Texts from Jane Eyre

Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg Page B

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Authors: Mallory Ortberg
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the car flipped and nobody’s moving
  oh my god
     well
you wouldn’t spike the punch like I asked!!
 so I had to spike it myself
     WHAT DID YOU PUT IN IT 
     ohhh my godddd i don’t KNOW
something from a jar??
haha i mean booze obviously
booze from a jar
but i don’t knooooww
 that’s why I asked you to do it
     I would never have helped you if I knew you were going to do
  something like this
     then I guess you don’t have what it takes to be
Jungle Prom Queen
which
is that the same thing as regular prom queen?
haha what kind of school has two proms
anyhow I thought Bruce looked crazy hot tonight
 do you think he has a date for the next prom?
     Bruce is dead
  they’re all dead
     yeah he didn’t look that good tonight I guess 

     Oh, Jess
I hate New York sometimes
  I miss Sweet Valley so much
     oh my god I know
they don’t even have a Dairi Burger there!!!
 what kind of a city
     It’s just so empty
Like this morning at the coffee shop
I really felt like the interaction I had with the waitress
when I asked if they had any stevia
lacked authenticity
I sure wish this news internship were over already
  but who knows when they’ll be done having news here
     haha remember Mom 
     I knew you’d understand, anyhow 
     remember Dad
what happened to them
 where do they go all the time

     Jess
  Jess where are you
     haha what 
     the pep rally is in a few minutes and we need you for the pyramid 
     oh that
 something tells me we’re not going to be cheering much tonight
     what do you mean 
     let’s just say
 we won’t have to worry about those jerks at Big Mesa anymore
     Jessica what did you do? 
     let’s just say their plans to trash
the field after the big game have
 “gone up in smoke”
     Jessica
  what did you do
     let’s just say their “gym”
is “on fire”
with SVH spirit
hey do you want to go to the Dairi Burger?
I’m all hungry
 and covered in ash

The Outsiders
     hey how do you pronounce “Soc” 
     What? 
     i mean is it like “sock”
because it looks like that’s how you’d say it
 but in my head I think of it as being pronounced “soash”
     huh 
     like rhymes with cloche 
     I guess that makes sense 
     why do I even know what a cloche is
 what kind of a gang is this
     what do you mean 
     i mean i feel like we’re different from other gangs 

     different how 
     i don’t know i guess 
     we’re just a bunch of regular beautiful guys who like to
read poetry and get in knife fights
yeah
yessir
nothing like putting your hair in place
stabbing a rich guy
then talking about Robert Frost in an attic with another guy
  if that’s different, then i guess i’m different
     no you’re right 

     man you know who i hate 
     who 
     guys with green eyes
or i guess
MOST guys with green eyes
 would you say my eyes are greenish-gray, or grayish-green
     i don’t know 
     your eyes are icy blue, so they’re always icy blue
but sometimes my eyes are more greenish-gray than
grayish-green
 which i think is better
     huh 
     hey do you want to come over and watch the sunset 
     yeah okay
  i guess so
     okay great
i mean it’s the same sunset as the one at your house
 so don’t expect anything big
     i won’t 
     i really think they’re more grayish-green right now than
 anything else
     yeah maybe 
     not green like Darry’s anyhow
they’re green like ice, but bluer than that
 I really need to update my eye color journal
     your what? 
     see you soon for the sunset!!! 

     so what did you think 
     what did i think of what 
     what did you think of all the drawings of Dally i sent you 
     oh yeah 
     do you think he’ll like them?
 do you think they’re any good
     there sure are
  a lot of them
     do you think i made his eyes look enough like blue ice
that was really what i was going for
 because his eyes look like blazing blue ice
     i definitely think you did 
     oh good
i was kind of

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