her hearing aid and a huge smile.
If I EVER find another hearing aid on the sidewalk, I’m definitely going to just leave it there. I only hope:
1. I get a decent grade on my global warming project and
2. This ugly rash goes away before school tomorrow
ICK!!!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
I was up and getting ready for school when I noticed I STILL had that rash from my faux cell phone! I almost choked on my minty-fresh, tartar control, extra-brightening, mouthwash-strength, cavity-fighting gel toothpaste.
Now that my crush, Brandon, had finally noticed I was alive, there was NO WAY I was going to school with a rash that made my ear look like it belonged to a severely sunburned Keebler Elf. You know, the ones who bake cookies inside a tree trunk infested with ants, termites, centipedes, and beetles. I always wondered what those brown crunchy things were in their cookies. Ewwww!
Anyway, I knew my mom was NOT going to let me stay home from school unless I was spiking a temperature of at least 289 degrees. Which, BTW, is the same temp she uses to bake her Thanksgiving turkey.
My mom’s life motto is “Hey! Why let a little case of gangrene or leprosy get in the way of achieving a good education?!”
After trying every trick in the book, I finally figured out how to convince my mom I was too ill to go to school. I had to PRETEND to throw up all over myself.
Now, how SICK is THAT?!
I came up with this idea last spring after Brianna had the stomach flu. Mom took time off from work and let my little sister stay home from school for an entire week.
On top of that, she totally pampered Brianna by buying her all of her favorite Disney movies on DVD and a new computer game to keep her occupied while she was in bed.
I think all that vomiting must have really gotten to Mom. About three weeks later, I stayed home from school with a bad case of strep throat and washoping to at least get a couple of new CDs out of it. But all Mom bought me was a cruddy box of Popsicles! And, to make matters worse, they were the really gross low-calorie kind with no sugar. They tasted like frozen pickle juice on a stick. I was like delish!
Thanks a million, Mom!
Me ready for Brianna’s projectile vomiting due to her stomach flu. Yuck!
But I have to admit, Brianna WAS a lot sicker than I was. She couldn’t keep anything down, not even water!
I refused to go anywhere near her unless I was suited up in full “puke protection” gear:Since I was pretty sure Mom was not going to consider my rash serious enough to let me stay home from school, I decided to run downstairs and make a quick batch of phony vomit, aka, “faux puke.” Which I needed because of the rash caused by my faux cell phone. It was just another one of life’s surprising little ironies.
Lucky for me, I was the first one out of bed, which meant I had the kitchen completely to myself for about fifteen minutes. Since things were going to get a little messy, I changed into my old heart pj’s and rushed downstairs.
My secret recipe was easy to make, and it looked and smelled like the real thing:
STAY-HOME-FROM-SCHOOL FAUX VOMIT
1 cup of cooked oatmeal
1/2 cup of sour cream (or buttermilk ranch dressing or anything that smells like rancid, sour milk)
2 chopped cheese sticks (for chunkiness)
1 uncooked egg (for authentic slimy texture)
1 can of split pea soup (for putrid green color)
1/4 cup of raisins (to increase gross-osity) Mix ingredients and simmer over low heat for 2 minutes.
Let mixture cool to warm vomit temperature. Use liberally as needed.
Makes 4 to 5 cups.
WARNING: This stuff is SO gross that it might really make you sick to your stomach and cause you to really throw up. In which case, you will really need to stay home from school!
I poured about 2 cups into a bowl, ran back upstairs to my room, and dumped it down the front of my heart pj’s. Then I yelled down the hall in a really whiney
If I EVER find another hearing aid on the sidewalk, I’m definitely going to just leave it there. I only hope:
1. I get a decent grade on my global warming project and
2. This ugly rash goes away before school tomorrow
ICK!!!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
I was up and getting ready for school when I noticed I STILL had that rash from my faux cell phone! I almost choked on my minty-fresh, tartar control, extra-brightening, mouthwash-strength, cavity-fighting gel toothpaste.
Now that my crush, Brandon, had finally noticed I was alive, there was NO WAY I was going to school with a rash that made my ear look like it belonged to a severely sunburned Keebler Elf. You know, the ones who bake cookies inside a tree trunk infested with ants, termites, centipedes, and beetles. I always wondered what those brown crunchy things were in their cookies. Ewwww!
Anyway, I knew my mom was NOT going to let me stay home from school unless I was spiking a temperature of at least 289 degrees. Which, BTW, is the same temp she uses to bake her Thanksgiving turkey.
My mom’s life motto is “Hey! Why let a little case of gangrene or leprosy get in the way of achieving a good education?!”
After trying every trick in the book, I finally figured out how to convince my mom I was too ill to go to school. I had to PRETEND to throw up all over myself.
Now, how SICK is THAT?!
I came up with this idea last spring after Brianna had the stomach flu. Mom took time off from work and let my little sister stay home from school for an entire week.
On top of that, she totally pampered Brianna by buying her all of her favorite Disney movies on DVD and a new computer game to keep her occupied while she was in bed.
I think all that vomiting must have really gotten to Mom. About three weeks later, I stayed home from school with a bad case of strep throat and washoping to at least get a couple of new CDs out of it. But all Mom bought me was a cruddy box of Popsicles! And, to make matters worse, they were the really gross low-calorie kind with no sugar. They tasted like frozen pickle juice on a stick. I was like delish!
Thanks a million, Mom!
Me ready for Brianna’s projectile vomiting due to her stomach flu. Yuck!
But I have to admit, Brianna WAS a lot sicker than I was. She couldn’t keep anything down, not even water!
I refused to go anywhere near her unless I was suited up in full “puke protection” gear:Since I was pretty sure Mom was not going to consider my rash serious enough to let me stay home from school, I decided to run downstairs and make a quick batch of phony vomit, aka, “faux puke.” Which I needed because of the rash caused by my faux cell phone. It was just another one of life’s surprising little ironies.
Lucky for me, I was the first one out of bed, which meant I had the kitchen completely to myself for about fifteen minutes. Since things were going to get a little messy, I changed into my old heart pj’s and rushed downstairs.
My secret recipe was easy to make, and it looked and smelled like the real thing:
STAY-HOME-FROM-SCHOOL FAUX VOMIT
1 cup of cooked oatmeal
1/2 cup of sour cream (or buttermilk ranch dressing or anything that smells like rancid, sour milk)
2 chopped cheese sticks (for chunkiness)
1 uncooked egg (for authentic slimy texture)
1 can of split pea soup (for putrid green color)
1/4 cup of raisins (to increase gross-osity) Mix ingredients and simmer over low heat for 2 minutes.
Let mixture cool to warm vomit temperature. Use liberally as needed.
Makes 4 to 5 cups.
WARNING: This stuff is SO gross that it might really make you sick to your stomach and cause you to really throw up. In which case, you will really need to stay home from school!
I poured about 2 cups into a bowl, ran back upstairs to my room, and dumped it down the front of my heart pj’s. Then I yelled down the hall in a really whiney
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