Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg

hated me
 I told you I could hear their voices dying with a dying fall
     I don’t think they hate you
  I just think they were surprised to see you dressed like that
     They’ve always hated me 
     I just don’t think they were expecting you to come in shouting
  “I am Lazarus, come from the dead, come back to tell you all”
     well I’m sorry
I’m sorry I’m not Prince Hamlet or whatever
 Sorry to be an easy tool
     No one thinks you’re a tool
  It’s just a weird thing to do at a dinner party

     what are you doing
 like right now
     working 
     good good
that’s good
 do you think I should eat a peach
     what
  right now?
     yeah 
     do you want to eat a peach? 
     idk
 yeah
     then you should eat a peach 
     yeah
 could you give me a ride?
     right now? 
     yeah 
     i’m at work 
     i know 
     where do you need a ride to? 
     the store 
     what store 
     i need a peach 
     can it wait? 
     not really
there’s like
a bunch of mermaids here
 and they definitely hate me
     I don’t know where that is 
     can we go back to that oyster restaurant
 maybe they have peaches
     I can’t leave work to go buy you a peach right now 
     that’s okay
that’s fine
the mermaids keep singing about drowning me
 but I’ll probably be fine
     okay
okay
  tell me where you are and I’ll come get you
     awesome
 and then we can go get peaches?
     yes
  we can go get peaches
     okay 
     I’ll be there in fifteen minutes 
     do you think I would look good with rolled trousers
like if I rolled up the cuffs
 I think they would make my legs look less skinny
     I don’t know
  Probably
     actually
 I don’t know if I want a peach anymore
     oh my god 
     buuutttt
you should still come get me
 let’s go out somewhere

Virginia Woolf
     OH MY GOD MOM
WHAT DID I SAY I NEED TO WRITE FICTION
I NEEDED MONEY AND I NEED A ROOM OF MY OWN
NOT A ROOM YOU COME INTO WHEN I’M GONE AND CLEAN UP
AND REARRANGE EVERYTHING AND GO THROUGH MY STUFF
THIS IS MY ROOM
STAY OUT
I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN READING MY JOURNALS
UNDER THE GUISE OF “TIDYING UP”
SO GUESS WHAT
MY FICTION IS THAT YOU’RE AN UTTER BITCH
 TIDY THAT UP

William Faulkner
     you know what would be nice 
     what 
     if you could just ravel out into time
that would be nice
it would be nice if you could just
 ravel out into time
     i guess that could be nice 
     but first you have to get ready to stay dead a long time 
     well 
     that’s all that living is really 
     i guess technically 
     lets start now
ill go first
im a seed in the earth
you go next
(get ready to be dead)
 (be a wet seed wild in the hot blind earth)
     I
  okay
     youre not very good at this game 
     i guess not
  sorry
     its ok
my mother is a fish
and im a lot older than a lot of people who have died
and any live man is better than any dead man
but no live or dead man is much better than any other live
or dead man
 so i understand
     oh that’s
  that’s good

     hey i got you something 
     oh
you did?
  Oh
     i give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire 
     wow 
     not that you will remember time but that you might forget it
 now and then
     sure
sure
  I can see how that would be a good thing
     i knew youd like it :) 

     do you know what i hate 
     no
  what do you hate
     clocks 
     oh
  how come
     father said clocks slay time
time is dead as long as its being clicked off
by those little wheels
 thats how they killed Christ you know
     little wheels? 
     yep
 yep yep yep

     i lost a cow once 
     did you? 
     it was terrible
 i loved that cow
     im sorry to hear that 
     it owed me forty years of back taxes too
 if i ever find her i’ll kill her

Daisy Miller
    Part VI
     look have you seen Daisy
 I need to talk to her
     oh my god
  you haven’t heard
     heard what 
     that Daisy diiiied 
     what 
     yes 
     nooo 
     yesssss 
     oh my god
 what happened
     she went for a walk outside
with an