel boss.”
She stepped back and hugged herself tightly. “So imagine
my
surprise when I tried to make contact and found out that JMI—that
you
—considered me the enemy. That you hadn’t just given me up for a loss because the mission fell apart and I got caught, but you actually believed the bastard who’d set me up. You thought I’d gone over to the other side.”
She took another step back, clutching at her sweater even as her control slipped through her hands. The words she’d been unable to say that day in his office, when he’d silently read the report she’d flung in his face and then said he’d reinstate her, the words she’d buried deep inside her for two long
“It isn’t millions,” he said, “but it is thousands. Tens of thousands.” Each word was like a bullet in her back, but she kept going, even as she mentally staggered under the brutality of what he was doing to her. “Most of them innocent civilians. Women and children.” She did stumble, her stomach churning, her throat clogged with a burning panic, her eyes so dry that they hurt. “And they won’t die swiftly.”
Bull’s-eye.
Rae gripped the doorway, her knuckles white with the strength it took to remain upright. He’d been back in her life less than one week and she was already physically exhausted, mentally battered, and emotionally wrecked.
In a sudden move, she swung violently around and stormed to his bedside. She wanted to kill him with her bare hands for what he was doing, and his expression told her he knew it, believed it. And damn his eternal hide, he even understood it.
Yet he didn’t so much as flinch when she leaned overhim, balled the pillowcase on either side of his head in her fists, and shoved her face into his.
“Then I’ll say prayers I no longer believe in for them,” she said raggedly. “Cry tears I don’t have left to spare for them, and relive, in sympathy for them, every moment of the torture I want only to forget.” She tugged at his pillow in silent fury, then flung it away at the same moment she pulled back and straightened. Her chest heaved with the effort it took to keep from screaming. “But I won’t give up my soul for them, McCullough. Or for you. Do you hear me?” Her voice had risen until even she heard the note of desperation, the edge of hysteria that threatened her last shred of control. “I just got it back.”
She took a deep breath, forcing herself to regain control in front of him, forcing him to watch. When she spoke again, her voice was hoarse with emotion, but even. “There was a time when I would have done anything for you. J.M. Incorporated was where I worked, but it was also my home. One like I’d never had. It had rules, regulations, rewards for good behavior, punishment for bad. I understood those rules. Played by them. Reveled in them, dammit.” She forced her fingers to uncurl. He said nothing, his expression still damnably closed. “I was the best courier you ever had. And as much as I hated you and the screwed-up mission that had put me there, I even understood why you left me to rot inside that stinking cell. I knew those rules too. A captured courier becomes persona non grata. I knew that and still I never broke. Never told them a thing.”
“Rae—”
“Don’t you dare,” she whispered furiously. “I got past the hate and despair and focused my energy on what had gone wrong. On why. And when I figured out I’d been set up and that you and JMI were still at risk, I did everything in my power to escape. And I did it. The whole time I thought only of getting back to JMI, to warn you, but also to come back to the only thing I knew. I wanted to come home. I visualized how stunned and surprised everyone would be. I even fantasized that my miraculous survival and the information I had to deliver might even get a response from my cold-as-steel boss.”
She stepped back and hugged herself tightly. “So imagine
my
surprise when I tried to make contact and found out that JMI—that
you
—considered me the enemy. That you hadn’t just given me up for a loss because the mission fell apart and I got caught, but you actually believed the bastard who’d set me up. You thought I’d gone over to the other side.”
She took another step back, clutching at her sweater even as her control slipped through her hands. The words she’d been unable to say that day in his office, when he’d silently read the report she’d flung in his face and then said he’d reinstate her, the words she’d buried deep inside her for two long
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